Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Moving On Up

“My name is Dr. Geoff Rutledge, and I am delighted to invite you to join Wellsphere's HealthBlogger Network, the world's premier network of health writers, which now includes over 2,000 of the Web's leading health bloggers! We reviewed your blog, and based on the high quality of your writing, the frequency of your posts, and your passion for helping others, we think you would be a great addition to the Network. It is easy and free to join the HealthBlogger Network, all you have to do is reply to this message and let us know you would like to participate.”

The email, which I received yesterday, went on and on with a bunch of details regarding this incredible blogging deal, and the whole thing looks pretty sugar-sweet, so I’m going for it. Here’s my reply:

Dear Doctor Geoff,

As the kids say: “OMG!”

I was surprised, delighted, overwhelmed, amazed, enchanted, jubilant and made slightly woozy by your offer to bring Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit into the Wellsphere’s HealthBlogger Network. Was it my love letter to my skinny jeans that did the trick? The fitness center conversation starters? Confush*t says? No matter; all I can say is that it is quite an honor, and I promise to be the HealthBloggiest HealthBlogger that ever HealthBlogged!

However, in the spirit of openness and complete honesty, I do feel compelled to inform you that I was never actually awarded the “Really Sh*tty Weight Loss Blog” award that is displayed on my blog. As hard to believe as this may be, I made that award up in order to make myself more attractive to your organization.

If you still want JSGF after that startling revelation, I just have a few questions that will need to be answered before I’m ready to sign on…

  1. Will being a part of the Wellsphere’s HealthBlogger network allow me to call myself “Doctor”? Will I be able to write prescriptions?
  2. You say you have 5 million monthly visitors. Well, according to my records, I also have 5 million monthly visitors. If they’re all different people, that’s all well and good, but what if they’re all the same folks? Shouldn’t we check this out before hopping in bed with one another?
  3. Occasionally, I will give extremely bad weight loss advice, such as “Make sure you drink at least a quart of YooHoo each day” or “There's no appetite suppressant quite as effective as bacon.” Will I need to run these kinds of tips past a panel of your health experts from now on?
  4. Will my morbid fascination with taffy disqualify me from participating?
  5. What if I write a parody that parodies another better-known parody?
  6. How does this affect my other blogs, including (but not limited to) Learn to Knit with Jack Sh*t, Whittle a Bit with Jack Sh*t, and Jack Sh*t’s Guide to Go-Go Boot Collecting?
  7. Will you help me figure out a way to add a feature that will make viewers’ computers freeze up if they leave a negative comment?
  8. If this venture is a huge success and we develop a “Jack Sh*t” action figure, can we please make certain that he’s not hung like Ken?
  9. Do I get a free t-shirt for joining like I did at the gym?
  10. Is there any possibility of changing the name to the “Wellsh*t HealthBlogger Network”? That’s not a deal-breaker, but you’ve got to admit that it does have a nice ring to it.

Again, thanks so much for considering JSGF for inclusion in Wellsphere’s HealthBlogger Network. Together, we’re going to make people so healthy they can’t stand it!

Respectfully yours,


Jack Sh*t
Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit

I really feel like this association with the HealthBlogger network is going to give my blog the credibility that it has thus far been lacking. I'll keep you posted on the progress...

45 comments:

  1. oh.my.word.

    Jack. you are just too too much.

    ...i want a link to the gogo boots blog. :)

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  2. My gym didn't give me a T-shirt :(

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  3. HYSTERICAL!

    I think Id buy the action figure...gotta support my fellow bloggers!

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  4. If I had known about the t-shirt I would have joined a gym!
    Strangely intrigued by the thought of a Jack Sh*t action figure though.

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  5. Hilarious! I always felt bad for poor Ken and his flat junk.

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  6. You should've made Wellsh*t a deal breaker, Jack! They totally would've given it to you.

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  7. Jack: The response from your new partner should be interesting. They don't know what they're in for. They just know your blog kicks butt.

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  8. "There's no appetite suppressant quite as effective as bacon" bwahahaha...

    Sad, but true. :-)

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  9. That's too fucking funny, thanks for the early morning giggle!

