All Bets Are Off

They say that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas; however this happened in my neighbor Art’s garage, so I guess it’s okay to talk about.



It was the end of a prolonged session of high-stakes Texas Hold ‘Em, and there were only three players still at the table.


“I bet it all,” snarled Sasparilla Slim sullenly. “Plus, I'm throwin’ in the paper to my Chevy Tahoe.”

“I’ll call,” wheezed Witchita Willie, throwing in the deed to his Harley-Davidson as well as a solid-gold ‘Ramblin' Man’ belt buckle.”



I pushed my remaining chips into the pot and started rooting around in my pocket.

“I call,” I said gruffly, tossing my Philips DirectLife activity monitor on top of the pyramid of chips. “Let's see what you’ve got.”

“Full house,” smiled Sasparilla Slim. “Aces over eights.”



“Nice hand,” grinned Witchita Willie. “Almost as nice as this one: straight club flush!”

There was a moment of anticipation in the smoke-filled room, but then my laughter filled the garage.

“Read ‘em and weep, boys,” I chuckled. “Royal flush.”



As I was raking in my winnings, Sasparilla Slim grabbed my arm.



“That's not a royal flush, dumbass,” he snarled. “You've got a three of hearts, a queen of clubs, a seven of diamonds, a Monopoly ‘Community Chest’ card and... what’s that?”



“That's a dern Jiffy Lube coupon,” grimaced Witchita Willie.

And that’s how I lost my DirectLife activity monitor… and next month’s mortage.

Check back later this afternoon for my final, 
definitive analysis of the Philips DirectLife activity monitor.

Breaking In My New DirectLife Coach

A few months back, I was invited to try out the Philips DirectLife activity monitor, an amazing device that turns my pocket into a portable activity monitor headquarters. A key part of the DirectLife program is access to your own personal DirectLife coach. 

Hi Jack,

I hope you're doing well today. I just wanted to check in and see how your activity has been doing over the past few weeks and it looks great! I did notice that your weekend activity has been a bit lower
though. Is there a reason for that Jack?

I ask more out of curiosity because you are still achieving a healthy level of activity on those days, which is great. I'm more interested in the pattern and what is missing on the weekends that you're doing during the week. All in all, it looks very good Jack. Keep working on that frequent movement and let me know if there's anything you need my help with.

Have a great and active day!

Coach Erin

Dear DirectLife Coach Erin,

Is there a reason my weekend activity seems to be a bit lower than the rest of the week? Well, let me tell you a little story, DirectLife Coach Erin…

The story is abut a little wave, bobbing along in the ocean, having a grand old time. He's enjoying the wind and the fresh air – until he notices the other waves in front of him, crashing against the shore. “My God, this terrible”,the wave says. “Look what's going to happen to me!”

Then along comes another wave. It sees the first wave, looking grim, and it says to him: “Why do you look so sad?” The first wave says: “You don't understand! We're all going to crash! All of us waves are going to be nothing! Isn't it terrible?”

The second wave says: “No, you don't understand. You're not a wave, you're part of the ocean.”

You may recognize that story from  Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom. I was lounging around reading it this weekend. I was exercising my mind, DirectLife Coach Erin. Brain activity is still activity, or does your fancy device not measure that?

Just remember, DirectLife Coach Erin… when you point a finger at me, there are four fingers pointing back at you (I’m assuming that when you point at somebody, you screw your thumb back in a weird unnatural way, by the way).

Take care,

Jack

Hi Jack,

It's good to hear back and learn more about your weekend activity. Reading is a nice hobby and a great way to exercise your brain indeed, especially if you've found a good book, which it sounds like you have.

As I said, you're still reaching a healthy level of activity on the weekends, so keep that up! If you're interested in ways to make reading more physically active (in addition to the mental activity), I
can give you some tips. Just let me know, otherwise enjoy your book and the exercise that your brain is getting!

Best regards,

Coach Erin

Dear DirectLife Coach Erin,

You think I don't already know what you're gonna say? That I can get somebody to sit in the sidecar of a motorcycle and read a book to me while I run down the street? What about the noise from the motorcycle muffler, DirectLife Coach Erin? Plus, I only have hearing in one ear because I fell through the ice when I was a little kid and we were sledding on the thin ice at Bedford Falls Lake. If my brother George hadn't leaped in to save me, I don't know what would have happened...

BTW, I think I lost some activity when the monitor fell out of my pocket while I was on the elliptical at the gym the other day; the only good thing was that the lady that found it on the floor asked me about it and I said "Oh my God, my pacemaker came out again!" You should have seen the look on her face!

Okay, DirectLife Coach Erin, bring on your activity tips if you want to; my old DirectLife Coach Jen said she was going to send me some activity pointers, but every time I'd open one of her files, it was just more of her crappy pastel drawings of her cat, Chester.

Let's both try to have the most active weekend humanly possible.

Your pal,

Jack

You Say Goodbye, And I Say Hello

In case you're new to these parts, I've been giving an extended trial run to the Philips DirectLife activity monitor, a handy little electronic doodad that, through a strange mix of science and sorcery, tracks your daily movement and converts in to calories burned. The DirectLife program also includes ongoing communication with your own personal coach... or at least I thought it did until I received the following email...

