Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Toad You I'd Do it Eventually! (FrogFuel Giveaway)
One day I was hopping along from my home near the pond with my good buddy Kermit Dafraugh (who is NOT a frog… I don’t know why everybody just assumes that Kermit is a frog, but let’s just get it straight right now: he is NOT a frog).
“Man,” said Kermit wistfully. “I could sure go for a fly smoothie right now.”
“Y’know,” I barked at him. “You really need to quit eating flies; that’s why everybody thinks you’re a damn frog!”
“Sor-ree!” croaked Kermit.
Well, we came up to this ginormous pool full of cream. I know… a pool full of cream, right? Who fills a pool full of cream this time of year? It makes no sense.
“Looks creamy,” said Kermit, leaning over the edge. “Wait, is that a fly? I think I can… AHHHHHHHHH!!!”
I reached out and grabbed my buddy, but slipped and… well… we both feel headfirst into the cream. That can’t be good for your iPhone!
“Wow,” said Kermit, licking his lips. “This is even better than flies!”
“We have to get out of here,” I exclaimed. “Cream is much thicker than water; we could easily drown in here.”
“Not me,” proclaimed Kermit, confidantly. “I have really strong legs and… oh who am I kidding? I’m done for!”
With that, Kermit gave up, licked his lips one last time and slipped – glub glub glub – below the surface and drowned.
The second frog… no wait… I mean me… I was far more determined. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a packet of FrogFuel.
Frog Fuel, in case you’re wondering, is a great-tasting berry-flavored medical-grade protein shot that was actually developed by Navy Seals. Anyway, I ripped the packet of Frog Fuel open and sucked the liquid down.
Re-energized, I kicked and kicked and kicked and kicked some more. Eventually the cream turned to butter, and I jumped out of the pool, where there was a guy in a suit waiting to talk to me.
“Hey, Jack,” said Mike, the representative from FrogFuel. “Ummmm, what’s going on here?”
“Just… ummmm… trying out my new butter pool all by myself,” I replied.
“GASP,” gasped Kermit, breaking through to the edge of the pool. “CHECK OUT ALL THE FREAKIN' BUTTER!”
“I thought you drowned,” I exclaimed, pulling him out of the pool.
“I resuscitated myself,” grinned Kermit. “Who’s your buddy?”
“Oh, that’s Mike from Frog Fuel,” I answered. “I was supposed to something for him…”
“A REVIEW AND A CONTEST,” hissed Mike.
“One million stars!” I reviewed.
“Can you at least talk about The FrogFuel Performance Blog App?” asked Mike.
“Ummmmm,” I stammered.
“Look, everyone is looking to step up their fitness but finding the perfect protein supplement in the clutter can be tough,” said Mike, without even reading from the brochure. “FrogFuel is an advanced formulation protein that WILL take your workouts to the next level.”
“You know more about this stuff than I do,” I said. “Can’t you just finish this so I can shower all this butter off me?”
“Okay,” sighed Mike. “Here are some of the benefits: it’s hydrolyzed for faster absorption, which means better performance and quicker recovery. It's a Pure Collagen Protein that improves skin, muscle mass and tone, increases joint flexibility and makes for healthier bones, arteries, hair, nails and eyes. Plus it contains Taurine to help rebuild muscles faster. There are no banned substances, sugars, fats, carbs, gluten, cholesterol, lactose or excess ingredients.”
“Why don’t you explain the contest we were talking about?” I suggested.
“Man, they were right about you,” said Mike, shaking his head. “You really are the laziest blogger in the world. Okay, we asked you to host a giveaway where one lucky could win a Frog Performance Tasting Pack which includes three FrogFuel 1 oz Protein Shots and an Elite Status FrogFuel Sticker.”
“Blah, blah, blah, blah,” I said. “Listen, just check out the FrogFuel Performance Blog App below (and don’t think I won’t know if you don’t check it out because I will know. I WILL SO KNOW!”
“You can also tweet with the #FrogFuel hashtag to inspire folks to take their fitness to the next level,” I added. “Or share #FrogFuel Fitspiration on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter or Tumblr to earn more chances to… okay, I’ll admit it. I’m not keeping up with all that. BUT I AM WATCHING THE BLOG APP THINGY!!!”
“C’mon, Jack. You’ve got to give it some kind of contest-type feature,” pleaded Mike. “Look, have your readers post their results from the ‘What is Your Fuel Level?’ quiz or maybe share their favorite workout & fitness tips.”
“No, no, no,” I grinned. “I’ve got it. Leave a comment here with what your name would be if you were a frog! I’ll pick the best response in a random drawing.”
“That doesn’t make any sen..”
“BEST RESPONSE IN A RANDOM DRAWING,” I repeated LOUDLY.
“I’d be Kermit DaFrog!” said Kermit. “Get it? Get it?”
“I’m going to look for a new job,” said Mike, walking away with his head down.
Rules: Probably shouldn’t have let Mike get away without talking about rules. Something something U.S. residents only. Deadline… ummmmm… Saturday at midnight! No… this Saturday. I don’t know… I don’t have a calendar! Oh yeah, and I wasn’t paid for this review and giveaway opportunity except for some FrogFuel packs and A BRAND NEW CAMARO!!!!! Okay, I didn’t get a Camaro, but wouldn’t that have been cool if I did? VROOOOOM VROOOMMMMMMM So long, suckers! SCREEEEEECHHHHHH!!