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  10. Damn. And I as hoping to get the "Really Sh*tty Weight Loss Blog Award"! It was my dream!

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  11. I am not exactly too sure how to interpret "not hung like ken". In your opinion, ken is hung?! And you don't want a hung package like his on your action figure? or was that making fun of Ken's tiny weewee that pretty much has no distinguishing features?

    Def have gotta share that go go boots link! ;-)

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  12. So my award is bogus?

    Well played sir.

    And good job kicking my ass this week, I now hate you more.

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  13. Congrats! I can't wait to see Wellsphere's reaction to the bacon post.... :D

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  14. LOL. The Hung like Ken comment almost had me spitting coffee all over my keyboard.

    Grats Jack.. you da man!

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  15. Good to be up front, so to speak, about the possible action figure.

    Best post so far.

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  16. You are brilliant!


    If this venture is a huge success and we develop a “Jack Sh*t” action figure, can we please make certain that he’s not hung like Ken?

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  17. Simply hilarious.
    Another snort out louder...

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  18. My gym didn't give me a damned t-shirt! What a rip off!

    Anyway... congrats! I see your blog is still as funny as ever!

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  19. Hey Doc, can you take a look at this boil on my butt?

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  20. Ken isn't hung....he's creepy smooth.

    Laughing is SO GOOD!

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  21. Hey Doc! Can I get a prescription for something that causes a weird craving for cauliflower.

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  22. Funny post, I signed up with Wellsphere awhile back but I've been a slacker with them. I'm sure you'll be a much better addition Dr. Jack Sh*t lol.

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  23. Dude....you should totally make that Wellsh*t thing a deal breaker. :)

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  24. Dear Jack Sh*t,

    You are now apparently Big Sh*t.
    Whatever happens, please don't forget us, the little sh*ts.

    Congratulations.

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  25. I just don't know how you keep doing it!!! So friggin funny! Are you a writer? your day job? Did I miss that somewhere on your blog since I am fairly new here. Whether you are being funny or not, such a pleasure to read!!!!!

    Hey, I joined my gym back in 1982 & no shirt then. Don't you think they should stop my monthly dues after all these years & make me an honorary member! I am practically their first member!!

    Thx for the big ole laugh!

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  26. where do you get your comedy material??? :)

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  27. I always come here when I need a laugh. I've not been let down yet! Thanks!

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  28. Seriously...have you ever considered publishing a book on this stuff? You are a hilarious writer! By the way, almost fell off the chair laughing when I read your skinny jeans post!

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  29. You had me giggling into my hands (hubby is sleeping!). Very funny post!

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  30. I still haven't found the link for the Learn to Knit with JackSh*t :D

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  31. Hahahahha. You'd better update us on his response!

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  32. Haha I got that same email from Wellsphere or whatever last week!

    Love your response!

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  33. Its your professionalism that I respecht!

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  34. They will get $$ from your clicks. . . so you should get some money. If you have strong feelings about what kind of ads run against your blog you might want to check that out too. And don't give away your rights to your content. . .(I work for a Wellsphere competitor. . .THE competitor).

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  35. I was doing the same as Hanlie--but woke him up anyhow! Well deserved, Mr. Sh*t!!

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  36. Give it to em hard is what I say. Make em love it or regret it...lol. I think your blog will be the biggest and best and most healthfully healthful health blog on their health blog roll. mmmmmm....rolls.

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  37. I am crying on this one!!!!!!

    Dr. Rutledge emails me as well. He calls me Jared!

    I told him to stop emailing me and my name is Poppy Love!!!

    He then sent me the same email starting off as "Dear Poppy"

    I wish I made that up, but it is true.

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  38. You're killin' me... I really enjoy reading your blog. Thanks for the laugh. I hope you really sent that to them.

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  39. LOL LOL LOL I want the Whittle a bit with Jack Sh*t, maybe that's what happened to Ken's 'package'. Great post, JS

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  40. Very cool! Maybe you will get a t-shirt! ;)

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  41. the skinny jeans post was a joke? and ken is not hung?

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  42. ah Jack..you always manage to make my day.

    thank you!
    xo

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