Toad You I'd Do it Eventually! (FrogFuel Giveaway)

This is a true story... 

One day I was hopping along from my home near the pond with my good buddy Kermit Dafraugh (who is NOT a frog… I don’t know why everybody just assumes that Kermit is a frog, but let’s just get it straight right now: he is NOT a frog).

“Man,” said Kermit wistfully. “I could sure go for a fly smoothie right now.”

“Y’know,” I barked at him. “You really need to quit eating flies; that’s why everybody thinks you’re a damn frog!”

“Sor-ree!” croaked Kermit.

Well, we came up to this ginormous pool full of cream. I know… a pool full of cream, right? Who fills a pool full of cream this time of year? It makes no sense.

“Looks creamy,” said Kermit, leaning over the edge. “Wait, is that a fly? I think I can… AHHHHHHHHH!!!”

I reached out and grabbed my buddy, but slipped and… well… we both feel headfirst into the cream. That can’t be good for your iPhone!

“Wow,” said Kermit, licking his lips. “This is even better than flies!”

“We have to get out of here,” I exclaimed. “Cream is much thicker than water; we could easily drown in here.”

“Not me,” proclaimed Kermit, confidantly. “I have really strong legs and… oh who am I kidding? I’m done for!”

With that, Kermit gave up, licked his lips one last time and slipped – glub glub glub – below the surface and drowned.

The second frog… no wait… I mean me… I was far more determined. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a packet of FrogFuel.

Frog Fuel, in case you’re wondering, is a great-tasting berry-flavored medical-grade protein shot that was actually developed by Navy Seals. Anyway, I ripped the packet of Frog Fuel open and sucked the liquid down.

Re-energized, I kicked and kicked and kicked and kicked some more. Eventually the cream turned to butter, and I jumped out of the pool, where there was a guy in a suit waiting to talk to me.

“Hey, Jack,” said Mike, the representative from FrogFuel. “Ummmm, what’s going on here?”

“Just… ummmm… trying out my new butter pool all by myself,” I replied.

“GASP,” gasped Kermit, breaking through to the edge of the pool. “CHECK OUT ALL THE FREAKIN' BUTTER!”

“I thought you drowned,” I exclaimed, pulling him out of the pool.

“I resuscitated myself,” grinned Kermit. “Who’s your buddy?”

“Oh, that’s Mike from Frog Fuel,” I answered. “I was supposed to something for him…”

“A REVIEW AND A CONTEST,” hissed Mike.

“One million stars!” I reviewed.

“Can you at least talk about The FrogFuel Performance Blog App?” asked Mike.

“Ummmmm,” I stammered.
 


“Look, everyone is looking to step up their fitness but finding the perfect protein supplement in the clutter can be tough,” said Mike, without even reading from the brochure. “FrogFuel is an advanced formulation protein that WILL take your workouts to the next level.”
 

“You know more about this stuff than I do,” I said. “Can’t you just finish this so I can shower all this butter off me?”
 


“Okay,” sighed Mike. “Here are some of the benefits:  it’s hydrolyzed for faster absorption, which means better performance and quicker recovery. It's a Pure Collagen Protein that improves skin, muscle mass and tone, increases joint flexibility and makes for healthier bones, arteries, hair, nails and eyes.
Plus it contains Taurine to help rebuild muscles faster. There are no banned substances, sugars, fats, carbs, gluten, cholesterol, lactose or excess ingredients.”

“Why don’t you explain the contest we were talking about?” I suggested.

“Man, they were right about you,” said Mike, shaking his head. “You really are the laziest blogger in the world. Okay, we asked you to host a giveaway where one lucky could win a  Frog Performance Tasting Pack which includes three FrogFuel 1 oz Protein Shots and an Elite Status FrogFuel Sticker.”

“Blah, blah, blah, blah,” I said. “Listen, just check out the FrogFuel Performance Blog App below (and don’t think I won’t know if you don’t check it out because I will know. I WILL SO KNOW!”
 






“You can also tweet with the #FrogFuel hashtag to inspire folks to take their fitness to the next level,” I added. “Or share #FrogFuel Fitspiration on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter or Tumblr to earn more chances to… okay, I’ll admit it. I’m not keeping up with all that. BUT I AM WATCHING THE BLOG APP THINGY!!!”
 


“C’mon, Jack. You’ve got to give it some kind of contest-type feature,” pleaded Mike. “Look, have your readers post their results from the ‘What is Your Fuel Level?’ quiz or maybe share their favorite workout & fitness tips.”


