Friday, January 21, 2011

You Say Goodbye, And I Say Hello

In case you're new to these parts, I've been giving an extended trial run to the Philips DirectLife activity monitor, a handy little electronic doodad that, through a strange mix of science and sorcery, tracks your daily movement and converts in to calories burned. The DirectLife program also includes ongoing communication with your own personal coach... or at least I thought it did until I received the following email...

Dear dear Jack,

This is actually going to be a Dear Jack letter. ;-(  (aka Dear John..)

You see, I am taking on a new role within DirectLife and this means that I will no longer be your coach. This makes me sad dear Jack, however I know that I will be able to keep up to date on your progress by reading your blog - thankfully!

What does this mean for you? My colleague Erin will be your coach. She will have access to your activity data and I'll bring her up to speed on your excellent progress so far.

If you have any concerns please do let me know. We all want to ensure that you feel well taken care of and that you continue to have the support during your DirectLife program.

Jack, it has been a grand pleasure working with you! Your humor, enthusiasm, dedication and motivation is always so wonderful to work with and so often you brought a big smile to my face just when I saw that there was an email from you. Like Sleepless in Seattle.

Thank you. I sincerely hope that you have learned a thing or two about activity while working with me and that you carry these with you asyou continue with DirectLife - and beyond!

All the best in your journey to the fittest man in the US - I'm on your team and cheering you on every step of the way!


Dear DirectLife Coach Jen

I'm so sorry that all my bitching and moaning about my broken DirectLife activity monitor has apparently gotten you demoted. I hope you haven't been busted down to Junior Market Intelligence Analyst like my good friend Antonio Galván Puente, but if there's one thing you should take away from the experience, it is this: the customer is always right. When I say the activity monitor broke BEFORE I put it in the dryer, you really need to take my word for it and not make me get on the horn to Old Man Philips and complain about shoddy customer service.

But don't let my stinging words, my harsh criticism or the fact that I got you transferred from a job you love take anything away from our experience together. I hope that we can continue inspiring each other in the future, you being inspired by reading my blog and me being inspired by the fact that you're now paying a monthly subscription fee for reading my blog. It's a win-win situation!

I have a few questions about DirectLife Coach Erin before I sign off on her as my activity partner:

1) Is "DirectLife Coach Erin" really a made-up person and part of an elaborate practical joke on your part, kind of like when I signed up for DirectLife under the funny fake name "Tony Posnanski"?
2) If she is indeed a real person, what's her social security number?

3) If it is 0 degrees Fahrenheit one day and it's twice as cold the next day, how cold is it the next day?

Sleepless in Seattle? Is that the one where Tom Hanks changes into a little boy and gets stuck on a deserted island? (I've been a big Hanks fan every since his first role as Ponzi on Happy Days). I enjoyed our correspondence as well, DirectLife Coach Jen, because it made me more closely examine my activity aspirations and my commitment to my fitness goals and, frankly, the very meaning of life as we understand it.

Good luck on your new assignment, DirectLife Coach Jen, and if you ever need anything, I'll be driving around in my car somewhere. No, wait... I'll be walking or running around somewhere (that is... IF I get my new activity monitor).

It's been a pleasure and a privilege.

Take care,


Hello Jack,

Remember me? I'm Erin, your new coach, and I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know that I'm here just as Jen was, to help you through the program and to help you become the fittest man in the US  ;o)

I see that support has gotten a new Activity Monitor sent out, and based on your recent dock this morning, I take it that you've received it? If so, welcome back! Your morning is already off to a great start with activity and I look forward for the days, weeks, and months that are yet to come! 

I'm here if you need anything, Jack, so stay in touch
 and let me know how I can help.

Have a great day!


Hey DirectLife Coach Erin,

I was saddened and shocked to see that DirectLife Coach Jen had been sacked for stealing office supplies; in hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to open an online store called "DirectLife Coach Jen's Discount Office Supplies," but live and learn...

So now it's time for you to learn a little more about me: I used to be a Gemini, but apparently there's been some shake-up at the Department of Horoscopes and I've been reassigned. I just don't know how I feel about that, DirectLife Coach Erin. I hope you haven't been affected by this astrological atrocity, but if you have, don't worry... we'll get through these dark days together. On the upside, I'm supposed to meet a handsome stranger this week, so I got that to look forward to...

As for activity, I am off to a running start, as you correctly pointed out. I've recently taken a new job as a Knife-Thrower's Assistant's Assistant. Basically, I just help the Knife-Thrower's Assistant with all of her duties and help tie her to the Spinning Wheel of Death. I also have to sharpen knives and sew sequins back onto her costume when they get knocked off. I also have to stand in for her when she's sick. Frankly, it's a lot more responsibility than I'm used to, and so far it's managed to keep me more active than some of my previous jobs.

Anyway, thanks for the note and for the offer to help me achieve my goals. You've got big shoes to fill (seriously, I think DirectLife Coach Jen wore a size 14... freaky!).

Take care,


Enhanced by Zemanta


  1. *giggle*

    Yes, that's all I have to add. A giggle. That made me laugh :)

  2. Knife throwing....GRIN.
    "You need to hold a balloon in your mouth. Do you have a baaaaa-looooon?"
    Poor Erin. I hope they provide crisis therapy at Direct Life for all their employees. She's probably gonna need it at some point. ;)

  3. It's inappropriate for me to laugh out loud in the office, so please can you refrain from being so frogging hilarious?!

    You want to add getting me fired as well as DirectLife Coach Jen demoted to your conscience?!

  4. I love these posts -- although I think Direct Life Coach Erin ought to change her name to something with a single syllable. "Direct Life Coach Erin" lacks the thrilling cadence that "Direct Life Coach Jen" possessed.

    Perhaps she'll be amenable to suggestion.

  5. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for the hilareous post this morning!

  6. Thanks for the hiccups from laughing so hard.



  7. How do you know if you're a fitness/weight loss blogs' junkie? You get the "Tony Posnanski" joke...

  8. ahhh, I hope you and erin have the same chemistry you and jen shared...alas, nothing is forever.

  9. You are officially my favorite person!



Related Posts with Thumbnails