Ways to Improve Weight Watchers

Besides being a best-selling author (Weight Loss Boss), Weight Watchers CEO David Kirchhoff is extremely humble. If you meet him on the street and ask him if he’s friends with me, he’ll answer "no." He doesn’t want to take advantage of our friendship and my popularity to make you buy his book. That's just the kinda guy he is...

Nonetheless, we are BFFs, and I often send him ideas for him to use to make Weight Watchers even better. No thanks necessary, Special K...

• Instead of confusing "points" system, why not simply take caloric value of all the foods eaten over the course of a day and then subtract caloric value of all the foods NOT eaten that day?

• Start each meeting with my new WW theme song (sung to the tune of "Green Acres"):

Weight Watchers is the plan for me,
Fifty pounds lighter's where I’d like to be.
Ass not spreadin’ out so far and wide.
Screw Jenny Craig, let us be your weight loss guide!

• Replace all chairs at meetings with unicycles.

• Instead of little pins and doodads when somebody loses a certain number of pounds, what about a honest-to-God gold bar? Talk about motivation!

• Introduce new company mascot, Willard the Weight-Loss Wolverine, who will rip your face off if you open a package of cookies.

• Lobby Washington to have Pringles designated as a controlled substance.

• Encourage all locations not to give the stink-eye to people who pay with a jar of change. SOME FOLKS ARE ON A BUDGET, Y’KNOW!

• Why all the focus on how much everybody weighs? How about trying not to be so judgmental? Maybe that way we can all learn a little something about one another and the healing can finally begin. And we can start eating pie again.

How to Get Tossed From a Weight Watchers Meeting

• Bring a life size latex sex doll and insist that he/she gets to weigh in, too.

• 

Pretend to be Weight Watchers CEO David Kirchhoff and sign copies of your book Weight Loss Boss for five dollars each.



• Do a continuous series of backflips on the scale during weigh-in.



• Challenge everyone in the room to a Pronto Pup-eating contest.



• Clean your shotgun during the meeting.



• Stand up in front of everyone and claim to be the substitute Weight Watchers leader for the night.

• Use telekinesis to manipulate the scale.

• Carry a baby made out of marshmallow that you nibble on all during the meeting.



• Borrow other people’s smartphones and fix them so that every time they open a browser it goes to your blog.

Signs You Have a Bad Weight Watchers Leader

• Tonight’s topic: “What’s new in the Netflix instant streaming library this month.”

• Whenever you answer a question correctly, she tosses you fun-sized Snickers bar.

• Puts thumb on the scale during your weigh-in.

• Didn’t know that there was such a thing as a Weight Watchers web site.

• Insists that corn dogs are a “points-free” food.

• Greets everyone with “What up, my fatty from anotha daddy?”

• Offers to sell you good weigh-in for five bucks.

• When person in meeting bursts into tears while telling heart-wrenching story about weight-loss issues, she immediately posts cell phone video of it on youtube.

• Does entire presentation in mime.

• Has “s’mores break” every fifteen minutes.

• Ends every meeting with the phase: “Now who wants to go get our ice cream on?”

THE DAILY SCALEY

Back on the change gang...

A Few More Things That’ll Get You Kicked Out of a Weight Watchers Meeting

• Greeting everyone you meet with “What up, my fatty from anotha daddy?”

• Weighing in in nothing but an apron and a pair of crocs.

• Setting a fire in your purse and roasting marshmallows over it for s’mores.

• Spending entire meeting making balloon animals, then slathering them with mustard and eating them.

• Dressing up in a lab coat and making everyone call you “Doctor Dietstein”.

• Insisting that you get a solo during the singing of the Weight Watcher's theme song.

• Doing continuous series of backflips on the scale.

• Telling anyone at the meeting Weight Watcher’s CEO David Kirchhoff’s deepest, darkest secret (he’s deathly afraid of fabric softener).

• Trying to pay with a giant novelty check.

• Continually asking leader “Who is your favorite blogger named ‘Jack’?”

