Monday, June 20, 2011

Weight Watchers CEO For A Day

Most likely, I will never be CEO of Weight Watchers.

Oh, I might have been if, during the interview, I hadn't answered the “What do you consider to be your greatest weakness?” question by saying “Probably my inability to quit stealing office supplies to sell in my eBay store.” Stupid HR managers and their trick questions...

But I can dream, can’t I? I can think about what changes I might institute were I given the big office...

• Would challenge R&D department to come up with negative calorie food that (a) isn't celery and (b) doesn't taste like celery.

• Change Weight Watcher online to include more pictures of cute kittens.

• Would change name of “points” to “fun units” because... well, just because.

• Would install pole in office that you could slide down into secret workout facility/tv-watching room.

• Would declare Funyuns to be a “fun unit-free” food.

• Would have all employees wear Star Trek uniforms because of how slim they make you look; do you realize that Mr. Spock weighed nearly 400 pounds?

• Would have stipulation in Jennifer Hudson's endorsement contract that she has to call me each evening and softly sing “Go to Sleep, Little Baby” to me as I drift off.

• Reinstate pre-meeting round of sugar-free Jell-O shots.

• Go all “Fight Club” on Jared from Subway.

• Add addendum to official rulebook: If people wanna weigh in in the buff, by God, I say they can weigh in in the buff.

• All WW leaders would be instructed to close each meeting with a reading from Jack Sh*t, Getting’ Fit.


  1. I am a huge child as that was NOT where I thought you were going with the POLE one...

  2. I'm with Miz and Christie. Which I think is more of a reflection on us.

  3. Points to fun units - Cool! I can have 29 fun units a day!! Whoot!

  4. I wanted this list to be longer. Please do an addendum post soon.

  5. I will now be calling them fun units instead of points.

    I hope you do become CEO someday. Haha

  6. If you ever do go "all Fight Club" on Jared. Please do it dressed as a Ninja and in public. (well, you know because of the First rule about Fight Club)*and I want to see it a scream, "Take that Footlong Veggie Sub"

  7. It is true that Star Trek uniforms are slimming. We will be instituting this new dress code policy promptly. Not a bad way for me to finally fit in with the rest of my co-workers. Thanks for the tip.

  8. My first time reading your blog, I will definitely be back for more!
    When you find a unit free Jell-O Shot recipe, please share.
    A Batcave Pole?!?! YES!! To slide down to the unit free Jell-O shots that don't taste like celery.

  9. Jello shots?! HELL YEAH! ;)
    fun units?? Way cooler than points plus.

    Great post!

  10. I am actually a little taken back. Usually on Monday you have a serious post and not a funny one.

    Once again you have fooled me!

  11. While you're revamping priorities in R&D department, can we get em crackin' on some calorie-free champagne & cupcakes please? I'd gladly put on a Star Trek uniform if you could beam me some.

  12. Oh c'mon - be honest - you want to DANCE with that pole.... sexily sliding and gliding in inverted positions - to "Pour Some Sugar on Me"

    You see - I get you - I KNOW you :D

  13. Ok, I'm with Miz & Christie on the pole. ;) Oh, and I'm totally going to use fun units now! Now we just need something clever for our 49 extra weekly points allowance.

  14. Damn, I thought you were going to offer pole dancing lessons.

  15. My Points plus have officially become fun units. I'll pass on the pole....



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