Dear dear Jack,



This is actually going to be a Dear Jack letter. ;-(  (aka Dear John..)



You see, I am taking on a new role within DirectLife and this means that I will no longer be your coach. This makes me sad dear Jack, however I know that I will be able to keep up to date on your progress by reading your blog - thankfully!



What does this mean for you? My colleague Erin will be your coach. She will have access to your activity data and I'll bring her up to speed on your excellent progress so far.



If you have any concerns please do let me know. We all want to ensure that you feel well taken care of and that you continue to have the support during your DirectLife program.



Jack, it has been a grand pleasure working with you! Your humor, enthusiasm, dedication and motivation is always so wonderful to work with and so often you brought a big smile to my face just when I saw that there was an email from you. Like Sleepless in Seattle.

Thank you. I sincerely hope that you have learned a thing or two about activity while working with me and that you carry these with you asyou continue with DirectLife - and beyond!

All the best in your journey to the fittest man in the US - I'm on your team and cheering you on every step of the way!



Jen

Dear DirectLife Coach Jen

I'm so sorry that all my bitching and moaning about my broken DirectLife activity monitor has apparently gotten you demoted. I hope you haven't been busted down to Junior Market Intelligence Analyst like my good friend Antonio Galván Puente, but if there's one thing you should take away from the experience, it is this: the customer is always right. When I say the activity monitor broke BEFORE I put it in the dryer, you really need to take my word for it and not make me get on the horn to Old Man Philips and complain about shoddy customer service.



But don't let my stinging words, my harsh criticism or the fact that I got you transferred from a job you love take anything away from our experience together. I hope that we can continue inspiring each other in the future, you being inspired by reading my blog and me being inspired by the fact that you're now paying a monthly subscription fee for reading my blog. It's a win-win situation!

I have a few questions about DirectLife Coach Erin before I sign off on her as my activity partner:



1) Is "DirectLife Coach Erin" really a made-up person and part of an elaborate practical joke on your part, kind of like when I signed up for DirectLife under the funny fake name "Tony Posnanski"?
2) If she is indeed a real person, what's her social security number?

3) If it is 0 degrees Fahrenheit one day and it's twice as cold the next day, how cold is it the next day?

Sleepless in Seattle? Is that the one where Tom Hanks changes into a little boy and gets stuck on a deserted island? (I've been a big Hanks fan every since his first role as Ponzi on Happy Days). I enjoyed our correspondence as well, DirectLife Coach Jen, because it made me more closely examine my activity aspirations and my commitment to my fitness goals and, frankly, the very meaning of life as we understand it.

Good luck on your new assignment, DirectLife Coach Jen, and if you ever need anything, I'll be driving around in my car somewhere. No, wait... I'll be walking or running around somewhere (that is... IF I get my new activity monitor).



It's been a pleasure and a privilege.



Take care,

Jack

Hello Jack,



Remember me? I'm Erin, your new coach, and I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know that I'm here just as Jen was, to help you through the program and to help you become the fittest man in the US  ;o)



I see that support has gotten a new Activity Monitor sent out, and based on your recent dock this morning, I take it that you've received it? If so, welcome back! Your morning is already off to a great start with activity and I look forward for the days, weeks, and months that are yet to come! 

I'm here if you need anything, Jack, so stay in touch
 and let me know how I can help.



Have a great day!

Erin

Hey DirectLife Coach Erin,



I was saddened and shocked to see that DirectLife Coach Jen had been sacked for stealing office supplies; in hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to open an online store called "DirectLife Coach Jen's Discount Office Supplies," but live and learn...



So now it's time for you to learn a little more about me: I used to be a Gemini, but apparently there's been some shake-up at the Department of Horoscopes and I've been reassigned. I just don't know how I feel about that, DirectLife Coach Erin. I hope you haven't been affected by this astrological atrocity, but if you have, don't worry... we'll get through these dark days together. On the upside, I'm supposed to meet a handsome stranger this week, so I got that to look forward to...



As for activity, I am off to a running start, as you correctly pointed out. I've recently taken a new job as a Knife-Thrower's Assistant's Assistant. Basically, I just help the Knife-Thrower's Assistant with all of her duties and help tie her to the Spinning Wheel of Death. I also have to sharpen knives and sew sequins back onto her costume when they get knocked off. I also have to stand in for her when she's sick. Frankly, it's a lot more responsibility than I'm used to, and so far it's managed to keep me more active than some of my previous jobs.



Anyway, thanks for the note and for the offer to help me achieve my goals. You've got big shoes to fill (seriously, I think DirectLife Coach Jen wore a size 14... freaky!).

Take care,



Jack

Livin' the DirectLife (Pssst... Here's Your Chance to Win)

Surely you already know this (and sorry to call you Shirley), but I've been carrying around a little Philips DirectLife activity monitor in my pocket for months. It tells me if (I mean, when) I've met my daily activity goals and it allows DirectLife Coach Jen to always know exactly where I am and what I'm doing (I'm just assuming that part). Along my journey with my little DirectLife doodad, I've made a lot of friends...

Dear Jack,

I hope this email finds you doing well. This is Antonio Galván from the DirectLife marketing department. I just wanted to check in to see how you are doing and how things with your DirectLife programs are progressing?

