Friday, March 4, 2011

All Bets Are Off

They say that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas; however this happened in my neighbor Art’s garage, so I guess it’s okay to talk about.

It was the end of a prolonged session of high-stakes Texas Hold ‘Em, and there were only three players still at the table.

“I bet it all,” snarled Sasparilla Slim sullenly. “Plus, I'm throwin’ in the paper to my Chevy Tahoe.”

“I’ll call,” wheezed Witchita Willie, throwing in the deed to his Harley-Davidson as well as a solid-gold ‘Ramblin' Man’ belt buckle.”

I pushed my remaining chips into the pot and started rooting around in my pocket.

“I call,” I said gruffly, tossing my Philips DirectLife activity monitor on top of the pyramid of chips. “Let's see what you’ve got.”

“Full house,” smiled Sasparilla Slim. “Aces over eights.”

“Nice hand,” grinned Witchita Willie. “Almost as nice as this one: straight club flush!”

There was a moment of anticipation in the smoke-filled room, but then my laughter filled the garage.

“Read ‘em and weep, boys,” I chuckled. “Royal flush.”

As I was raking in my winnings, Sasparilla Slim grabbed my arm.

“That's not a royal flush, dumbass,” he snarled. “You've got a three of hearts, a queen of clubs, a seven of diamonds, a Monopoly ‘Community Chest’ card and... what’s that?”

“That's a dern Jiffy Lube coupon,” grimaced Witchita Willie.

And that’s how I lost my DirectLife activity monitor… and next month’s mortage.

Check back later this afternoon for my final, 
definitive analysis of the Philips DirectLife activity monitor.


  1. How many of these have you killed so far? I'm assuming you accidentally flushed it (that's what I'm getting from reading between the lines of your story)and ruined it.
    See, Jack, this is why we can't have nice things. ;)

  2. Very creative interpretation!
    I just wanted to see a picture of Wichita Willie.



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