THE DAILY SCALEY

Everything's coming up losses!

Things That'll Get You Kicked Out of a WW Meeting

• Loudly challenging everyone in the room to a caramel apple-eating contest

• Wearing a Sumo wrestling outfit to meeting
  
• Bringing a more forgiving scale and offering “second opinion” weigh-ins for $5
  
• Standing on your chair and singing “I Like Big Butts” at the top of your lungs
  
• Picking a fight with somebody because she’s sitting in your “lucky chair”
  
• Cleaning your gun during meeting
  
• Screaming “I’M SO DAMN HUNGRY” every five minutes
  
• Wearing pants made out of fruit leather
  
• Taking bets during weigh-ins
  
• Trying to organize a séance during meeting
  
• Loudly repeating every single word the leader says
  
• Repainting the wall because you claim the wall color is responsible for your recent weight gain
  
• Wheeling in a wagon filled with steaming hot taco meat
  
• Excessive public flossing
  
• Spending entire meeting making elaborate candy corn sculptures
  
• Dressing up like a giant Gummi Bear and prancing around the room during meeting
  
• Trying to sign people up to your knock-off weight loss program “Weight Watchpersons” at a booth in the restroom
  
• Trying to hook up your own hammock to sit in
  
• Insisting on weighing in nude

Jackrassic Park

“Welcome to my newest wonderland,” proclaimed John Hammond. “It’s a combination Weight Watchers facility and all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant.”

“Isn’t that dangerous?” asked noted anthropologist Dr. Alan Grant.

“It can’t possibly work,” remarked Ian Malcolm, the snobby-but-brilliant mathematician. “I wrote a research paper saying it couldn’t be done.”

“But we’ve done it!” smiled Hammond.

“Yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should,” insisted Malcolm.

“I don’t see what could possibly go wrong with combining weight-loss meetings with a delicious all-you-can-eat buffet,” laughed Hammond.

"Real life isn't a series of interconnected events occurring one after another - like beads strung on a necklace,” explained Malcolm. “Life is actually a series of encounters in which one event may change those that follow in a wholly unpredictable, even devastating way.”

“Ooooo… did you see the dessert station?” exclaimed Hammond.

 “There is a problem with this place,” frowned Malcolm. “It is an accident waiting to happen.”

“I don’t understand,” remarked Grant.

 “Fat breaks free,” lectured Malcolm. “Fat expands to new territories. Painfully, perhaps even dangerously. But fat finds a way.”

“Nonsense!” chortled Hammond. “Look, there’s a Weight Watchers meeting starting in the next room, right over there by the baked potato bar.”

Suddenly a low rumble filled the room, and every table started shaking.

“What was that?” asked Hammond.

“Oh my god…” stammered Grant. “I can’t believe my eyes: it’s Sh*ttasaurus Jax!”

A large figure stumbled toward the rows of steaming food, grabbed a plate and started piling it full, only stopping to stuff a huge roll into his mouth.

“Fascinating!” said Hammond. “Look at him working those powerful jaws.”

“I’m too busy staring at those tiny, scrawny arms,” said Grant. “Do they even work?”

“Hey!” muttered Sh*ttasaurus Jax, grabbing a second plate. “I’m lifting weights… sometimes…”

Then Sh*ttasaurus Jax and the others from the Weight Watchers meeting attacked the buffet like a pack of raptors. The carnage wasn’t necessarily indescribable, but this post is getting kinda long.

Hammond and the two scientists backed away in abject horror.

“Healthy systems are never in equilibrium,” remarked Malcolm. “They are inherently unstable. They may seem stable, but they’re not. Everything is moving and changing. In a sense, every diet is always on the edge of collapse.”

“I see, I see,” realized Hammond. “Well, maybe it’s time to try my other idea: a dinosaur-themed barbecue restaurant…”

“Please, God…” begged Grant. “Don’t say it…”

“Jurassic Pork!”

Weight Watchers CEO For A Day

Most likely, I will never be CEO of Weight Watchers.