What are your thoughts? How do you like it so far? Don’t hesitate to let me know if I can do anything to enhance your experience as a blogger participating in the DirectLife program.
 
Active regards,
Antonio.


Well, if it isn't DirectLife Junior Market Intelligence Analyst Antonio Galván Puente. Isn't it about time you got a promotion anyway? I bet all the other Market Intelligence Analysts give you the business about that “Junior” part.

Some dude wants to send me a free Gruve montior to take on a test drive, but I don't know. I'm passionately in like with DirectLife Coach Jen, and you’ve always been a good guy, too (not like that bastard DirectLife Coach José... oh, I hate him so...). What do you think I oughta do? I mean, you know I'm partial to the Philips gizmo, but you gotta admit that “Gruve” is a better name. Why didn't you guys let me name the activity monitor anyway?

I do have one question you might be able to answer for me:  I'm in the process of changing to a new laptop (it’s a long story, but suffice it to say that bathtub blogging is no longer permitted in the Sh*t household), and my new machine doesn't recognize the activity monitor when I plug it into the USB drive. Did I get a CD when I received it or did I download it from your site? Are you interested in buying my old laptop; it still works perfectly fine (except for the occasional spark or two).

I hope you’re doing well, too, Junior Market Intelligence Analyst Antonio Galván Puente. My best wishes to you and your lovely wife Rosa and your kids Petey and Joanna (I'm totally guessing on all this family stuff, but that's really something if it turns out I'm right, huh?)

Take care,

Jack


Dear Jack,

Thanks for your answer. I have forwarded the question regarding your new laptop to our Support team and I am sure they will have the right answer.

The family guess is indeed close to reality Jack ;)

Active regards,
Antonio.

Dear DirectLife Junior Market Intelligence Analyst Antonio Galván Puente,

Twenty minutes ago, the hotshots from Philips Tech Support actually busted through my skylight, rappelled down and reloaded the DirectLife software on my new laptop (they said to send you the bill for the busted skylight).

I knew I was close on the family stuff; I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a couple of years and I think it's helping me get more and more psychic.

Thanks for your help,

Jack


Dear Jack,

This is Junior Market Intelligence Analyst, Antonio Galván, with a proposal for you.

Since we first invited you, we have followed your blog and we are very impressed with the way in which you engage your friends and followers who sure see you as an inspiration for weight loss and lifestyle.

We are happy to offer you up to three DirectLife packages for three coming competitions you have in mind. We previously did something similar with Tony and it was good to see that the reward inspired some followers to run 5K.

Please let me know if you think this is an offer interesting for you and we can organize the details.

Active regards from the DirectLife team,

Antonio.

Well, Junior Market Intelligence Analyst Antonio Galván, my first thought was that I could actually use three more activity monitors myself. I was thinking that it might quadruple my own activity level knowing that my levels were being tracked by four separate devices.

But then I started thinking about selfishness... and how my selfish family would all demand that I give them one of my precious activity monitors. What good would that do me, Junior Market Intelligence Analyst Antonio Galván?

So I had a completely different idea: what if I used up to three DirectLife packages for three coming competitions I have in mind? I like it!

Let's make this happen, Junior Market Intelligence Analyst Antonio Galván!

Take care,

Jáck

Dear Jack,

Thanks a lot for your answer. Let’s do it this way: feel free to organize any three competitions in the rest of the year and announce that the price will be a DirectLife with a four-month membership.

Then, once you know who the winner is you can send us her/his email address where we will send the invitation email for registration. The winner will receive DirectLife in her/his mailbox in no later than five business days.

Thanks again and enjoy the rest of the weekend,

Antonio.

If you made it this far, then here’s your reward…

ANNOUNCING THE FIRST OF THREE CONTESTS FOR A FREE DIRECTLIFE ACTIVITY MONITOR WITH A FOUR-MONTH MEMBERSHIP… ONE COMMENT ON TODAY’S POST WILL BE RANDOMLY CHOSEN BY DIRECTLIFE JUNIOR MARKET INTELLIGENCE ANALYST ANTONIO GALVÁN PUENTE AS THE PRIZE WINNER. PLEASE ADDRESS ALL COMMENTS TO HIM, BUT BE SURE AND PASSIONATELY DESCRIBE YOUR DESIRE FOR THIS DEVICE, BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING THAT JUNIOR MARKET INTELLIGENCE ANALYST ANTONIO GALVÁN PUENTE RESPONDS TO, IT IS RAW, UNBRIDLED PASSION.

I'M SORRY, MY CAPLOCK BUTTON IS STUCK AND I DON'T KNOW HOW to... oh, there it goes... good luck and may God have mercy on your souls (I just really like the way that sounds...)

Dear Jack

As you may or may not (or may) know, I was selected to give a trial run to the Philips DirectLife activity monitor, an amazing device that, quite frankly, makes every other activity monitor on the planet look like a dried up dog turd. Anyway, I was assigned my own personal DirectLife coach, and, well... one thing led to another. It was a wonderful few weeks, but... *sniff*... read on...

Dear DirectLife Coach Jen,

I can’t say I was completely taken by surprise when I received your recent “Dear Jack” letter saying things were over between the two of us, but I guess I was a little disappointed in the impersonal tone:


Dear Jack,

Congratulations. You have completed the DirectLife Activity Plan.

