Friday, August 13, 2010

I’m Sorry Again, Eminem (Hey, I Made a Rhyme!)

Was too obese to take a chance,
Everybody, could fit in my pants.
Had to get my act together, get myself back.
Never say never, back on track.
Just so you know that, you’re not alone.
Holla if you feel like you’re too fat to go on…

Yeah, It’s been a diet…
I guess I had to get to that weight to get to this one.
Now some of you might still be overweight.
If you’re trying to get fit, just follow me
I’ll help you get there…

You can try and sing my lyrics to the video or simply read ‘em,
But you can’t know my pain, memories I’d like to delete ‘em.
Cause I was large, I tell you that I weighed as much as a Chevy.
When there was something to eat I’d eat it, I was livin’ way too heavy.
What you think–I’m doing this for me? No, f-ck my body,
Feed it sh*t, it’s gone to pot, something’s stopping me.
I couldn’t be what I set out to be, eating uncontrollably,
And when I’d see a sammich on TV, I’d order one with extra cheese
And fries and shake don’t ask me to supersize–oh, I agree!
From overweight to morbid obese, I kept strugglin’
Know I need to diet, gotta try it
Or I’ll end up keeling over and I’m keep feelin’ like I
Eat ‘til I burst, just never felt worse.
It’s all a damn shame, like underwear for Christmas,
It’s a big mistake, forget my lunch break, I’ve got an ache
To pull a fork from the drawer and eat a whole wedding cake.

I'm was too fat to live my life.
Every comment, cut like a knife.
Wanted to get my life together, lose the weight
Now and forever, get back to norm,
And then I learned that, I’m not alone.
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road.

Ok–quit playin’ with my food and sh*t, and hit the gym.
I shouldn’t have to rhyme these words and pretend like I’m Eminem,
To put my own health first, it’s not mysterious.
And you? F*ck the excuses, instead of wastin’ time, let’s all get serious.
And tell yourself, I’ll never let myself down again, I’m back!
And promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let’s be honest, the time for drastic action is now.
Perhaps it’s time for you and I to make a new vow.
And say, there ain’t no way we’re goin back anyhow.
All I’m tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW
Damn, was that thing loaded?
Well, listen up–because I won’t sugarcoat it.
I’m way too Jacked to back down.
But I think I’m gonna run, though I’m feelin’ kinda bloated
Thought I had the scale figured out but I guess I didn’t.
This f-cking thing still bouncing up and down.
It’s time to stop putting off jumping on,
I making next Monday start right now!

If you’re too fat, to take a stand–
Now’s the time; come take my hand.
We'll walk this road together, every day
Never say never, it’s time to roll
Just lettin' you know that, you're not alone.
Holla if you’re ready to get in the weight loss zone.

And I won’t keep living overweight,
So starting today, I’m putting less on my plate.
I’m standing up, Imma face that mirror.
Keep movin’ forward, goal’s gettin’ nearer.
I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up.
Time to put my life back together right now.

It was my decision to get lean, I did it for me.
Additionally, I wanted to set myself free, and you…
You should do this, unconditionally–do what you need to do,
And don’t quit til you’re through, begin your life anew.
We’ve been living life obese, but we gonna cut the cheese, make it cease.
I think I got a tear in my eye, it’s such a saga.
Go big, I only wanna be a bigga blogga, and drop pounds
No more beef fajitas, no more drama from now on, I promise
To focus solely on handling my responsibilities as a blogger,
So I solemnly swear to always treat this group like my daughters and spank it
When their plate has a single Pringle on it.
Cause the way I feel, I’m strong enough to lift any weight
Control my own fate, and keep this whole journey up
Cause I’m losing my heiny, trying to drop a hundred
But I’ll settle for ninety, I feel amazing and

I’m not too fat, I made a stand.
Everybody, please understand
We can take this road together, here or there
Y‘know, wherever, it’s time to go.
Just so you know that, there’s a better way
Holla if you’re ready to start C25K.


  1. Hello Jack! You are quite the musical prodigy, from this Eminem-inspired post to using the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies behind your About Me description. (Just outed myself as a pop culture nerd for spotting the later one.) Great, funny post!

  2. okay... i was hanging in there pretty good until i got to the bit about "eating a whole wedding cake" and then i got a case of the uncontrollable giggles that has everyone at my office concerned.. thanks, jack sht!

  3. I do believe this one is your best yet.

  4. Wonderful! spank for me. No pringles here!



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