A Few More Things That’ll Get You Kicked Out of a Weight Watchers Meeting

• Greeting everyone you meet with “What up, my fatty from anotha daddy?”

• Weighing in in nothing but an apron and a pair of crocs.

• Setting a fire in your purse and roasting marshmallows over it for s’mores.

• Spending entire meeting making balloon animals, then slathering them with mustard and eating them.

• Dressing up in a lab coat and making everyone call you “Doctor Dietstein”.

• Insisting that you get a solo during the singing of the Weight Watcher's theme song.

• Doing continuous series of backflips on the scale.

• Telling anyone at the meeting Weight Watcher’s CEO David Kirchhoff’s deepest, darkest secret (he’s deathly afraid of fabric softener).

• Trying to pay with a giant novelty check.

• Continually asking leader “Who is your favorite blogger named ‘Jack’?”

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Things That'll Get You Kicked Out of a WW Meeting

• Loudly challenging everyone in the room to a caramel apple-eating contest

• Wearing a Sumo wrestling outfit to meeting
  
• Bringing a more forgiving scale and offering “second opinion” weigh-ins for $5
  
• Standing on your chair and singing “I Like Big Butts” at the top of your lungs
  
• Picking a fight with somebody because she’s sitting in your “lucky chair”
  
• Cleaning your gun during meeting
  
• Screaming “I’M SO DAMN HUNGRY” every five minutes
  
• Wearing pants made out of fruit leather
  
• Taking bets during weigh-ins
  
• Trying to organize a séance during meeting
  
• Loudly repeating every single word the leader says
  
• Repainting the wall because you claim the wall color is responsible for your recent weight gain
  
• Wheeling in a wagon filled with steaming hot taco meat
  
• Excessive public flossing
  
• Spending entire meeting making elaborate candy corn sculptures
  
• Dressing up like a giant Gummi Bear and prancing around the room during meeting
  
• Trying to sign people up to your knock-off weight loss program “Weight Watchpersons” at a booth in the restroom
  
• Trying to hook up your own hammock to sit in
  
• Insisting on weighing in nude

Things You’d Like to Say at Your Weight Watchers Meeting

• “Weight Watcher’s frozen pizza is delicious… if you like fake-cheesy cardboard.”
• “This is what I get for losing 25 pounds? I’ve won better stuff playing Skee-Ball.”
• “I believe that scale needs to be re-calibrated and I should know because I’m a full-time scale calibration technician.”
• “Dip my fork in salad dressing? Lady, that’s just crazy-talk.”
• “Is there a Weight Watchers iPhone app that shocks you when you try to eat pie?”
• “Yes, that’s a five-pound gain, but I have a good excuse: there was a weekend in there.”
• “A Big Mac only has fourteen points? Let’s ride!”
• “That’s right… this week I’ll be using my ‘Get Out of Weigh-In Free’ Card.”
• “I suppose it’s just a coincidence that “leader” rhymes with “eater.”
• “We’re watching a movie at this week’s meeting: ‘Diethard with a Vengeance.’”
• “Weight Watchers yogurt is fantastic… for grouting tile.”
• “I can’t have gained weight! I haven’t eaten in 96 hours…”
• “Order a pizza with no cheese? What kind of sick maniac are you?”
• “No, I didn’t track all my points, but I did DVR every episode of ‘Top Chef’.”
• “DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND? EVERYTHING’S SO DAMN DELICIOUS!”
• “My family really let me down. They just sat there and watched me eat that can of Crisco.”
• “I just don’t think “rice cakes” should be allowed to use the word ‘cake’ in their name.”
• “Let’s ditch this bitch and go get some ice cream.”