Tuesday, August 11, 2009

A Threat to My Future Self

Hello Future Self,

This may sound like a hollow threat, since I’m technically you at an earlier point in your life, but listen to me and listen good: if you f*ck up this nice loss I’ve managed to provide for you, I will hunt you down and I will kill you.

Just how will I accomplish such a seemingly impossible task, you ask. Look here, you older, more jaded version of myself with your fancy cell phone the size of my thumbnail. I have faced insurmountable odds before and managed to get the job done. Remember way back, when you used to swill coffee all morning and diet sodas all afternoon? I was the one that shut that sh*t down. I was the one who brought all this eating-too-much and exercising-too-little business to a crashing halt. I did it.

Not you. Me.

I don’t really know what Future Me is up to these days, but Right Now Me has lost 60 lbs. and has made some pretty tremendous changes in his life. If I were you (and let’s not get into that old argument about whether or not I “am” you… let’s just agree to disagree, shall we?), I wouldn’t bet against me accomplishing anything I set my mind to.

Which gets me back to my threat. I know you, Future Me. You have a bad history of taking the hard work of those who have come before you and squandering it for no apparent rhyme or reason. I can name at least three occasions where a Past Me has lost a tremendous amount of weight only to have one of your brothers (the Future Me’s) thoughtlessly gain it right back.

Not this time. I repeat: NOT. THIS. TIME.

Here’s the thing, Future Me. Every time you do that… every time you gain the weight back, you make it that much harder for the Next Me to do anything about it. You make it hard to care about the Future Me’s, since they have so little regard for the Future “Future Me’s.”

I have done the heavy lifting, my future-dwelling friend. I have packed up and left Obese City, and I’m passing on to you all the tools you’ll ever need to continue on with the good work I’ve started. I want you to read this letter regularly, because it’s vitally important that you’re aware of what’s at stake… and just what the consequences are.

Your life is on the line, brother. Gain the pounds back and it won’t be your body that kills you.

It’ll be me.


Speaking of time-travel: it’s time for me to travel. Me, Anita and Pisa are taking our show on the road to St. Louis. Pisa wants to visit the Arch but I want to go see that giant thing that looks like an upside down “U”; we’ll see who wins…

Through the magic of internet magic, I’ll still have a post up everyday, but I probably shan’t be commenting and may be spotty on the email. I’ll be too busy having fun, worrying about the work piling up on my desk and trying not to indulge say “Ah, what the hell?” more than a couple of times.

34 comments:

  1. Have a great vacation! Eat lots of pickles!

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  2. Man, I didn't know you've lost a lot of weight before and gained it back- I hope this time Future you listens and listens good!

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  3. Very nice letter. Cards game in the cards?

    My best
    Sean

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  4. my biggest fear brought to life: regaining the weight. thanks Jack for another great post. have fun in st. louis--I'm sure it'll be great showing off all the new clothes you picked up from goodwill.

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  5. Clever post today! Good job on leaving OBESE CITY behind! ( I made it onto overweight island recently too! HAHA! ) Have a fun vacation!! :)

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  6. No Cards in the cards (not a big baseball fan), but lots of museums (I've heard awesome things about City Museum) and galleries and hikes and whatnot.

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  7. Great job giving yourself a serious talking to. Have fun in overweight island, and visiting the giant upside down U, or the Arch, whichever you end up viewing!

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  8. Way to tell you just what you think, I think.

    Great post! Have a good time at that upside down U thing.

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  9. Great letter. I would totally write that to myself. I totally have the fear that I'm going to gain all of the weight back. It's like all the statistics are against us. I'm, however, determined not too. I'm going to/giving it my best shot.

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  10. Haha. Future you got it, didn't he?

    Have fun in St. Louis!

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  11. Future Me hasn't gotten it yet, but he better! He doens't want to make me mad...

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  12. Great Blog Jack! Hope you have a fantastic vacation! As I am afraid of heights, I wish you well on that whole upside down "U" thing. (((shudder))).
    Also, be careful about traveling to the future to kick future selfs b*tt...you may cause a whole paradox by screwing with the space, time, continuum!!! Just thought I'd throw that in there....you know...just incase all this ends up never actually happening...

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  13. Right effing on, bro. I've lost HUGE twice in my life - 100+ plus each time - and the Future Me thought he was too smart to let it slip away and convinced me to pay attention to his lies. Watch out for that a**hole - he's pompous, he's a trickster and he's a thief. This post is a masterpiece. Be proud and thanks for sharing.

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  14. I would have tagged a PS on the bottom asking for next week's lottery numbers.

    Have a great holiday, I think you will have to be kind to your daughter and visit the Arch, the U will have to wait until another time.

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  15. Mr Sh*t,
    Have a fabulous time on your vacation!

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  16. Good letter to the future You! Do you ever wonder if you will be able to read this post again, 10 years down the road? That'd be interesting! I love your determination. Share????

    Have a wonderful vacation to St louis!

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  17. good idea to future pace, and law down the law. Great NLP technique- very cool, and even better, very likely to work!

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  18. Now THERE'S the Jack I know. Glad you're back. :) Love that ass-kickin' letter! Have a super duper time staring at the upside down "U". :)

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  19. You and future Jack have a great time.

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  20. I had this thought just yesterday! When I reach my goal of losing 200 lbs....I dont want to gain it back, I want to stay healthy the rest of my life! Thanks for the post, it made me laugh, but it also brought it home.
    Have a great vacation!!

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  21. CONGRATS & I love your post! No going back!!!! That is the way to think. I know you will not let those mean old self break your resolve!

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  22. Great post! It made me think of one I read on MizFit's blog about celebrating and remembering past successes as a way to keep you there and know what you can accomplish. Have fun traveling!

    Angie

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  23. Too bad you can't go back and knock h*ll outta past self so that he would have worked some too!

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  24. Have a great time...stay away from the junk food on the trip! Your future me won't like that!

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  25. This part cracked me up: "..and let’s not get into that old argument...". Have a safe and fun trip!

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  26. This is a great post! Glad you all had that conversation...

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  27. I seriously wish I had threatened my future self maybe I wouldn't have regained back the +60lbs I lost...gah!

    Great post, lol.

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  28. Awesome post, Jack! Could I hire you to threaten the future ME like that and kick her *ss if she gains back the 110+ the current me has lost. I'd really like her to lose another 90 or so, too, so maybe you could strong-arm her into doing that while you're at it.

    You crack me up--I need that so much right now. Thanks.

    Have a fun trip!

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  29. Jack, you inspired a huge post out of me. Come read, if you want! :)

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  30. I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to

    say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


    Susan

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