“No, no, no,” I grinned. “I’ve got it. Leave a comment here with what your name would be if you were a frog! I’ll pick the best response in a random drawing.”

“That doesn’t make any sen..”

“BEST RESPONSE IN A RANDOM DRAWING,” I repeated LOUDLY.

“I’d be Kermit DaFrog!” said Kermit. “Get it? Get it?”

“I’m going to look for a new job,” said Mike, walking away with his head down. 


Rules: Probably shouldn’t have let Mike get away without talking about rules. Something something U.S. residents only. Deadline… ummmmm… Saturday at midnight! No… this Saturday. I don’t know… I don’t have a calendar! Oh yeah, and I wasn’t paid for this review and giveaway opportunity except for some FrogFuel packs and A BRAND NEW CAMARO!!!!! Okay, I didn’t get a Camaro, but wouldn’t that have been cool if I did? VROOOOOM VROOOMMMMMMM So long, suckers! SCREEEEEECHHHHHH!! 
 



Haribo Gummi Bear Review and Giveaway

 

So this nice person representing Haribo contacts me and offers to send me some free gummi bears to sample and blog about, including a bunch of coupons to pass on to a few lucky readers. Goodie goodie gumdrop!

 

"What up, my gummi from anotha mummy?"

 

"Just chillaxing and gettin' ready for our big appearance on a world-famous health-and-fitness blog."

 

"Really? I thought we were to set to go on that Jack Sh*t site."

 "Whatever! Anyway, we're thinking about trying out our new Care Bear routine. Remember that old show?"

 

"Gummi Bear Countdown, 4, 3, 2, 1

Who's that comin' from over in that bag?

Makin' snacktime fun instead of a drag

Just when you think that hunger's gonna pounce.

Only eight calories apiece, according to reliable counts.

Do the Gummi Bear Countdown

We'll send some free ones, I'm happy to announce..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on here?"

 

"Oh, look who it is. The guys that THINK they're candy but aren't..."

 

"Shut up, gumass. This is a weight loss and healthy living site. What are you doing HERE?"

 

"Look, we're a reasonably healthy snack food. As our PR person would tell you, even the best fitness regimen should allow for small rewards. However, it’s important to make sure your sweets are 'sweat-approved' so you aren’t stunting your progress."

 

"You can have 11 Haribo Gold-Bears, the original tasty, fruity, chewy gummi bears, for only 75 calories, giving you enough sweet to satisfy plus energy to burn! In moderation, they can be a nice treat in an overall healthy diet."

 

"Hey, that does sound healthy!"

 

"Let's just take a look-see at your ingredients list..."

 

"Hey, this is OUR blog post! Jack got us for FREE!"

 

"So you're only 8 calories apiece, huh? How many calories for just half?"

 

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

 

"Ayyyyyyy! Run away!!!!!!"

 

"Ummmmm... this isn't how this was supposed to go..."

 

I guess you can eat some gummi bears if you want to...

 

I mean... nobody's stopping you...

x

 

But I just don't know how I feel about giving out a bunch of coupons for free ones...

 

Anyway... thanks, Haribo...

.

..but no thanks.

 

Ooooooooo... I never made coupon smoothie before. How many calories in that?

Since I promised a giveaway, I'll send one lucky commenter a free bottle of Lil' Critters Gummy Vites. There are some rules, but you're going to have to guess what they are...

Disclaimer: Haribo did not pay me for this review.

THE DAILY SCALEY

I lost almost a gummi bear's worth!

Sh*tlock Holmes and the Case of the Missing Snikiddy (plus Giveaway)

“Watson, come here I need you!”

“What is it, Sh*tlock?” said the portly assistant, rushing into the living room.

“I just realized,” smiled the master detective. “That’s exactly what Edgar Allen Poe said to his assistant when he first invented the telephone.”

“I thought Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone…”

“Don’t contradict me, man,” snapped Sh*tlock testily. “I’m attempting to solve a mystery here!”

“I apologize,” frowned the corpulent assistant. “But thank you for calling me by my God-given name instead of ‘Fatson’ like you normally do.”

“Look at this, Fatson,” remarked the remarkably handsome detective. “This is quite a condominium.”

“Do you mean ‘conundrum’, sir?”

“Good lord, Fatson,” snapped Sh*tlock. “I don’t pay you to be a grammamatarian!”

“You don’t pay me at all…”

“What do you make of this?” asked the detective, pushing a box forward.

“It appears to be a package from Snikiddy®, makers of better-for-you healthy snacks,” Watson answered.