Is that all we ever were, DirectLife Coach Jen? A DirectLife Activity Plan? Do you realize how cheap that makes me feel? Do you even care?

I knew when DirectLife Coach José was rubbing it in about how close he sat to you and how shiny your hair was that it would only be a matter of time before he made his move. Damn him and his sexy accent mark and his suave Latin-lover ways.

I gave 100% during our time together, DirectLife Coach Jen. Actually, according to the link to my Results Page, I gave 101% during our time together (1554 calories per day, to be exact). You even admitted that I’m “above the healthy activity level as set by the World Health Organization”. I’ve moved mountains for you, DirectLife Coach Jen, and this is how you repay me...

And thanks for this little jab: “Yet it seems like things have slowed down lately. Now would be a good time to take that extra step. Try not to get frustrated. It takes time to make lasting lifestyle changes. You're on the right track.” If you were trying to make me cry, DirectLife Coach Jen, then mission accomplished!

I once accused you of being a robot, DirectLife Coach Jen, but now I know that's not true. A robot doesn't send this cold and cruel communication to sever a relationship (I know, because I dated a couple of robots in college...).

I’ll forever keep the little Philips DirectLife activity monitor gizmo in my pocket as a memento of our time together, our beautiful long-distance relationship. But I’ll promise you one thing, DirectLife Coach Jen: you’ll never have another person in your life like Jack Sh*t!

Sincerely,

Jack Sh*t

Monitoring More DirectLife Emails

I'm off on a long weekend with Anita to celebrate our anniversary, so I'm cheating a little today and running the interview I did for the DirectLife blog recently. You may have seen it already, but I bet you didn't see my correspondence with DirectLife Junior Market Intelligence Analyst Antonio Galván and DirectLife Coach José...

Dear Jack,

I sat with coach José and he would like to know your answer to the following questions:

From reading your blog we noticed how determined you are. What do you consider important when setting a goal and staying motivated?

From your experience, what is the impact of an active life in weight?

Where did your inspiration to lose weight come from?

Now that you have been so successful in losing weight, what advice would you have for our DirectLife members?

If you had to sum up your DirectLife experiences to a friend from your cell phone what would you text (146 characters)?

Thanks a lot,

Antonio.

______________________________________________

Antonio Galván Puente
Junior Market Intelligence Analyst
www.philips.com/directlife

Hello Jack,

I just wanted to quickly introduce myself. Antonio mentioned the idea of doing an interview-type blog post with you. I wanted to send you some questions that I thought would be great to have your answers for, but I believe he already went ahead and sent them to you. So, just wanted to say hi, and that I am looking forward to your answers. I sit very close to Jen in the office (we both work in India...kidding!), and it has been a lot of fun to read your interactions on your blog. Also enjoyed your "tough love" post today... like I said, it will be great to have you on our blog.

Have a great and active weekend, Jack

José

|

Hey DirectLife Coach José,

I don't like to brag, but do you know who's a good interviewer? Me!

I interviewed the President of Weight Watchers a few weeks back and asked him some probing, insightful questions that, quite frankly, raised the bar of interviewing about seventeen notches. That's why I was a trifle disappointed with the quality of the interview questions that Antonio forwarded on to me. Where's the kind of question that will have the reader sitting on the edge of his or her seat?

For example, "Jack, is it true that you're a cannibal?"

See? You're breathlessly waiting for me to answer that question now, because if I am a cannibal, then that changes everything you thought you knew about me! (the answer is that I'm NOT a cannibal, but I do have some really good cannibal recipes I sometimes share with my readers, some of whom just happen to be cannibals).

My disappointment aside, I'll answer your damn questions, DirectLife Coach José. And don't rub it in that you sit in such close proximity to DirectLife Coach Jen; you know that there's quite a bit of sexual tension between the two of us and now you've just about set me off into a jealous rage. Watch your back, DirectLife Coach José!

Thanks for the note.

Jack

Hi Jack,

Sorry to hear about your disappointment with the questions. I have no doubt about how good an interviewer you are and that you could come up with much more interesting and creative questions. Sorry if this took some of the fun out of it! I can imagine it did. On the other hand, from what I read in your blog.... I am totally convinced that you will be able to work with them in a way that does keep "the reader sitting on the edge of his or her seat".

Have a truly great day,

José

|

Hey DirectLife Coach José,

I just sent Junior Market Intelligence Analyst Antonio Galván the answers to those interview questions. And way to set the bar absurdly high, DirectLife Coach José. It's like you two want me to fail...

By the way, can you please tell DirectLife Coach Jen that her hair looks nice and shiny today? Chicks dig that kind of stuff...

Your pal,

Jáck

|

Hey Junior Market Intelligence Analyst Antonio Galván,

I'm a little ticked off that you and DirectLife Coach José have those bitchin' little accent marks in your names. Do you think you're better than me because of that? Well, I do!

Here's the answers to the questions you sent last week. Let me know if you need anything else or would like to lend me some money.

Thanks,

Jáck

From reading your blog we noticed how determined you are. What do you consider important when setting a goal and staying motivated?

Yes, I AM determined. In fact, I often get letters from suicide bombers asking “Hey, brother–how can I be as committed as you are?”