Oh, I might have been if, during the interview, I hadn't answered the “What do you consider to be your greatest weakness?” question by saying “Probably my inability to quit stealing office supplies to sell in my eBay store.” Stupid HR managers and their trick questions...



But I can dream, can’t I? I can think about what changes I might institute were I given the big office...


• Would challenge R&D department to come up with negative calorie food that (a) isn't celery and (b) doesn't taste like celery.

• Change Weight Watcher online to include more pictures of cute kittens.

• Would change name of “points” to “fun units” because... well, just because.

• Would install pole in office that you could slide down into secret workout facility/tv-watching room.

• Would declare Funyuns to be a “fun unit-free” food.


• Would have all employees wear Star Trek uniforms because of how slim they make you look; do you realize that Mr. Spock weighed nearly 400 pounds?

• Would have stipulation in Jennifer Hudson's endorsement contract that she has to call me each evening and softly sing “Go to Sleep, Little Baby” to me as I drift off.


• Reinstate pre-meeting round of sugar-free Jell-O shots.

• Go all “Fight Club” on Jared from Subway.


• Add addendum to official rulebook: If people wanna weigh in in the buff, by God, I say they can weigh in in the buff.


• All WW leaders would be instructed to close each meeting with a reading from Jack Sh*t, Getting’ Fit.

How Do Thee Lose Weight?

(with apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

How do thee lose weight?
Let me count the ways.
That Adkins diet could be the one
If you like hot dogs without the bun.
But if you think that’d drive you bonkers
Maybe you should try Weight Watchers.
They’ve started a new Points Plus program
That lets you eat stuff like roast lamb.
And what about that South Beach diet
(I have no info, but you could try it).
Counting calories is one more way to go
Just don’t let your servings overflow.
Thou can lose weight any number of ways,
From slow and steady to the latest craze.
The kind of diet just doesn’t matter,
The important thing’s to grow no fatter.
And don’t push the start to far away
How do thee lose weight?
Start today!

More Weight Watcher Meeting Conversation Stoppers

• “Have you ever tried shoving a Snickers bar inside a Twinkee, then microwaving it for 20 seconds?”
  
• “How many points are in puppy meat?”
  
• “In some cultures, it’s a sign of great respect to loudly break wind in a crowd.”
  
• “Hey, when the meeting starts, let’s all start yelling like it was a town hall meeting.”
  
• “Who’ll give me a dollar to eat a whole can of Cheese Whiz?”
  
• “Do you know if they make sugar-free edible underwear?”
  
• “I don’t get my weigh-in… I dieted all morning.”
  
• “I’ve already lost one-quarter of one percent of my total body weight.”
  
• “We oughta all tailgate in the parking lot before our next weigh-in.”
  
• “Does my fat ass make my ass look fat?”

  
• “Are we gonna have square dancing again this week?”
  
• “I’m really on a roller coaster; one week I’m up two pounds, the next week I’m up four pounds.”
  
• 
“Whenever I get hunger cravings, I just brush my teeth… with frosting.”
  
• “I can’t believe I gained weight this week. I mean, I’m wearing my lucky floral mumu.”
  
• “I had a big loss this week. Congratulations?!? Congratulations on losing my house? You are one sick human being!”
  
• “Do you have any leftover points you’re not using?”
  
• “I’m gonna try Zumba as soon as I can say the word 'Zumba' without laughing.”
  
• “Can you believe I’m wearing a cowboy hat made out of pound cake?”
  
• “Do you know where they keep the emergency chips-n-dip?”