“Yes, I surmised that from the slight residue of cheese puff powder I picked up when I opened the box,” said Sh*tlock.

“I surmised it from the return address label that reads Snikiddy®,” retorted the assistant.

“Did you notice anything else peculiar?”

“Hmmmm,” hmmmm’d Watson. “Except for a letter and some packaging materials, the box appears to be empty.”

“A mystery is afoot!” smiled the detective. “We will get to the bottom of this or my name’s not Sh*tlock Holmes.”

“Perhaps we should read the letter…”

“Oh, letters are always a bunch of blah, blah, blah,” said Sh*tlock. “It will be simpler to deduce the contents through solving a litany of near-impossible clues… such as this crinkled-up bag of All-Natural Baked Cheese Puffs!”

“But the letter says…”

“Hmmmmm… crumbs are… surprisingly delicious.”

“Look here,” interrupted Watson. “It says…”

“I can also tell from just these few crumbs that these all-natural cheese puffs are baked with real cheese and corn and contain 50% less fat than potato chips,” remarked the detective. “Also, they are gluten and wheat free, and I believe them to contain no artificial colors or preservatives, high fructose corn syrup, trans fats, hydrogenated oils or cholesterol.

“I agree,” added Watson. “Especially since that’s what it says there on the package.”

Just then, the master detective’s 13-year-old daughter Pisa walked in and asked, “Hey Dad, do we have any more of those yummy snacks that came in that box?”

“We have the culprit, Sh*tlock!” intoned Watson in an accusatory tone. “Your daughter was responsible for the missing snack products.”

“Ummmmm, Dad ate them, too,” said Pisa. “Actually, he ate most of them.”

“Sh*tlock!”

“Snikiddy, my dear Fatson.” smiled the detective.

 THE GREAT SH*TLOCK HOLMES

PERSNICKETY  SNIKIDDY® GIVEAWAY

All-Natural Cheese Puffs are baked with real cheese and corn and contain 50% less fat than potato chips. They are gluten and wheat free, without the drawbacks of other puff snacks: No artificial colors or preservatives, high fructose corn syrup, trans fats, hydrogenated oils, or cholesterol.
Available in these flavors: Grilled Cheese Puffs and Mac n’ Cheese Puffs

All-Natural Baked Fries are made with real potatoes, corn, and cheese and contain 50% less fat than regular potato chips. These snacks are gluten and wheat free, and free of artificial colors or preservatives, high fructose corn syrup, trans fats, hydrogenated oils, or cholesterol. They are baked in a nut-free facility.
Available in these flavors: Sea Salt, Cheddar Cheese, Original Seasoning, Bold Buffalo, Southwest Cheddar, Barbeque and Classic Ketchup.

Eat Your Vegetables™ are made with a unique blend including sweet potatoes, carrots, and navy beans. These snacks offer an excellent source of Vitamin A and more fiber and protein than most other snack products. And of course, these are also gluten and wheat free, cholesterol free, and free of trans fats, high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oils and preservatives.
Available in these flavors: Sea Salt, Sour Cream & Onion, Jalapeño Ranch


HERE’S HOW TO WIN:

•    Like my twitter page
•    Tweet my Facebook page
•    Flirt with my eHarmony profile
•    Give me a job through my LinkedIn profile
•    Email me your social security number


Wait, that’s crazy… nobody’s gonna like my twitter page… okay, okay… let’s try this one more time.

HERE’S HOW TO REALLY WIN:

Leave a comment telling what type of snack you'd like and (optional) what your rapper name would be if you were a rapper. And it wouldn't hurt your chances to Like Snikiddy's Facebook page and follow them on Twitter (@Snikiddy).

For more info and promotions, visit the Snikiddy® Facebook Page.

HERE'S WHAT YOU WIN:

Three (3) 4 oz. bags of Snikiddy® (Eat Your Vegetables™, All-natural Baked Fries or All-natural Cheese Puffs) and one (1) $25 grocery gift card.

Snikiddy® adheres to the FTC guidelines regarding endorsements and testimonials and expects that I will be truthful in my post and disclose in full anything that is provided by Snikiddy®. They obviously don't know me very well. 

Prizing availability for the giveaway will close one week from today (more or less). This  giveaway is only open to U.S. residents who are 18 years of age or older. I sincerely hope that this does not spark an international incident.

THE DAILY SCALEY

Scale being stubborn this week.

Rocco Winners (Probably Not You)

I haven’t done many giveaways here because I was never sure of the best way to pick winners.