Truthfully, I don’t know why some journeys spark and some sputter. All I know is that when you do finally catch hold of that lightning bolt, you need to hang on and ride it for as long as humanly possible.

And I do give my blog – Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit – a lot of credit for getting my weight-loss journey bubbling on the front burner. I post my weigh-in numbers every week, and that’s a huge incentive for me to stay on track because I have a lot of readers who’ll get on my case if I slack off for very long.

From your experience, what is the impact of an active life in weight?

It’s all intertwined for me: diet, exercise, focus. When I’m active, I tend to eat better, tend to sleep better, tend to manage the stresses of my day better. It really is true that an activity-filled lifestyle creates more energy for you in the long run, and the long run is what we all need to be concerned with.

Where did your inspiration to lose weight come from?

Who among us doesn’t want to be fit, to be healthy? Who really wants to be overweight or obese? There’s usually some moment of rage… a public embarrassment, a cruel comment or seeing a particularly bad photograph of oneself… that gets us charged up but that kind of fire burns way too quickly. What we need to enjoy success over the long haul is a sustainable source of inspiration, something that can fuel a slow and steady burn.

My inspiration came on Easter Sunday of last year. My family was out of town and I was feeling down after another bad day of eating and drinking way, way too much. I spent some time having a long heart-to-heart talk with myself. A switch flipped over inside me and I knew, from that moment on, that things were going to change for the better.

Now that you have been so successful in losing weight, what advice would you have for our DirectLife members?

Get going, get moving. Just get started. Today. Right now. Right this very moment. You don’t have to eat nothing but celery or go out and run a marathon tomorrow, but you do have to make some changes. You need to find a lifestyle you can live with and… well… start living with it.

If you had to sum up your DirectLife experiences to a friend from your cell phone what would you text (146 characters)?

Xppt krig 4 odsjg… hate this crappy phone. Got 2 keep moving or DirectLife Coach Jen will send an electric jolt thru activity monitor and render me sterile.

Jack Sh*t is the mastermind behind Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit, the diet, health and wellness blog that chronicles one man’s journey from “too fat” to “all that”. Besides being a full-time blogger, Jack makes exotic animal sculptures out of candy corn, which he sells at local flea markets and craft fairs.

Jack & Jen (with Vacation Pix)

Any list of history's great couples... Cleopatra and Marc Anthony, Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara, Brad and Angelina... would have to include Jack Sh*t and DirectLife Coach Jen. Fate has thrown us together as I give a trial run to the Philips DirectLife activity monitor, a fascinating little gizmo that... um... monitors activity. You can find out more about it by... uh... Googling it yourself...

Hi Jack,

I really hope that you are doing well today. In looking at your DirectLife Plan it seems that you are really on track in terms of hitting your targets relatively consistently. Certainly in the week view you are right on track.

Now that you are 10 weeks into the Plan I want to know if you feel that you are closer to reaching your goals...remember...the most active man in the USA. I do check in on your blog on occasion and I must say that your commitment to yourself and to all the people who view your blog is outstanding. So, really I'm just checking in to say
hello, compliment you on your great initiative and to find out from you about your experience so far.

I look forward to hearing from you when you have some time,

Jen


DirectLife Coach Jen,

Sorry not to get back to you in a timely manner, but I was working on trying to come up with an answer to the question: "What's a question with no answer called?" It's had me scratching my head all morning (should have taped my activity monitor to my wrist, I suppose).

I just got back from a trip to Glacier National Park in Montanna, DirectLife Coach Jen. I've attached the pictures because I knew you'd want to be the first to see 'em...

In my part of the world, snow in July doesn't generally happen...

This is a little thing I like to call "Nature".

I think these are mountain lions, but I could be mistaken...

Riiiiiiiiiiii-cola!

Apparently this was from a wildlife calendar...

Ditto.

Me and my wife Anita.

My daughter Pisa is head over heels happy about playing in snow.

Pisa wanted to adopt this one...

Our rockin' little cabin in the woods.

The only problem was the teeny-tiny TV.

I simply won't take a lot of flack from Canadians...

Yes, that white stuff we're tromping around in is snow. Dumbass that I am, I got on a shuttle wearing shorts and a t-shirt because it was sunny and warm where we parked. A half hour later, we're hiking through foot-deep frozen precipitation. Luckily they sold sweatshirts in the gift shop.

Have you ever had homemade huckleberry ice cream, DirectLife Coach Jen? My daughter Pisa and I were all over that stuff. I had the misguided notion that since I was hiking all over mountain trails, I could eat whatever the hell I wanted. This may come as a shock to you, DirectLife Coach Jen, but that simply isn't the case.

I was happy to see that you guys put a weight loss tracker on the DirectLife site now. I haven't started using it yet because I'm still working on that unanswerable answer, but it's on my to-do list (right under "make to-do list").

And let's make a deal, DirectLife Coach Jen: I'll work on continuously raising my activity level to meet my self-stated goal ("most active man in USA") and you increase the frequency of reading my blog ("On occasion? On occasion?").

Ten weeks? It only seems like two and a half months to me...