More Things That Will Get You Kicked Out of a WW Meeting

• Coming in with your Jenny Craig posse and trying to start a rumble

• Attempting to bribe scale operator with freshly baked cookies

• Insisting that bottle caps and string be accepted as payment

• Selling bootleg WW charms out of the trunk of your Trans Am in the parking lot

• Trimming your toenails during meeting

• Threatening the scale lady to give you a good weigh-in or you’ll key up her car

• Loudly eating a dozen candy apples during meeting

• Taking a dump on the scale if it shows a gain

• Standing on a chair and screaming “Me so hungry!” over and over and over and over

• Trying to get in free my wearing your mask of David Kirchhoff, President and CEO of Weight Watchers International

• Wearing your candy thong and fruit leather chaps

• Non-stop riverdancing on scale while they’re trying to weigh you in

• Loudly insisting that your weight be written in invisible ink

• Parking in the meeting room

• Paying with a VISA card you just stole from another member

Things You’d Like to Say at Your Weight Watchers Meeting

• “Weight Watcher’s frozen pizza is delicious… if you like fake-cheesy cardboard.”
• “This is what I get for losing 25 pounds? I’ve won better stuff playing Skee-Ball.”
• “I believe that scale needs to be re-calibrated and I should know because I’m a full-time scale calibration technician.”
• “Dip my fork in salad dressing? Lady, that’s just crazy-talk.”
• “Is there a Weight Watchers iPhone app that shocks you when you try to eat pie?”
• “Yes, that’s a five-pound gain, but I have a good excuse: there was a weekend in there.”
• “A Big Mac only has fourteen points? Let’s ride!”
• “That’s right… this week I’ll be using my ‘Get Out of Weigh-In Free’ Card.”
• “I suppose it’s just a coincidence that “leader” rhymes with “eater.”
• “We’re watching a movie at this week’s meeting: ‘Diethard with a Vengeance.’”
• “Weight Watchers yogurt is fantastic… for grouting tile.”
• “I can’t have gained weight! I haven’t eaten in 96 hours…”
• “Order a pizza with no cheese? What kind of sick maniac are you?”
• “No, I didn’t track all my points, but I did DVR every episode of ‘Top Chef’.”
• “DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND? EVERYTHING’S SO DAMN DELICIOUS!”
• “My family really let me down. They just sat there and watched me eat that can of Crisco.”
• “I just don’t think “rice cakes” should be allowed to use the word ‘cake’ in their name.”
• “Let’s ditch this bitch and go get some ice cream.”

Things That'll Get You Kicked Out of a WW Meeting

• Loudly challenging everyone in the room to a caramel apple-eating contest

• Wearing a Sumo wrestling outfit to meeting
  
  
• Bringing a more forgiving scale and offering “second opinion” weigh-ins for $5
  
  
• Standing on your chair and singing “I Like Big Butts” at the top of your lungs
  
  
• Picking a fight with somebody because she’s sitting in your “lucky chair”
  
  
• Cleaning your gun during meeting
  
  
• Screaming “I’M SO DAMN HUNGRY” every five minutes
  
  
• Wearing pants made out of fruit leather
  
  
• Taking bets during weigh-ins
  
  
• Trying to organize a séance during meeting
  
  
• Loudly repeating every single word the leader says
  
  
• Repainting the wall because you claim the wall color is responsible for your recent weight gain
  
  
• Wheeling in a wagon filled with steaming hot taco meat
  
  
• Excessive public flossing
  
  
• Spending entire meeting making elaborate candy corn sculptures
  
  
• Dressing up like a giant Gummi Bear and prancing around the room during meeting
  
  
• Trying to sign people up to your knock-off weight loss program “Weight Watchpersons” at a booth in the restroom
  
  
• Trying to hook up your own hammock to sit in
  
  
• Insisting on weighing in nude

x

Weight Loss Boss – Interview with Weight Watchers CEO David Kirchhoff

Today I have a special treat for JSGF readers: an interview with David Kirchhoff, the President and CEO of Weight Watchers International. Besides having a keen sense of business, Kirchhoff blogs about his own health and wellness issues in a very entertaining manner at Man Meets Scale.

Jack: Thanks for agreeing to be interviewed, Mr. Kirchhoff.

David: Thanks, Jack. But please just call me “David”.

Jack: Great. Well, you can just call me “Mr. Sh*t”. So, David, Weight Watchers is the global leader in weight management services, providing 50,000 Weight Watchers meetings each week in countries all over the world aiding millions of people to lose weight in a healthy way.

