Friday, July 22, 2011

Jackrassic Park

“Welcome to my newest wonderland,” proclaimed John Hammond. “It’s a combination Weight Watchers facility and all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant.”

“Isn’t that dangerous?” asked noted anthropologist Dr. Alan Grant.

“It can’t possibly work,” remarked Ian Malcolm, the snobby-but-brilliant mathematician. “I wrote a research paper saying it couldn’t be done.”

“But we’ve done it!” smiled Hammond.

“Yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should,” insisted Malcolm.

“I don’t see what could possibly go wrong with combining weight-loss meetings with a delicious all-you-can-eat buffet,” laughed Hammond.

"Real life isn't a series of interconnected events occurring one after another - like beads strung on a necklace,” explained Malcolm. “Life is actually a series of encounters in which one event may change those that follow in a wholly unpredictable, even devastating way.”

“Ooooo… did you see the dessert station?” exclaimed Hammond.

 “There is a problem with this place,” frowned Malcolm. “It is an accident waiting to happen.”

“I don’t understand,” remarked Grant.

 “Fat breaks free,” lectured Malcolm. “Fat expands to new territories. Painfully, perhaps even dangerously. But fat finds a way.”

“Nonsense!” chortled Hammond. “Look, there’s a Weight Watchers meeting starting in the next room, right over there by the baked potato bar.”

Suddenly a low rumble filled the room, and every table started shaking.

“What was that?” asked Hammond.

“Oh my god…” stammered Grant. “I can’t believe my eyes: it’s Sh*ttasaurus Jax!”

A large figure stumbled toward the rows of steaming food, grabbed a plate and started piling it full, only stopping to stuff a huge roll into his mouth.

“Fascinating!” said Hammond. “Look at him working those powerful jaws.”

“I’m too busy staring at those tiny, scrawny arms,” said Grant. “Do they even work?”

“Hey!” muttered Sh*ttasaurus Jax, grabbing a second plate. “I’m lifting weights… sometimes…”

Then Sh*ttasaurus Jax and the others from the Weight Watchers meeting attacked the buffet like a pack of raptors. The carnage wasn’t necessarily indescribable, but this post is getting kinda long.

Hammond and the two scientists backed away in abject horror.

“Healthy systems are never in equilibrium,” remarked Malcolm. “They are inherently unstable. They may seem stable, but they’re not. Everything is moving and changing. In a sense, every diet is always on the edge of collapse.”

“I see, I see,” realized Hammond. “Well, maybe it’s time to try my other idea: a dinosaur-themed barbecue restaurant…”

“Please, God…” begged Grant. “Don’t say it…”

“Jurassic Pork!”


  1. uh oh
    I guess this means it's time for me to see the movie.

  2. Hilarious, as usual!

    I've often seen WW meetings or other diet/exercise franchises located right next door to Dunkin Donuts or some other temptation, and I've always wondered what happens before/after meetings. But just saying the hell with it and locating a WW right in a buffet? Inspired!

  3. LMAO! Love it. More of these, plz.

  4. hehe Reminds me of a TOPS group I belonged to once. These women wouldn't drink coffee before the weigh in, but once the meeting was over they all went to lunch.....

  5. It made me remember the few times I went into a Golden Coral while dieting. Nothing good came from that. Although I went to the movies recently and skipped the popcorn entirely.

  6. LMAO, just got back from my WW meeting, it's in between a chocolate shop and a sandwich shop!!!! Don't figure. Needless to say I walk in and out with blinders on!



Related Posts with Thumbnails