Monday, August 3, 2009

My *Perfect* Month

Thinking about it, I really do believe I could have extended my *perfect* week and built up a *perfect* month pretty easily. I could keep losing 7 or 8 pounds a week. I could really do it. I just need a few things to happen…
  • The elevator at work must break down and I must forget which floor I work on so I spend a half hour or so going up and down stairs looking for my office.
  • I must get a wild, insatiable craving for lettuce.
  • President Obama must bring back Prohibition for a one-month trial.
  • All bread products in my house must spontaneously become caked in unsightly mold (even ones in the freezer).
  • I must make a new best friend who just happens to be a personal chef, whose apartment building has just burned down so he needs a place to crash while he works on testing his new line of low-fat recipes.
  • When I’m out jogging, a pack of mean, nearly rabid dogs must chase me, but they can only run slightly slower than I can and they must give up and go home a block from my house.
  • I must contract that disease where you kind of zone out on the treadmill and go a really long time without realizing it and you kind of wake up and go “Whoa, wha' happened?”
  • I must start “sleep-jogging.”
  • I must develop a severe allergy to taffy.
  • Elliptical machine at the gym must go berserk and do crazy hour-long bucking in which I can’t get off, and my shrieky cries for help must go unnoticed by the other gym patrons.
  • Spa must call and say they’ve just drawn my business card out of the fishbowl and that I’ve won free massages for a month.
  • My regular personal trainer must go out on maternity leave and I get stuck with the really mean one that has the Hitler mustache. Oh, I hate her! Oh yeah, and my personal trainer must get pregnant.
  • I must go in for emergency appendectomy and doctor must misread the chart and accidentally go to town with the lipo machine.
  • While shaving, I must accidentally slice part of my cheek off (and then have to slice off the other side to even things up).
  • I must be chosen to be a month-long test-driver for the new Chevy Grunt, the first automobile that runs on Bowflex technology.

36 comments:

  1. I must have an unfortunate run in with office supplies resulting in having my stomach and my lips stapled. It could happen.

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  2. Giggling burns calories.

    Thanks!

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  3. About the shaving of the cheek....I hope you're not referring to the butt cheek?

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  4. The price of sugar and (vegetable) oil as a commodity must also soar sky high, thereby outpricing me from the marketplace for all things bad for me. It could happen!

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  5. I don't see how the massages will help you lose weight so I will just take those off your hands. Hitler mustache!?! The sight of that will make your heart race, and that alone will burn calories. Does she wear jack boots?

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  6. I think it sounds possible??

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  7. All fast food must have drive through speaker malfunctions, stemmed from some rabid signal transmitted from my cell phone the moment I pull up to them : /

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  8. I say go for it! If you need any help in getting those things to happen, let me know. I have a few connections. ;)

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  9. I was thinking the Chevy Grunt would be a Fred Flintstone kind of car. lol

    I want that zone-out-on-the-treadmill disease, too!

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  10. lol
    this really made me giggle.
    I'm with Jo on the chevy grunt!

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  11. I like "sleep jogging." That would be amazing. HA!

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  12. LMAO.....absolutely FANTASTIC list today Jack. Well done. :)

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  13. I'm not sure how the pregnant Hilter personal trainer will help, but I'd love a chevy grunt - I think I already have chevy grunt steering in my minivan.

    FYI
    Not to throw off your golf game, but 5 more perfect weeks and you'll be just about -100lbs. But 20 reasonable weeks and you're also done (just in time for New Years - with a scratch for Thanksgiving and Xmas). Keep up the good work and the great posts.

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  14. I would be a big fan of sleep jogging. I would do that all the time.

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  15. May the stars align for you!

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  16. lol - too funny! That WOULD be a perfect month!

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  17. i'm exhausted just reading that. phew! Jack.. just keep doing what you're doing.. have a perfect week now and then, just when you need to kickstart things again, or get off a plateau. You're doing so fabulous. You WILL win this race.

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  18. Lmao. Have I mentioned how much I love your posts? Always bring a smile to my face. :)

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  19. my goodness have i missed you!!

    and i can't believe i just said "my goodness" !! sheesh!

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  20. You are too friggin funny! That bread one is for me although I made my food plan to include bread. I will NOT live without it!!!

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  21. Do you read my diary? How did you know that was my 2008?

    I figure you will weigh -3.4 pounds by the end of the year! Keep you the good work...and the funny!

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  22. Gasoline jumps to $10.00 a gallon for one month, causing me to have to walk to work every day.

    very funny stiff, Jack

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  23. Great stuff today! So I'm the only one who gets wild, insatiable cravings for lettuce? XD

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  24. I love this post! AMAZING loss this week! Kudos! I know its hard work and alot of dedication! Congrats Jack!

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  25. Sign me up for the Grunt! You can keep the rabid dogs to yourself. :)

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  26. hahah! I saw the Perfect storm get filmed, so does that help at all?

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  27. Why can't my local 24 Hour Fitness have a bucking Elliptical machine. It's all about cardio and no fun.

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  28. My hero. My blogging mentor hehehe

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  29. God damn it Jack! You beat me. Great Job man, 7 lbs in a week is freaking amazing. I only managed 2.6 to end up at 231.6. Damn, all I can say is great job, I'm actually kinda speechless haha. Maybe I'll catch back up to you at some point. Keep on truckin dude. Damn.

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  30. Did you learn nothing from the death of George Clooney??

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  31. If your new best friend the chef gets tired of staying with you, please send him my way!

    Too funny as always!

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  32. I don't get it, Jack. I do those things EVERY MONTH...

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  33. Sorry, but I couldn't take my eyes off that damn boat picture. It scares the hell of me everytime I see it (for real). Terrible fear of deep bodies of water.

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