Take care,

Jack

Hi Jack

As I may have mentioned before, I'm giving a Philips DirectLife activity monitor a trial run. One of the most interesting things about the little electronic gizmo is that it's tethered to a real life (possibly) personal coach (still not 100% sure it's not robot or call center worker from India... must conduct more tests) who provides you support, supplies you with information and, sometimes, falls in love with you. I'm not saying that that's happened in my case, but I'm not saying that it hasn't either...

Dear DirectLife Coach Jen,

I would never imply that you think my dedicated workouts are not valuable or important. I would never put words in your mouth, and if I did it would be more like "Jack, you're like some mythological god who's come down from Olympus to stride the Earth once more" or "Jack, you're activity levels are getting me all hot and bothered over here."

Truthfully, I didn't even realize that the doohickey made a little light show at night (I'm not much of an instruction reader, DirectLife Coach Jen). When I saw it go off, I almost put on my running shoes and took off down the street to see if I could make it go haywire again.

I'm going to be completely serious for a minute, DirectLife Coach Jen: you're absolutely right. I tend to look at activity as an all-or-nothing proposition. I throw myself into my workouts, and then I throw myself into my work. I'm starting to see that it can be valuable to change the way I look at all-through-the-day activity, that there's something to be said for short bursts of movement and added emphasis on effort. You've somehow managed to cram some insightful information through my incredibly thick skull. I think it's high time you asked for a raise, DirectLife Coach Jen.

Well, I gotta run. We're having my middle daughter Holly's birthday party today and I've ordered a moon bounce castle (she's 18 going on 8); there's a fair chance that I make the activity monitor blow up today...

Take care,

Jack


Hi Jack,

It is really always a pleasure to get your emails. I like that you add humor to every email, but you're also able to get serious. I was hoping that you had docked already so that I could see your activity from the moon bounce castle - next time...

It sounds like you have now decided to take this opportunity of being involved in the DirectLife program to really explore the activity-all-through-the-day concept. I, of course, fully support you in this and am here to now help you find out how you can do that. Sometimes this take a bit of mental gymnastics to figure out just where and how more activity can be fit in. Creativity is helpful, and willingness is key. Do you already see areas of your life that you can add in more activity? If not, I can send you a brainstorming exercise which helps you think outside the box, and then narrow the options into realistic ones that you will try. Would you like me to send you this? I promise that it won't make your computer blow up.

I hope the birthday party was fantastic!

Dear DirectLife Coach Jen,

You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little f*cked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to f*ckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?

Ahhhh, forget it. It would have been better if we were sitting around a table at a restaurant with a bunch of wiseguys and then I pulled a gun on you like in GoodFellas. In an email, it just comes across as kinda creepy (but it's too late to delete it now).

I'm a little out of sorts because I wasn't able to make the activity doohickey blow up in the moon bounce castle, DirectLife Coach Jen. After landing on a couple of little kids and getting yelled at by their parents, the fun kind of got sucked out of the entire experience. Then the 17- and 18-year-olds just wanted to lounge around in it. Youth is wasted on the young, DirectLife Coach Jen!

You can send me your brainstorming exercise if you want, but thinking outside the box is what I do for a living, DirectLife Coach Jen. I think outside the box, inside the box and all around each corner of the box. Sometimes, I sit in a box to help me think outside it and then visa versa. Just the other day, I invented something that I call the "reverse push-up" where you get down on the floor and then... well, I haven't worked out all the details yet. But that just illustrates the kind of outside-the-box thinking that I'm capable of...

Lastly, I don't like to toot my own horn, but TOOT TOOT I'M KILLING YOUR ACTIVITY MONITOR. TOOT TOOT CHECK OUT MY NUMBAHS! TOOT TOOT

Take care,

Jack

Hi Jack,

How has your week gone? I must say your Activity Data and progress since your Assessment week is outstanding! How are you feeling? Is this doable longer term and are you feeling energetic and excited by the added activity?

Your blogs are fantastic, was there some Dr. Seuss' influence in there?

Now, with your increased activity I also notice that the exercise really boosts up the score, and there is not much adjustment to the day to day. Not to harp on this too much, but is this something that you working towards changing as well? Let me know and have a fantastic
weekend,

Jen

PS. Happy belated fathers day! I hope that it was a wonderful celebration of YOU! ... I notice that you took that day off of monitor wearing. Was this a conscious decision or did you just happen to leave it behind by accident?

Hi DirectLife Coach Jen,

Thanks for complimenting my near superhuman efforts on the activity front, but the truth is that I had a tiny setback this week: just like Samson was weakened when his beautiful hair was cut off, I've been laid low by a hurty heel. Turns out my Achille's Heel is actually my heel. Actually, I guess that makes me more like Achilles than Samson.

I tried to stay off it the last couple of days and I was actually able to run again this morning in a 6 a.m. full-court basketball game. I was at over 75% of my activity level for the day by 7:30 this morning. I could slip into a coma this afternoon and still hit my numbers, because that's the kind of high-activity son-of-a-bitch I am!

I'm still trying to incorporate more activity into my work day, but it's difficult as a professional casket tester. My job is to lay there and make certain that each coffin my company produces has suitable "layability". There's a little more to it than that, but I hate to talk shop...

I'm not sure I know this Dr. Seuss person you're referring to. Is he somebody I should talk to about my gimpy heel?

