Sunday, July 17, 2011

A Scalawag With A New Scale

Dishwasher not functioning, scale on the blink. Nothing in my house is working right. So I went out today and bought all new dishes... and a brand new scale. A smart scale. Perhaps a too-smart scale... supposedly it measures body fat percentage, body water percentage, muscle mass, bone mass and even features something called a Daily CaloriePredictor™. Hmmmm... it doesn't say whether or not it tells you your weight...

Okay, I've read this three times and I still can't figure out how this hot mess of electronics works.

Waitaminute... I just realized that the owner's manual isn't in English. Why do I continue to shop at Grande Juan Carlos' Casa dé Bargains?

Okay, well maybe we'll just fire this sucker up and just push buttons until I figure it out... except I need a 9-volt battery and we don't seem to have any of those little square mamba jambas in the battery drawer. Also, we don't seem to have a battery drawer...

Luckily, I know where my wife Anita hides the 9-volt batteries...

There we go... this thing doesn't even need a battery. It apparently is just a device that emits an ear-piercing noise every time I cook...

You know, I read somewhere that a 9-volt battery contains roughly the same amount of kinetic energy as a bowl of Lucky Charms, but I'm not sure I believe that.

Okay, give me a week to figure this bad boy out and we'll be back in the game! And I'll have an update on my bone mass numbers!


  1. I once had a pediatric heart patient
    who somehow tricked me into licking a 9 volt battery.
    Shocked the sh*t right out of me!
    Fun times!

  2. Thanks for the Sunday LOLs. You may want to replace the battery in the smoke detector before your wife finds out. Just saying! :)

  3. New dishes? You're so fancy. I just use my fingers and eat out of the pan.

  4. The dishwasher is not working, so you bought new dishes. Classic!

    I hope you figure it out and please replace the battery in the smoke detector. Thank you!!!

  5. "Hmmmm... it doesn't say whether or not it tells you your weight..."

    A scale with all sorts of bells and whistles except for the annoying display of poundage? OMG, where can I get one? :D

  6. Hi Jack, I love getting new scales. Always marks a new beginning for me. I featured you in my newsletter this week because I find your WIDTH so sh*t kickin' cool. stop by and check it out. Mary

  7. Water weight...does it also tell you what stocks to invest in and what food you ate last night?

  8. :-D I don't like to clean so I just buy new stuff when it is dirty!! Just kidding! ;-)



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