Ways to Improve Weight Watchers

Besides being a best-selling author (Weight Loss Boss), Weight Watchers CEO David Kirchhoff is extremely humble. If you meet him on the street and ask him if he’s friends with me, he’ll answer "no." He doesn’t want to take advantage of our friendship and my popularity to make you buy his book. That's just the kinda guy he is...

Nonetheless, we are BFFs, and I often send him ideas for him to use to make Weight Watchers even better. No thanks necessary, Special K...

• Instead of confusing "points" system, why not simply take caloric value of all the foods eaten over the course of a day and then subtract caloric value of all the foods NOT eaten that day?

• Start each meeting with my new WW theme song (sung to the tune of "Green Acres"):

Weight Watchers is the plan for me,
Fifty pounds lighter's where I’d like to be.
Ass not spreadin’ out so far and wide.
Screw Jenny Craig, let us be your weight loss guide!

• Replace all chairs at meetings with unicycles.

• Instead of little pins and doodads when somebody loses a certain number of pounds, what about a honest-to-God gold bar? Talk about motivation!

• Introduce new company mascot, Willard the Weight-Loss Wolverine, who will rip your face off if you open a package of cookies.

• Lobby Washington to have Pringles designated as a controlled substance.

• Encourage all locations not to give the stink-eye to people who pay with a jar of change. SOME FOLKS ARE ON A BUDGET, Y’KNOW!

• Why all the focus on how much everybody weighs? How about trying not to be so judgmental? Maybe that way we can all learn a little something about one another and the healing can finally begin. And we can start eating pie again.

Weight Watchers CEO For A Day

Most likely, I will never be CEO of Weight Watchers.

Oh, I might have been if, during the interview, I hadn't answered the “What do you consider to be your greatest weakness?” question by saying “Probably my inability to quit stealing office supplies to sell in my eBay store.” Stupid HR managers and their trick questions...



But I can dream, can’t I? I can think about what changes I might institute were I given the big office...


• Would challenge R&D department to come up with negative calorie food that (a) isn't celery and (b) doesn't taste like celery.

• Change Weight Watcher online to include more pictures of cute kittens.

• Would change name of “points” to “fun units” because... well, just because.

• Would install pole in office that you could slide down into secret workout facility/tv-watching room.

• Would declare Funyuns to be a “fun unit-free” food.


• Would have all employees wear Star Trek uniforms because of how slim they make you look; do you realize that Mr. Spock weighed nearly 400 pounds?

• Would have stipulation in Jennifer Hudson's endorsement contract that she has to call me each evening and softly sing “Go to Sleep, Little Baby” to me as I drift off.


• Reinstate pre-meeting round of sugar-free Jell-O shots.

• Go all “Fight Club” on Jared from Subway.


• Add addendum to official rulebook: If people wanna weigh in in the buff, by God, I say they can weigh in in the buff.


• All WW leaders would be instructed to close each meeting with a reading from Jack Sh*t, Getting’ Fit.