Take care,

Jack

P.S. Thanks for the Father's Day well wishes. I let my dad Horace wear my activity monitor for the day, which should explain why the number was zero. I'm surprised it wasn't even lower, frankly.

Monitoring My Activity Monitor Emails...

As I may have mentioned before, I'm giving the Philips DirectLife activity monitor a test ride. The best thing about this program is that it gives you access to your very own activity coach that you're allowed to torture all you want...

Hello Jack!

When I read your question on 'This sentence is false', I really had to smile. How can I convince you that I am indeed a person and not a robot? Hopefully by now you feel that you are working with a human.... a human who's here to help you get the most out of the DirectLife program.

I think that I missed a beat when you wrote: "Your challenge is to find some way to make me the activest person I can possibly be."

I cannot make you do anything Jack. It is up to you how you go about this program and how much you change your activity. I am here to support you on this journey. I can give you advice, help you plan, get back on track (if you go off track), and support you, but ultimately it is you who will be making the choice each day to choose activity. You've indicated that you want to increase your activity. I'm here to help you do that.

Sometimes when people begin the DirectLife program they indicate that they are really eager and ready to be more active but when it comes down to it, they are not quite mentally ready to make the choice each day to be active. They like the idea of being more active, but for instance, they physically like the escalator more than the stairs. and thus they still pick the escalator. Where do you feel you fit in this Jack? Are you both saying you are ready and are ready, or do you want to be ready but need some time to figure out what you are willing to do in terms of changing?

The more I understand where you are now, the better able I will be to coach you to a more active lifestyle and I really want to help you achieve that.

I have attached two articles on the negative effects of sedentary behavior (on both active and inactive people) for your reference if you are interested. For me they were really informative and quite surprising. They helped me decide to get up from my desk more often.

I really look forward to hearing from you Jack and wish you a happy and active day,

Jen

P.S. Just as a side note...Philips does do work on brain activity monitoring ;-)

http://www.healthcare.philips.com/main/products/index.wpd
We even have a research project that measures brain activity to prevent day traders from making emotional rather than rational decisions. Find a link here: http://www.design.philips.com/about/design/designnews/pressreleases/rationalizer.page


Hi Directlife Coach Jen,

Where do I fit in, DirectLife Coach Jen? I go "up" on the "down" escalator! How's that for a commitment to activity?

I know what you mean though; a lot of the folks who follow my blog (Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit, in case you're curious) want to lose weight and become more fit, but for some reason can't find in within themselves to take the necessary steps to achieve the success they claim they want. I guess it's easier to just wish things would get better than to get busy and change things ourselves.

I'm inclined to agree with what you say about this program being up to me and what I make of it, DirectLife Coach Jen. I didn't open the attachments you sent because even though I'm now 87% certain that you're not a robot, I couldn't take a chance that you were trying to zap me with a robot virus. I get the point though: activity=good, sedentary=evil. I'm down with that.

I'm curious as to how many folks you're working with, DirectLife Coach Jen. My buddy Tony claims you're his BFF and I see your name on people's Twitter tweets from time to time. I guess I'm a little worried that you're overworked and not having time to get enough activity in during your day. Unless you work at a treadmill desk or are a robot, I mean...

Take care,

Jack

Hi Jack,

(and Hi everyone that reads Jacks' blogs! - in case you do post this email as well). Jack, thanks for the link. It was quite funny for me to read your blog, our interactions and then all the comments. Again, I could not help but smile. To clear up some uncertainty.... it sure is hot here in India! But that doesn't bother me much with my metal parts and all - I just need a bit of greasing every once in awhile.

No, no...I am not a robot, I am not working in India, nor am I overworked with coaching. So how come I happen to have you and all of your blogger buddies as people that I coach? It so happens that my coaching profile matches up best with that of all of you. But I am one of many DirectLife coaches. As a team we have a variety of backgrounds, from behavioral psychologists, kinesiologists, nutritionists, counsellors, and teachers to competitive athletes. If I am ever away on holidays or sick one of them will be available to fill in for me as your coach, if desired. So in time Jack, you may get a chance to meet one of the other coaches.

Now, from your response it sounds like you are both willing and ready to make changes. Is this right? If so, can we begin to look more closely at your activity patterns to find times that you can be more active?

Take Tuesday for instance. I think that was the day that you had budget meetings. Does the lower level of activity concern you? Reflecting back on that day, do you see any opportunities to be more active? Please do let me know.

I look forward to your next email Jack and wish you an excellent and active weekend,

Jen

Hi DirectLife Coach Jen,

What makes you think I'd be putting our correspondence on the internet where anyone could see it (especially when you're being more entertaining than me)?

You want to talk about Tuesday? See, you're spending too much time reading my blog and not paying attention to my emails. That was the day I ran... I RAN, DIRECTLIFE COACH JEN... for thirty minutes without stopping. I was duking it out with the treadmill at my gym, intent on not giving up before it did (we settled on a draw after it became clear that neither of us was giving in that day). Anyway, I had tripped the 5K mark when it dawned on me that my activity monitor doodad was sitting in my pants pocket, which was on my pants, which were in a locker, which was in the lockerroom. So while you think I was crammed inside a locker sitting perfectly still for a half hour, I was actually as active as all get-out. Don't count Tuesday against me, DirectLife Coach Jen. Don't you dare count Tuesday against me...

