Bottomless Weight Loss Tips

• If you’re a zombie, instead of brains, why not try half brains and half cottage cheese?

• Hire a combination personal trainer/housekeeper; that way you can get in shape while still getting all the housework done!

• It’s important to know exactly how many calories your body needs each day; otherwise, you will live your life in sweet, ignorant bliss.

• Replace Milk Duds with Skim Milk Duds.

• You know what’s good on carrot sticks? Buttercream frosting (and the carrot sticks have been shredded up and put inside a carrot cake).

• I think it’s time for you to take a good hard look in the mirror. BTW, did I mention I’m a door-to-door mirror salesman?

• If you’re ever down South and decide to try a restaurant called “Hillbillies’ Chili’s,” do not – I repeat, do not – order the “Awesome Possum.”

• An apple a day WILL keep the doctor away. That is, provided you throw it hard enough. Take THAT, Dr. Johnson! THUNK!

• Cutting the grass is really great exercise. I guess that’s why the Hispanic kid I get to cut my lawn is so fit.

• Whorganic apples are cheaper than regular organic ones, but please make sure you wash them extra-good, okay?

• If you think the glass if half empty, well, I’d like to remind you that it’s actually half full! And made out of diamonds!