Son of Weight-Loss Tips

• One way to tell if lettuce isn't fresh is to check the color; if it's black, it's no longer fresh.

• You can make your own rowing machine with two long poles and a rowboat.

• Drink margarinemilk instead of buttermilk.

• Making low-carb "toast" is simple; just replace the slice of bread with something that's not bread.

• Like to eat when you're stressed out? Next time, try having an uncontrollable crying fit instead.

• If you're invited to a wedding, make a note when you RSVP that you'd appreciate them not serving cake because you're on a diet.

• Can't afford fresh fruit? Try dressing up like a gorilla and getting captured  by a local zoo.

• If all the others runners in the marathon are wearing leather chaps and feathers, you may have accidentally stumbled into a "Gay Pride" parade.

• Tipping your personal trainer with a counterfeit $100 bill will ensure that your next session will be extra-intensive.

Hey Kids! Weight Loss Tips.

• It helps to think of food as "fuel", so take a huge whiff of gasoline before each meal.

• You can get a free personal training session by writing a check that bounces.

• One way to drink more water is to think like a dolphin. Squeeeee squeeeeeee.

• A 50-lb toothbrush allows for an effective arm workout as well as good dental hygiene.

• When you're at a restaurant, ask your waiter to slap you if you try to order dessert.

• Cut out your pre- and mid-weigh-in snack.

• Plan out every meal you're going to have between now and when you die.

• A glass of fresh celery juice will make you never want to put anything in your mouth ever again.

• If you eat more mindfully, then your mind will be more eaterly (okay, it's entirely possible that I've done too many weight-loss tips.

Hungry for more? Well, check out my guest post over at Operation Shrink Charlie's Big Butt.