Ready, Set... Stagnate

Do you ever feel that way?

That you're geared up on Monday morning to fill your week with giant strides on your healthy living journey and... Somehow... Some way... You end up tripping over your own too-fat feet?

I do.

I love, love, love what I do here on this blig-bloggity-blog, and the fact that anybody else ever enjoys it half as much as I do is just the sugar-free icing on the fat-free cake.

However, I recognize that the scale and I haven't been fast friends of late.

Ever since I started weighing in and posting a number every day, I've actually gone in the wrong direction. Some of it has been circumstance and some has been just not doing all the things I need to do in order to be successful. And I think the food needs to take a little bit of the responsibility for being so damned delicious...

I thought about discontinuing The Daily Scaley and trying something else ("Getting Less-Chunky Bi-Monthly" or "Not More of Me Quarterly"), because, frankly, that lack of success is making me mad and a little bit embarrassed.

Then it occurs to me that a little anger and humiliation might be the push I need to get this choo-choo train chugging again.

My wonderful wife Anita and I were stuck in a security line at some airport a while back when we noticed this really sour-faced elderly woman. She was obviously ticked off and was rolling her eyes and harummphing quite a bit until she finally caught sight of her husband, a frail-looking gentleman loaded down with all their luggage. She shrieked at him to hurry up, to quit being such a laggard (I think she actually used the word "laggard"), and I felt a swell of pity for this weak-willed gentleman who seemed to be saddled with a domineering, hateful spouse.

When he finally shuffled up to where she stood, the woman fixed him with a  grim grimace and was about to berate him some more when he spoke up in a clear, calm and strong voice: "Awww, shut up, ya old bitch!"

My point? Maybe at first glance it looks as though I need help. Maybe you'll feel a little pity for my sob-blob story.

But I'm stronger than I look and smarter than I blog.

And I've got something to say to my scale...

THE DAILY SCALEY

Game on.

Don't Forget to Add a Title, Jack...

THE DAILY SCALEY

Is this a scale or a trampoline?

11 Questions, 11 Answers And An 11-lb Loss

Wait... I may have put a decimal point in the wrong spot. Oh well...

Weekly weigh-in: 250.4
 Loss: -1.1

Total loss: -41.1
Emotion: Movin' and Groovin'

I was tagged by TJ at TJ’s Test Kitchen (who knows for a fact just how much I dislike these things) to take part in this question list.

But just to spite her, I’m gonna have fun with it! FUN, YOU HEAR ME, TJ?!!? FUN!!!! SO MUCH FUN THAT FUN STARTS LEAKING OUT OF MY FREAKIN’ EARS!!!!




The Rules (BECAUSE WHAT IS MORE FUN THAN A BUNCH OF RULES?):

1. Post these rules.

2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.

3. Answer the questions set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.

5. Go to their blog and tell them you've tagged them.

6. No stuff in the tagging section about you are tagged if you are reading this. You legitimately have to tag 11 people.

So here we go ....

Jack’s Random 11

1. I overtip at restaurants because my dad Horace is a notoriously terrible tipper.

2. I was diagnosed with astigmatism when I was 7 or 8 and put in glasses. Five years later, the doc said my eyes weren’t getting any better or worse, so I quit wearing the glasses and have never worn them since.

3. I won the King Bee reading contest in first grade.

4. We had a lady come in to do laundry when my daughter Pisa was little; it turns out that all she was doing was spraying them with Febreeze and ironing them while watching TV.

5. When doing a family history project for school, I learned that I have a Mississippi relative that went to Parchman prison for killing his father during an argument over a cigarette lighter.

6. Marc Gasol, the center for the Memphis Grizzlies NBA team who signed a max contract this year ($48 million over 4 years) owes me $5. I let him borrow a five-spot when he was a high school senior and told him he could pay me back when he made it to the NBA.

7. I had an uncle who got so drunk that he ran his car into a train. In the middle.

8. I own three watches; I never, ever wear a watch.

9. When I was an infant, my mother once gave me (and I drank) a bottle of spoiled milk.

10. The worse flop-sweat I ever got was during an interview for a job I didn’t even want.

11. I have visited every state in the U.S. except for the 27 that I consider to be lame.


My answers to TJ’s questions

1. Favorite holiday? The next one on the calendar.

2. What is the best gift you ever given to someone? The gift of Life (to my daughters).

3. Who taught you to cook? My mother. I watched what she did, and tried to do the exact opposite.

4. Any ingredient that scares you? Cilantro. Most people don’t realize that this is actually poison.

5. What city/state were you born in? Memphis, TN

6. Ice cream or frozen yogurt? Yes, please.

7. What flavors/toppings? Nothing. Nada. Nil.

8. If you could play with a toy from your childhood today- what would it be? 

9. Got a nickname? Sh*t-For-Brains

10. How long does it take you to take a shower & get ready to start your day? 12 minutes

11. Are you afraid of any animals? Weiner dogs


My Tagees:

