Wednesday, January 12, 2011
How to Gain 60 Pounds in Six Months
It’s really not as difficult as you might think. As a matter of fact, if you pay attention and do what I say, it’s “belly” easy (that’s a little weight-gaining humor right there, no extra charge).
Follow these guidelines and you’ll be packing on the poundage in no time “flab” (dammit… that was almost some more weight-gaining humor, but it didn’t quite get there).
The Show Must Go On. Make a firm commitment to watching four to five hours of television per night. And if you’ve DVR’d your favorite shows, don’t whiz through the commercials; just sit there and watch every minute.
Get Busy and Get Fizzy. Colas are an excellent source of quick, empty calories. Try to work in six or seven per day and you’ll easy surpass your daily caloric goals.
Looking for a Few Good Menus. Take a tip from me: eat out most meals and you’ll make sure you’re getting the fat, sugar and sodium you need to expand your waistline.
Be Primarily Sedentary. A sedentary lifestyle is absolutely necessary in order for you to reach your weight-gaining mission. Find small ways – park in handicapped spaces, drive the little cart at the store, take the elevator – to avoid unnecessary exercise. It's a little less work, but it's worth it!
Be Possessed with Processed. Processed foods are a key component to keeping the weight you’ve got and adding to it. Shop in the middle of the store for all the mixes and convenience foods that will help you gain without pain.
That's Why God Made Cupholders. If you’re serious about packing on pounds, you need to find extra time during the day to get in some unhealthy snacks. Texting while driving? Dangerous. Eating while driving? Delicious!
Thanks a Latte. Starbucks and other coffee-making chains have engineered innovative ways to pack tons of calories into perfectly innocent-looking drinks. They’re expensive… but if you want to gain weight, these babies are better than your run-of-the-mill snacks.
That’s it! Follow these tips and you’ll be tipping the scale even heavier in no time at all.
Of course, if you’d rather lose 60 pounds in six months, just do the opposite of all this…