...Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever got to goal weight by dieting for his country. He got there by dieting for himself.
Men, all this stuff you’ve heard about America not wanting to be fit - wanting to stay obese and out of shape, is a lot of horse dung. Americans traditionally love to be fit and healthy. All real Americans love the feel of pants that fit right and make their asses look good.
When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, big league ball players, the toughest boxers. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Except for this crazy weight loss game! It's all bass-akwards! Americans play to win all the time. Normally, I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. Americans may have never lost and will never lose a war, but by God we will lose these extra pounds!
Now, we have access to the finest, healthiest food and the best equipment. We have the best spirit, and the best access to information in the world. You know, by God, I actually pity those poor pounds we’re goin’ up against. By God, I do. We’re not just gonna lose the bastards, we’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the chains of our bikes, which we will then go out and ride to lose more pounds! We’re going to murder those lousy lb. bastards by the bushel.
Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you’ll chicken out when hunger strikes. Don’t worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The Pounds are the enemy. Wade into them, spill their blood, shoot them in the belly. When you put your hand into that bunch of goo that sits above your belt, you’ll know what to do.
Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position. We’re not holding anything. We are advancing constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything except maybe some new smaller slacks.We’re going to grab onto those pounds by the nose and we’re gonna kick them in the ass. We’re gonna kick the hell out of them all the time and we’re gonna go through them like crap through a goose.
Now, there’s one thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home, and you may thank god for it. Thirty pounds from now when you’re standing in front of that mirror, and ask yourself: ‘What did I do in the Great War?, you won’t have to say: ‘Well, I shoveled shit at T.G.I Fridays.’
All right now, you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel and I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle anytime, anywhere. That’s all.
THE DAILY SCALEY
I've run out of note cards, but there's one thing
I never run out of: pix of cute animals!