1. Anne @ Carb Tripper
2. Jody @ Truth2BeingFit
3. Chris @ A Deliberate Life
4. Stephen @ Who Ate My Blog
5. Cyndi @ RunRollRepeat -
6. Dawn @ Fixing Myself Thinner -
7. Kelly @ Happy Texans
8. Charlie @ Operation: Shrink Charlie’s Big Butt
9. Lily Fluffbottom @ Lily Fluffbottom’s Weight Loss Adventure
10. Tammy @ Fat to Fab
11. Mary @ A Merry Life


Questions for the Tagees:

1. What movie title best describes this point in your life?
2. What food makes you think of your childhood?
3. What is your best feature?
4. Which cartoon character do you most resemble?
5. What are you most grateful for?
6. Would you rather go without salt or pepper?
7. Why are the holes in cats fur always in the right places for their eyes?
8. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
9. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
10. First thing you’d do if you won the lottery?
11. Who’s your favorite blogger named “Jack”?

What My Scale Might Say If It Could Talk

• “Get off! Get off! Get off!”
• “Maybe you’re just retaining fat.”
• “They say any loss is a good loss. How’s about -.00001 lbs.?”
• “Here comes the pain!”
• “Round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows.”
• “When you lose, you take all the credit; when you gain, ya blame me!”
• “Looks like you’ve got Dunlap’s Disease. Your belly’s done lapped over your belt.”
• “Ummmmph!”
• “On the moon, you’d only weigh 43 pounds.”
• “Why don’t you try again… maybe it’ll be drastically lower.”
• “And you thought nobody saw you eat those chips…”
• “Good news: you’re still beating anorexia!”
• “Does this number make you look fat?”
• “Tippin’ is encouraged. Get it, get it? Tippin’ the scales… ah, you don’t know funny.”
• “Are you a glutton for punishment or just a regular glutton?”
• “For God’s sake–will you please put on some underwear?”
• “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….”
• “Let’s say we just call it two hundred and plenty?”
• “I’ve got an idea: today I’ll stand on you and call you a f*ckin’ b*tch.”
• “Say, are you losing weight?

A Scalawag With A New Scale

 

Dishwasher not functioning, scale on the blink. Nothing in my house is working right. So I went out today and bought all new dishes... and a brand new scale. A smart scale. Perhaps a too-smart scale... supposedly it measures body fat percentage, body water percentage, muscle mass, bone mass and even features something called a Daily CaloriePredictor™. Hmmmm... it doesn't say whether or not it tells you your weight...

Okay, I've read this three times and I still can't figure out how this hot mess of electronics works.

 

Waitaminute... I just realized that the owner's manual isn't in English. Why do I continue to shop at Grande Juan Carlos' Casa dé Bargains?

 

Okay, well maybe we'll just fire this sucker up and just push buttons until I figure it out... except I need a 9-volt battery and we don't seem to have any of those little square mamba jambas in the battery drawer. Also, we don't seem to have a battery drawer...

 

Luckily, I know where my wife Anita hides the 9-volt batteries...

 

There we go... this thing doesn't even need a battery. It apparently is just a device that emits an ear-piercing noise every time I cook...

You know, I read somewhere that a 9-volt battery contains roughly the same amount of kinetic energy as a bowl of Lucky Charms, but I'm not sure I believe that.

Okay, give me a week to figure this bad boy out and we'll be back in the game! And I'll have an update on my bone mass numbers!

Wacky Weigh-in

Weekly weigh-in:  205.9 - 235.9
Loss: It's a mystery
Total loss: -Nobody knows
Emotion: Emotionless


So I hop on for my weekly weigh-in, and the scale shows a 20-lb. loss.

Go me!

I knew I’d been pretty good, but sometimes you just shock yourself.

So there I am, in mid-celebratory dance, when suddenly it dawns on me…

Sometimes the second time you weigh yourself, the number’s even lower.

So I take a deep breath and jump back on.

Uh oh! A 10-lb. gain.

Hmmmmm… that’s what you get for being greedy.

Three more tries gave me an 18-lb loss, a 14-lb gain and an upside-down row of 3’s.

Changing the batteries only made the inconsistent readings brighter and easier to read.

So apparently I need to keep working.

And buy a new scale.

No Gain, No Pain

Weekly weigh-in: 217.5
Loss: - 0
Total loss: -74.4
Emotion: Blah

Sometimes a gain on the scale gets stuck in my craw and spurs me on to do a little better with my food choices and maybe even exercise a little harder for the next few days.

Sometimes a loss on the scale throws my mojo into overdrive, supercharging my energy and making it a breeze to keep keeping on with my healthy living ways.

Sometimes a gain on the scale just ticks me off–I mean, really frosts my shorts. It makes me question why all of this stuff doesn’t come more naturally to me and why is it exactly that I’m working so damn hard.

Sometimes a loss on the scale just makes me think that I’m on the going-down section of the roller-coaster, and that I’ll be climbing back up before you know it.

And sometimes… sometimes I (and by “I”, I mean every single one of us) give too much weight to these weary weigh-ins. I mean, I have to do them because I know what will happen if I don’t check in regularly… but… (you knew I’d have a big “but” in there didn’t you? Hey! Don’t say I have a big butt!).

But… video evidence to the contrary, I’m getting better and better at understanding my own body and why it is the way it is. I know I that weigh 3-4 lbs. more when I wake up than when I go to bed, and I know a salty meal will stay with me seemingly forever.

I beat myself up over this stuff just like you beat yourself up, but I’m pretty proud of the progress I’ve made, and I have no intention of giving in anytime soon.

I know that there are some strange forces at work inside my mind and body. Some weeks they work in tandem to achieve the desired results and some weeks they’re locked in evenly-matched game of tug of war (and occasionally… only occasionally… they team up and kick my ass).

I stand on a scale once a week, but all it gives me is a number.

It doesn’t tell me who I am or where I’m headed.

That’s for me to decide.

Here We Go Again...

Yeah, last week's weigh-in was a bitch. This week? Not so much...

Weekly weigh-in: 217.5
Loss: -1.5
Total loss: -74.4
Emotion: Unmiffed

Me, My Scale & I

Weekly weigh-in: 216.4
Loss: -.3
Total loss: -75.5
Emotion: Indefatigable

Maybe you and the scale dance every day, maybe you don’t give a doodley-damn what it’s got to say.

Maybe a gain sends you into a spiral of sadness and self-loathing. Maybe an uptick on the scale spurs you to be more determined and driven going forward.

Maybe a loss provides a near pharmaceutical high. Maybe you take each weigh-in with a shrug and a wary smile, because you know what the scale giveth, it may soon taketh away.

Maybe you sweat out every tenth-of-a-pound drop and maybe you don’t give too much weight to a number on a scale.

For me, the scale’s just another tool. Used right, it can help you stay focused and stay accountable. Used wrong, it can drive you out of your ever-loving mind.

Because make no mistake:  it will confound you, perplex you, infuriate you. You can do everything right and it just may laugh in your face. You can struggle and stumble and be shocked to see a “how’d-that-happen?” drop.

Once a week, I take a deep breath and step on that scale.

It isn’t always fair and it isn’t always a loss, but more often than not, I get what I deserve.

What I earned.

Man Vs Scale

Weekly weigh-in: 212.3
Loss: +1.0
Total loss: -79.7
Emotion: Argumentative


Scale: Step right up.

Me: I don’t wanna…

Scale: I said “step up”, bitch!

Me: You know, this journey isn’t all about what you say.

Scale: Ah, the Loser’s Lament.

Me: Excuse me?

Scale: And I don’t mean “loser” in the classic weight-loss context either.

Me: You don’t need to be so ugly…

Scale: Oh, I’m just gettin’ started. Step on and I’ll show you ugly.

Me: I’ve been lifting, and that affects my weight.

Scale: You’ve been lifting all right… you’ve been lifting that fork, you’ve been lifting that beer mug.

Me: Muscle weighs more than fat.

Scale: Yeah, and fat people weigh more than fit people.

Me: All you give me is a number.

Scale: Wrong, Jack Sh*t-for-brains. I give you responsibility, I give you accountability, I give you perspective, I give you purpose.

Me: You’re just a box of gears and circuits.

Scale: And you’re just a bag of blood and bones!

Me: You take away every shred of dignity I have, you bastard…

Scale: Hey, I think that ship sailed when you started having a buck-naked conversation with an inanimate object.

Me: I don’t know why you hate me so much…

Scale: Jack, Jack, Jack… I’m the only one who loves you enough to tell you the plain and honest truth. Your “friends” will let you blow up like a balloon and never saw word one.

Me: Well…

Scale: I’ve got no skin in the game, Jack. You can’t bully me, can’t bribe me, can’t butter me up.

Me: But…

Scale: But nothing. You stick with me… you work with me… and we’ll get to where you want to go.

Me: * sigh* All right… here goes nothing.

Scale: Nothing… you wish! I got a one pound gain for ya! Boo-ya!

Postpoundment

Weekly weigh-in: -------
Loss: ----
Total loss: ------
Emotion: -------

For the month of March, I’ve been marching blindly, making my way through my day without benefit of stepping foot on my bathroom scale. As my four-week truce during this full-scale warfare comes to a close, it seemed a fitting time to reflect on what (if anything) I learned from the experience.

This journey is not about a number. It’s bigger than that. More important than that. The changes I’ve made since I began started out on this trek… eating less, eating healthier, exercising more… have changed my life for the better, regardless of whether that number is 191, 199 or 210. There’s nothing magical about any one number… the real magic is in reclaiming your body and your health.

“Losing weight” and “getting fit” aren’t necessarily the same thing. Maybe the two are interconnected early in the game, but “losing weight” is a Point A to Point B kind of deal; “getting fit” has no finish line. It’s the pursuit of a lifetime.

The end is just the beginning. That’s what has tripped me up in the past. Being done. Being finished. Slipping back into my old bad habits as if they were a pair of flannel pajama pants. You see, I’ve lost weight before only to forget what got me there, forget that chips and beer pack a high-calorie punch, basically just forget myself.

I can’t say for certainty that this time will be any different than the rest, but I like to think that it will. I like to think that I’m older and wiser now and that I appreciate what I’ve been able to accomplish more this go-round than any time in the past. Most of all, I really don’t feel like I’m done yet. Not by a long shot.

I’ve been paying attention to my body this month (though I still never got around to taking measurements). My beer belly’s hasn’t magically transformed into a six-pack, but it’s not a keg these days either. My 34 waist jeans have gotten downright baggy, and I’ve actually had to buy more new shirts because the tops I was wearing this time last year absolutely swallow me now.

I’m eating on plan, exercising like I get paid to do it and am feeling better than I have in… well, better than I ever have, I think. I don’t need a scale to tell me that I’ve been moving in the right direction this month.

That said, if I’ve show a 10-lb. gain next week, I’m gonna crap my pants.

Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Lose... Sometimes Both

Weekly weigh-in: 262.6
Loss: 3.1 lbs
Total loss: 28.9 lbs.
Emotion: Conquery

I may act a fool fairly regularly, but I’m actually pretty wise to the ways of weight-loss success. I know–h*ll, we all know–exactly what it takes to drop the pounds: less chewin’ and more doin’. Follow that simple formula and, chances are, the scale will bend to your will.

Scale Not So Sh*tty After all

Mid-Weekly weigh-in: 268.1
Loss: 3.7 lbs
Total loss: 22.4 lbs.
Emotion: Scale smitten

I knew that my Sunday weigh-in didn't feel quite right, so I broke my 0nce-a-week tradition and hopped on the scale this morning. I was hoping to see at least the gain from last week erased, but was pleasantly surprised to post a whopping number.

Scale, I take back all those ugly things I said about you (at least until you turn on me again, you uncaring, two-timing b*tch).

Stupid, F*ckin' Sh*tty Scale

Weekly weigh-in: 271.8
Gain: 1.3 lbs
Total loss: 18.7 lbs.
Emotion: WTF!!!

Got up early this morning in anticipation of 5 lb. (or greater) loss, but my scale had other plans. Really can't understand it because I was pretty solid all week. Sat down and made list of possible explainations.

1. Ate out at lunch yesterday with teenage daughter; had Ethiopian food, which features bready substance called "teff" (which is Ethiopian for "instant weight gain bread")
2. Did a lot of weight training this week; we all know muscle weighs more than fat
3. Had somewhat larger dinner and salty snacks on Friday
4. Maybe time to pay the piper for two fantastic weeks of losses
5. Drank a few Light Muscle Milk drinks after workouts; maybe they were some of those crazy "weight gaining" drinks that I laugh every time I think about
   
6. House buried on ancient Indian burial ground; spirit world could be involved somehow
7. Water retention? Time of the month? Baseball season?
8. Shouldn't have weighed in wearing heavy mask to prevent swine flu
9. After 40something years on this earth, still don't understand Jack Sh*t about weight loss

Guess I'll chalk this week up to "That's the way it goes sometimes," and try to stay positive. I know I'm doing the right things... watching my intake, increasing my exercise, staying away from situations where I know I haven't been successful in the past.

So the scale doesn't love me today.

It will next week.