Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Jack and Coke (and BlogHer)
Jack: Yeah, a “Me and Coke”.
Bartender: Ha! You oughta talk to that dude over there; he ordered a “Jack and Me.”
Jack: Hey, buddy. You look familiar. Are you… are you Coca-Cola?
Coke: Just call me “Coke.”
Jack: You look down in the dumps, Coke. Did you just get canned?
Coke: Ha ha.
Jack: Lemme guess: woman problems?
Coke: More like “women” problems.
Jack: Tell me about it. Just this morning, I yelled at my wife Anita to hurry up and iron my shirts. Well, the next thing I know, she’s in the car tearing out down the driveway...
Jack: My first thought was that she was rushing to the store to get spray starch, but it’s been hours…
Coke: Well, my problem is that I was recently named the “wellness” sponsor for BlogHer 2013.
Jack: Hey, isn’t that the annual conference that celebrates the best in health, family, entertainment, sex, DIY and political blogging by and for women?
Coke: Right, well, I agreed to host the Steps to Wellness challenge and campaign at the conference, and now everybody’s more agitated than a shook-up Sprite.
Jack: I’ll bet.
Coke: What do they want? I’m giving out free pedometers to everybody that attends BlogHer!
Jack: They can use ‘em to measure the 40 minutes it takes to burn off a can of soda.
Coke: Forty minutes? That’s nothing!
Jack: Did you guys really do a commercial in the UK that suggested that all the calories in a can of Coke could be burned by laughing for 75 seconds?
Coke: I still believe that!
Jack: Why didn’t you just say that reading one of my blog posts would burn those calories?
Coke: Laughing, Jack. I said laughing.
Jack: Y’know, I read somewhere that Americans ingest 1.7 million tons -- or 10.8 pounds per person -- of sugar each year from Coca-Cola alone.
Coke: Yeah, well…
Jack: And a couple of months back, I saw that a 31-year-old New Zealand woman’s death was ruled in part because of an addiction to soda. The coroner noted that that the sugar and caffeine she got by drinking more than 2.6 gallons of Coca-Cola Classic per day was "a substantial factor" in what happened.
Coke: Well, we don’t recommend drinking more than two gallons a day.
Jack: I think that what folks are getting upset about is that you don't really have any business being a "wellness" sponsor for anybody...
Coke: Y’know, you make me sound unhealthier than I actually is. After all, I'm the freakin' wellness sponsor for BlogHer, dammit!
Jack: Hey, hey... don’t blow your top.
Coke: It’s just that I’m spending a lot of money and it doesn’t feel like I’m appreciated very much.
Jack: Well, maybe you just paid to learn a valuable lesson: you shouldn’t try to be something you’re not.
Coke: Hmmmm... that's something to think about. Thanks for the advice, Jack. Now you better go home and patch things up with your woman.
Jack: Yeah, maybe I’ll stop and get her a present.
Coke: Hey, Jack…
Coke: You’re not gonna get her a new iron, are you?