Wednesday, January 12, 2011

How to Gain 60 Pounds in Six Months

So you want to gain 100 pounds over the next six months.

It’s really not as difficult as you might think. As a matter of fact, if you pay attention and do what I say, it’s “belly” easy (that’s a little weight-gaining humor right there, no extra charge).

Follow these guidelines and you’ll be packing on the poundage in no time “flab” (dammit… that was almost some more weight-gaining humor, but it didn’t quite get there).

The Show Must Go On.
Make a firm commitment to watching four to five hours of television per night. And if you’ve DVR’d your favorite shows, don’t whiz through the commercials; just sit there and watch every minute.

Get Busy and Get Fizzy. Colas are an excellent source of quick, empty calories. Try to work in six or seven per day and you’ll easy surpass your daily caloric goals.

Looking for a Few Good Menus. Take a tip from me: eat out most meals and you’ll make sure you’re getting the fat, sugar and sodium you need to expand your waistline.

Be Primarily Sedentary.
A sedentary lifestyle is absolutely necessary in order for you to reach your weight-gaining mission. Find small ways – park in handicapped spaces, drive the little cart at the store, take the elevator – to avoid unnecessary exercise. It's a little less work, but it's worth it!

Be Possessed with Processed.
Processed foods are a key component to keeping the weight you’ve got and adding to it. Shop in the middle of the store for all the mixes and convenience foods that will help you gain without pain.

That's Why God Made Cupholders.
If you’re serious about packing on pounds, you need to find extra time during the day to get in some unhealthy snacks. Texting while driving? Dangerous. Eating while driving? Delicious!

Thanks a Latte. Starbucks and other coffee-making chains have engineered innovative ways to pack tons of calories into perfectly innocent-looking drinks. They’re expensive… but if you want to gain weight, these babies are better than your run-of-the-mill snacks.

That’s it! Follow these tips and you’ll be tipping the scale even heavier in no time at all.

Of course, if you’d rather lose 60 pounds in six months, just do the opposite of all this…

Enhanced by Zemanta

17 comments:

  1. You forgot my best tip - snack mindlessly on salted nuts by the handful all evening whilst blogging....

    Happy New Year to you Jack...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for the smile - need that today. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hmmm, what If I only want to lose 40? hee hee. Great post. You're so creative.

    ReplyDelete
  4. LOL! I have totally done this! LOL!!!!

    NOW! To lose it all! Boo-ya!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Very true!! It all comes down to choices.

    ReplyDelete
  6. No mention of gravy anywhere? Hmmm...

    ReplyDelete
  7. This made me chuckle: "Texting while driving? Dangerous. Eating while driving? Delicious!"
    And how about during the 4 or 5 hours of TV, use one of those double beer can helmet thingees to suck down some milkshakes? Maybe I could gain 70 lbs! Aaacckkkk!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dang. You just described my last THREE YEARS. That's a lot of unhealthy living to undo...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Erm...Is it awful to say that that sounds fabulous? Minus the gaining weight/lack of energy part...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Stringing together the words "flab" and "dammit" is kind of like weight loss humor.

    Oh, you forgot my favorite weight gain tip: Eat at least 3 scoops of ice cream before bed each night. Works like a charm!!

    Thanks Jack!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. You are my hero. Here I was wondering how I would ever be able to get big enough to smash the small child who keeps screaming next door, and here it is...the answer. This must be fate.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Fun, entertaining post!!! Thanks Jack!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Yes indeed. As an addendum to the Processed Foods section, load up on "fat-free" cookies and other low-fat, high sugar snacks. (And hey, cola is "fat free" too.)

    Greetings from a lurker. I appreciate your blog.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I work with someone and he NEVER eats FOOD, but he has 2-3 LARGE Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino's every day.... he is my office "food pusher" ... sheesh...

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails