Weekly weigh-in: 212.3
Total loss: -79.7
Scale: Step right up.
Me: I don’t wanna…
Scale: I said “step up”, bitch!
Me: You know, this journey isn’t all about what you say.
Scale: Ah, the Loser’s Lament.
Me: Excuse me?
Scale: And I don’t mean “loser” in the classic weight-loss context either.
Me: You don’t need to be so ugly…
Scale: Oh, I’m just gettin’ started. Step on and I’ll show you ugly.
Me: I’ve been lifting, and that affects my weight.
Scale: You’ve been lifting all right… you’ve been lifting that fork, you’ve been lifting that beer mug.
Me: Muscle weighs more than fat.
Scale: Yeah, and fat people weigh more than fit people.
Me: All you give me is a number.
Scale: Wrong, Jack Sh*t-for-brains. I give you responsibility, I give you accountability, I give you perspective, I give you purpose.
Me: You’re just a box of gears and circuits.
Scale: And you’re just a bag of blood and bones!
Me: You take away every shred of dignity I have, you bastard…
Scale: Hey, I think that ship sailed when you started having a buck-naked conversation with an inanimate object.
Me: I don’t know why you hate me so much…
Scale: Jack, Jack, Jack… I’m the only one who loves you enough to tell you the plain and honest truth. Your “friends” will let you blow up like a balloon and never saw word one.
Scale: I’ve got no skin in the game, Jack. You can’t bully me, can’t bribe me, can’t butter me up.
Scale: But nothing. You stick with me… you work with me… and we’ll get to where you want to go.
Me: * sigh* All right… here goes nothing.
Scale: Nothing… you wish! I got a one pound gain for ya! Boo-ya!