David: That’s correct.

Jack: Weight Watchers tries to help people lose weight in a sustainable way by assisting them in adapting a healthier lifestyle and a healthier relationship with food and activity.

David: Ummmm, Jack?

Jack: Yeah?

David: If this is an interview, at some point you have to ask questions.

Jack: Hmmmm, let me check my notes. Okay, here’s one:  if you fill a plastic milk jug with kerosene, set it on fire and then send it down a water slide, wouldn’t that look awesome?

David: Uh… next question?

Jack: I have two coins that equal fifteen cents but neither one is a nickel. How’s that possible?

David: It’s not possible.

Jack: Wrong! One of them’s a nickel.

David: You said neither of them was a nickel.

Jack: It’s a trick question.

David: Jack, I’m very busy…

Jack: Wait, just a few more… ummmm, what’s your social security number?

David: Jack, I’m hanging up now…

Jack: Wait, tell me about your blog, Man Meets Scale.

David: My original intent was to provide another voice from the perspective of men dealing with weight issues. There are so many women actively talking about weight and weight loss in conversation, Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc.  For women, it seems like weight is a very natural topic of conversation. For men, it’s still much more verboten. There still aren’t enough male voices in this increasingly important topic. Given that I was not only the president of Weight Watchers, I was also a Lifetime Member (like the guy from Hair Club for Men), I thought it might be somehow helpful to share my own point of view on this topic by blogging about my own personal experiences with weight loss and weight maintenance. Interestingly, since I’ve been writing the blog for over a year, I have also discovered that it is a great way of helping me stay on the righteous path of the healthy lifestyle. 

Jack: When are you gonna switch from that Jared dude as the WW spokesperson? I’m getting tired of that guy’s act.

David: Ummmm, I think you’re thinking of Subway…

Jack: Let’s agree to disagree on that one, Mr. K…

David: You may be odd/confused/confusing, but you’re also an excellent straight man. We recently announced that Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson has signed on as the new spokesperson for Weight Watchers. She’s most definitely not a guy, but Jennifer is an incredibly inspiring person. Her own participation on the Weight Watchers program has had a great impact on her lifestyle, and her story and success on the program can be a source of inspiration for men and women alike. You can check out her story on the Weight Watchers website, our Facebook page or on Jennifer’s Facebook page. 

Jack: Jared must be PO’d.

David: Jennifer is relatable to so many people and has experienced visible results with Weight Watchers, so we feel she’ll help motivate others to take control of their health and try our program.

Jack: One last question: who’s your favorite blogger named Jack?

David: *click*

 

More Weight Watcher Meeting Conversation Stoppers

• “Have you ever tried shoving a Snickers bar inside a Twinkee, then microwaving it for 20 seconds?”
• “How many points are in puppy meat?”
• “In some cultures, it’s a sign of great respect to loudly break wind in a crowd.”
• “Hey, when the meeting starts, let’s all start yelling like it was a town hall meeting.”
• “Who’ll give me a dollar to eat a whole can of Cheese Whiz?”
• “Do you know if they make sugar-free edible underwear?”
• “I don’t get my weigh-in… I dieted all morning.”
• “I’ve already lost one-quarter of one percent of my total body weight.”
• “We oughta all tailgate in the parking lot before our next weigh-in.”
• “Does my fat ass make my ass look fat?”

• “Are we gonna have square dancing again this week?”
• “I’m really on a roller coaster; one week I’m up two pounds, the next week I’m up four pounds.”
• 
“Whenever I get hunger cravings, I just brush my teeth… with frosting.”
• “I can’t believe I gained weight this week. I mean, I’m wearing my lucky floral mumu.”
• “I had a big loss this week. Congratulations?!? Congratulations on losing my house? You are one sick human being!”
• “Do you have any leftover points you’re not using?”
• “I’m gonna try Zumba as soon as I can say the word “Zumba” without laughing.”
• “Can you believe I’m wearing a cowboy hat made out of pound cake?”
• “Do you know where they keep the emergency chips-n-dip?”