On my last contest, I had the participants make up their own rules and then follow them, but some of the entrants made such self-serving “rules” that they’d be the only ones that could possibly win. The nerve!

Then I had the idea of constructing life-sized cutouts to represent each person entering the giveaway, and then settling it the way they did in ancient times: with a game of dodge ball. It was a lot of work to pick winners… but an exceptional arm workout!

But then I downloaded a random number generator app and it helped me pick the two winners of my Rocco DiSpirito/Jacko DiSh*ttio Giveaway: Brandi (A Life Change: My Journey to Happiness) and Robby (Fat Girl Vs. World). They'll each be receiving an autographed copy of Rocco's newest cookbook. Congrats, ladies!

I’m also using the random number generating app to determine how much of my mortgage payment I’m going to make and what kids’ allowances should be. There’s nothing quite like randomnoisity!

Thanks to everyone for participating, and as Rocco DiSpirito would say “Thanks to everyone for participating!”

The Rocco DiSpirito/Jacko DiSh*ttio Giveaway

I really hope that this doesn’t sound gay, but I’m hot for Rocco DiSpirito.

No, I don’t mean that I’m attracted to his roguish good looks or that I want to go out dancing with him, though he is a rather attractive man and looks to be an excellent dancer from the commercials I saw when he was on that star-dancing TV show.

No, I’m exhibiting a man-crush on Rocco because he’s helping shatter the stereotype that the only thing men can cook are dead animals charred on the grill. As a celebrity chef and cookbook author, he’s broken new ground for guys who want to show that they know their way around a kitchen. I’d have done it myself, but I can’t find a publisher interested in my proposed cookbook Dishes Too Spicy for Your Family.

In his new book Now Eat This!, Chef Rocco has created a ton of low-calorie versions of favorite recipes, including Chocolate Mousse (originally 455 calories, now down to 145),  Jalapeno Poppers at only 144 calories (vs. the original at 447), Loaded Nachos (down from 880 calories to 341) and Buffalo & Blue Chicken Tenders (at a fourth of their original calorie count).

That’s why I went out of my way to track down Rocco and see if he and I could do a little something-something over here. After all, we’re both celebrities. He’s a celebrity because he’s been on TV and written best-selling cookbooks; I’m a celebrity because I have a warped sense of reality.

Actually, Rocco’s PR team got hold of me and were interested in me running a contest where I gave a couple of lucky readers signed copies of his newest cookbook, which showcases 150 options for eating favorite no-no foods the healthy way. As an added bonus, he even includes healthy tips and ingredient substitutions that will keep you on track towards your healthy living goals.

The only mandatories were that I had to make the contest last a week, had to discriminate against everyone not living in the United States of America and couldn’t reveal that Rocco DiSpirito’s real name is Howard Higgenbottom.



Winning your own signed copy of Now Eat This! signed by Chef Rocco DiSpirito himself couldn’t be easier; simply leave a comment on this post or tweet me (and include “Rocco”) at @JackSht. But you’ve got to do it before Tuesday, February 8th. I’ll pick 2 winners (U.S. Residents only, sorry) to receive the book and announce them a week from today.

If you don’t win the cookbook, rest easy because Rocco shares healthy tips and recipes from both his Twitter account and his Facebook page. It’s like having a celebrity chef cheering you on towards your healthier self!

So enter now and eat the healthy 

Rocco DiSpirito/Jacko DiSh*ttio way!

Sh*tty Sh*tty Pop Chip (with Givewaway!)

Sh*tJactacus: 

Don’t put your lips on some greasy-ass chips,
Don’t eat those Ruffles or Cheetos.
If you seek a better snack, listen to your buddy Jack,
And put aside the Pringles and Fritos.
A mouth full of crunch.
Something excellent to munch.
Enjoy it with your lunch!


Pop Chips!

Pop Chips!
The chips that aren’t fried, best you ever tried.

Pop Chips!

Pop Chips!
The eatable, tweetable chips!



Truly Scrumptious: 

Pop Chips!

Pop Chips!
Their fantastic chips, see, all tasty and crispy!
Pop Chips!

Pop Chips!
No longer need chips be crap!



Sh*tJactacus:

 Don't waste your salaries on chips fulla calories

.

Truly: 

So be smart and try to always copy us!
If you seek perfection in your snack selection,



Sh*tJactacus: 

Well, choose the chips that are the poppiest!



Truly:
That mouth full of sassiness.

Sh*tJactacus:
The chip that brings happiness.



Both: 

That low-fat foodstuff supreme!

Pop Chips!

Pop Chips!
A nice crispy crackle, ingredients all-natural.
Pop Chips!