BTW, I thought a "kinesiologist" is somebody that works on kaleidoscopes. If you've got somebody on staff that does that, I'd like to send in my kaleidoscope for repair. My daughter Pisa dropped it on the floor and now when you gaze through the hole, it looks like it's busted into a thousand pieces.

Take care,

Jack

More Yakking with DirectLife Coach Jen

As I may have already mentioned, I'm currently giving a trial run to the Philips DirectLife activity monitor, a little electronic doomahichey that comes with your own personal coach to aid you in your quest to ratchet up your activity. Please don't leave any mean comments about her, because I'm pretty sure she's reading my blog.

Hi Jack,

Let me begin by saying an enormous congratulations for all of your work on increasing your health over the past 13 months. It is a fantastic achievement and I am really happy for you!

Now, to help me coach you can you please dock your device so that I can see your activity levels? Thank you! Peeing in a cup is not necessary, of course. I look forward to seeing those results and after the weekend I will get back to you with feedback on your activity levels so that we can really get this Jack-coach Jen team started.

Enjoy the weekend!

Jen

PS. Google treadmill desk and you will indeed find that it's out there - and in use! I notice you've stopped docking your Activity Monitor after your Assessment Week. Unfortunately I can't see if you've just postponed starting your program or if there's another issue at hand.

Dear DirectLife Coach Jen,

C'mon, DirectLife Coach Jen! It was my birthday... and Memorial Day weekend. Can't you give me a break from your reckless pursuit of trying to make me the most active man on earth?

I was getting back after it today, but the worst thing happened. Are you ready for this, DirectLife Coach Jen? I was wrapping up a 30-minute, 5K treadmill run when it suddenly dawned on me that I didn't have my activity monitor in my pocket! AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

One of the women at the fitness center rushed over with a defribulator and was about to zap me with it when I convinced her I wasn't having a heart attack, but was distraught over having performed activity that wasn't going to count toward my daily totals. What are we going to do about THAT, DirectLife Coach Jen? I thought about taping the monitor to the wheel of my car and making you think that I did somersaults all the way back to my office. Better that then you thinking that I was sitting in a locker for an hour!

Speaking of activity that's not getting counted, what about you-know-what, DirectLife Coach Jen? I mean, I don't have a pocket when my wife Anita and I are rockin' the casbah, so what's your suggestion for claiming full credit for ALL of my activity?

We're really getting to be good friends, DirectLife Coach Jen. Except that I think you should have made more of a big deal about my kick-ass assessment.

Anyway... I'll try to remember to get my lil' activity doodad on me as much as I can, and thanks for all the tips on incorporating more activity into my day. My poor old body's not going to know what hit it....

Take care,

Jack


Hi Jack,

Happy belated birthday! I'm sorry that I missed it but I hope that you had a fantastic celebration. and THANK YOU for docking your device. I can now see your Activity Data and indeed you had a fantastic week of activity!

When I look at your Activity History I notice several hours with hardly any movement like Monday the 24th from 7am to 6pm. Yes, you were really active from 6 - 8 but these hours of inactivity still stand out. Since you already do activities in which you burn a lot of calories and seem to be very consistent with them, how you look at the periods of lowest activity in your daily routine is very relevant. Are you concerned about your activity at these times?

During registration you mentioned that you would like to be more active. Are you open to looking at those times of less activity to see how we can increase your overall daily activity? If possible, take a moment and have a look at what your graphs show on Sunday May 23rd and your activity levels throughout the day. What pattern do you see? Do you see this on other days of the week too? What does it, if anything, make you think?

Again, you are really active and did indeed have a kick-ass Assessment so I don't want to take any of that away from you. You are already very active. What I am hoping to do is to help you see an opportunity to be active in a different way, throughout the day.

Until soon,

Jen

Hi DirectLife Coach Jen,

It's a shame that Philips doesn't make a device that measures brain activity, DirectLife Coach Jen. Those big gaps in my day that look like I've lapsed into a coma are periods that are choc-full of brain synapses firing off in every-which direction.

Did you see that movie Good Will Hunting about the guy that could do crazy hard math equations that stumped even the most learned professors? Well, I'm kind of like that (except I'm really bad at math). My point is that I'm often holed up thinking big thoughts (or stuck in budget meetings) and can't be as active as you and I would like. If you think I can get everyone in a budget meeting to agree to take a break and riverdance, well, you're living in a dream world, DirectLife Coach Jen.

I want to run something else by you, DirectlLife Coach Jen. Tell me if this statement is true or false: "This sentence is false."

If "This sentence is false" is true, then it's actually false, which would in turn mean that it's actually true, but this would mean that it is false, etc. Why do I ask you this, DirectLife Coach Jen? I know that Philips is one of the leading companies in the field of robotics, and I've been a little bit worried that I'm corresponding with a robot trainer. After all, you can't possibly coach all the people who are no doubt signing up for this activity-boosting service. So I figure this exercise will blow your robotic brain up if, indeed, you are a robot. If you're not, well, better safe than sorry, huh?

And I noticed that you skirted the sex question ("Where do you put the monitor when you don't have pockets?"). I agree... it's too soon.

Thanks for the fantastic activity monitoring!

Jack