Things You’d Like to Say at Your Weight Watchers Meeting

• “Weight Watcher’s frozen pizza is delicious… if you like fake-cheesy cardboard.”
• “This is what I get for losing 25 pounds? I’ve won better stuff playing Skee-Ball.”
• “I believe that scale needs to be re-calibrated and I should know because I’m a full-time scale calibration technician.”
• “Dip my fork in salad dressing? Lady, that’s just crazy-talk.”
• “Is there a Weight Watchers iPhone app that shocks you when you try to eat pie?”
• “Yes, that’s a five-pound gain, but I have a good excuse: there was a weekend in there.”
• “A Big Mac only has fourteen points? Let’s ride!”
• “That’s right… this week I’ll be using my ‘Get Out of Weigh-In Free’ Card.”
• “I suppose it’s just a coincidence that “leader” rhymes with “eater.”
• “We’re watching a movie at this week’s meeting: ‘Diethard with a Vengeance.’”
• “Weight Watchers yogurt is fantastic… for grouting tile.”
• “I can’t have gained weight! I haven’t eaten in 96 hours…”
• “Order a pizza with no cheese? What kind of sick maniac are you?”
• “No, I didn’t track all my points, but I did DVR every episode of ‘Top Chef’.”
• “DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND? EVERYTHING’S SO DAMN DELICIOUS!”
• “My family really let me down. They just sat there and watched me eat that can of Crisco.”
• “I just don’t think “rice cakes” should be allowed to use the word ‘cake’ in their name.”
• “Let’s ditch this bitch and go get some ice cream.”

Acts Playing at Foodstock

• Earth, Wind & Fries
• U2Fat
• Velvetta Revolver
• ZZ Top Chef
• Celine Dijon
• Joe Crockpot
• Nickelbaklava
• Almond Joy Brothers
• Bruce Springroll & The Eat Street Band
• Dixie Chickpeas
• Motley Croutons
• Miley Gyros
• Avril Lasagna
• Kid Rocky Road
• ABBAloney
• Hootie & the Blow Pops
• Kenny Cheesewhiz
• The All-American ReChexmix
• Guns ‘N Rotel
• Tina Turnover
• Nelly Purtado
• Pearl Jam-Filled Donuts
• Rage Against The Margarine
• Justin Trimmercake
• Aerosnickers
• The Bin Gees
• Nutellica
• Fleetwood Mac & Cheese
• Lynard Skittleyrd
• Alicia Keylime
• Stevie Wonderbread
• Iggy Popsicle
• Duranch Duritoes
• Red Hot Chili Pringles
• AC/KFC
  

There’s two things you should never do when you’re hungry: go to the grocery store or write a blog post.

Stick It To Me, Baby

If you have trouble sticking to a diet, I’m ready to stick it to you.

That’s right, for a limited time, I’m offering my revolutionary weight loss tool: Jack Sh*t’s “Don’t Eat Sh*t” Diet Wrap™. One small strip, applied daily, can drastically increase your odds for weight loss success. Best of all, you can eat whatever you want while wearing it! Craving some cheesecake, nachos or an entire pizza? Strap on the patented “Don’t Eat Sh*t” Diet Wrap™ and go to town. I have never heard anyone complain that it doesn’t work.

Act now and I’ll throw in a roll of Jack Sh*t’s “Don’t Eat Sh*t” Diet Wrap™, Jr., the smaller size version that’s great for kids, pets and gift wrapping.

Phone lines are open… call now.

Side effects include gummy mouth, sticky skin and asphyxiation. Do not use if pregnant or allergic to tape.