Pop Chips!
I think I’ll eat a whole sackful.



Mr. Scrumptious: 

No--take them away!



Truly: 
Father, please!

Mr. Scrumptious: 
Crunch! Hmm-Hmm. Crunch!

Sh*tJactacus:
He likes it!



Cast: 
Hooray!



Sh*tJactacus: 

They’ll ease your starvation

.

Truly: 

Without fat saturation.



Kids: 

They’re the best kind of chips you can munch

.

Sh*tJactacus:
Eat ‘em Sundays through Saturdays.



Truly: 

They have way less calories!



Kids: 

And flavors? Well, they sure have a bunch!



Sh*tJactacus and Truly: 

There’s no chips that are similar

.

Women: 
We love Salt and Vinegar!



Kids and factory workers: 

It’s time to give them a crunch!

(Dance break)



All: 

Pop Chips!
Pop Chips!

Pop Chips!
Pop Chips!



Sh*tJactacus:

That savory snack

!

Truly: 

Just listen to Jack

!

All: 

And put them into your lunch sack!


Pop Chips!
Pop Chips!
They’re awesome and then some, just comment to win some!
Pop Chips!

Pop Chips!

The treat that's so tweetable (@popchips) 
deliciously eatable,
with that unbeatable crunch!

It's a Miracle for Hanukkah...

...I've giving a EatSmart scale to Monica!

She won a free scale, courtesy of my friends at EatSmart. 

Thanks to everyone who participated in my contest.

Monica, come claim your prize!

"This Scale Was Meant For Weighin'" Giveaway

 

The people at EatSmart sent something to me.

A brand new digital scale for me to review.
I’ve been weighin’ more than I’ve usually been a weighin’,
And that’s why I’m in such a horrible mood.

This scale was made for weighing, and that’s just what it’ll do
.
Unfortunately it said my weight was two hundred twenty-two.

I keep gaining, when I oughta be losin’,
But I guess that ain’t this fancy new scale’s fault
.
It’s got EatSmart “Step-On™” technology,
But that won’t bring this gainin’ to a halt.

This scale was made for weighing, and that’s just what it’ll do
.
If it had given me a loss, this’d be a much better review.

A high-quality tempered glass platform,
With workmanship that's undisputed.
Just step on for an instant measurement.
(The batteries are even included!)

This scale was made for weighing, and that’s just what it’ll do.

If you’d like to win one, well I'd like to give one to you...

• 
Leave a comment on this post
• Follow EatSmart on Twitter @EatSmartScales 
• LIKE EatSmart Products on Facebook 
  
  
  
  Wait! There's more! Click here to enter a giveaway for a free EatSmart kitchen scale (it weighs your food, not your kitchen, dumbass!). What can I say? It's the season of giving...

Winners, Winners Everywhere!

If you missed my Cheesy Giveaway post the other day, I can't begin to tell you how much you suck.

Besides sucking, you missed out on the chance to win free cheese coupons by simply giving yourself a cheese-inspired name like these folks did...

Untypically Brie(a) (Untipically Jia)
VelVEEta (Vee Getting Healthy)
Colby “Jack” (Colby)
Roxiefort (Roxie)
Angela P-Edam (Angela Pea)
Liver alone Cheese a Terra (Terra)
Outdoor MOMzerella (Outdoor Mom)
John is Feta (John is Fit)



Winners, contact me with your address and I'll send your cheese coupon out to you via ChedEx (that's a pretty weak joke, but I'll do cheddar next time).

Speaking of prizes, I'm still trying to track down the winner of my DirectLife activity monitor giveaway. I'm looking for the "Jessica" that left this comment:

Dear Directlife Junior Market Intelligence Analyst Antonio Galvan Puente-
I am a nurse. Let me clarify I am a fat emergency room nurse. Do you know how hard it is to help someone change their life when they are looking at you thinking "Yeah I'll quit smoking those cigs when you lose some weight tubby". Plus I don't get to pee during my 12 hour shift let alone figure out how much physical activity I am doing. I know lots of nurses secretly wonder how many calories we are burning giving shots in the butt. Just think not only would you be helping me but maybe hundreds no thousands of people. They will look at at that healthy fit nurse giving them discharge instructions and think "Maybe if she can do it so can I". 

Thanks to everyone who participated in both giveaways, and special thanks to the marketing professionals who got fired for sending me stuff to do giveaway posts. Your sacrifice has not been in vain (well, yeah, it pretty much was, come to think of it...)

Cheese Are The Days, My Friend