My *Perfect* Month

Thinking about it, I really do believe I could have extended my *perfect* week and built up a *perfect* month pretty easily. I could keep losing 7 or 8 pounds a week. I could really do it. I just need a few things to happen…

• The elevator at work must break down and I must forget which floor I work on so I spend a half hour or so going up and down stairs looking for my office.
• I must get a wild, insatiable craving for lettuce.
• President Obama must bring back Prohibition for a one-month trial.
• All bread products in my house must spontaneously become caked in unsightly mold (even ones in the freezer).
• I must make a new best friend who just happens to be a personal chef, whose apartment building has just burned down so he needs a place to crash while he works on testing his new line of low-fat recipes.
• When I’m out jogging, a pack of mean, nearly rabid dogs must chase me, but they can only run slightly slower than I can and they must give up and go home a block from my house.
• I must contract that disease where you kind of zone out on the treadmill and go a really long time without realizing it and you kind of wake up and go “Whoa, wha' happened?”
• I must start “sleep-jogging.”
• I must develop a severe allergy to taffy.
• Elliptical machine at the gym must go berserk and do crazy hour-long bucking in which I can’t get off, and my shrieky cries for help must go unnoticed by the other gym patrons.
  
• Spa must call and say they’ve just drawn my business card out of the fishbowl and that I’ve won free massages for a month.
• My regular personal trainer must go out on maternity leave and I get stuck with the really mean one that has the Hitler mustache. Oh, I hate her! Oh yeah, and my personal trainer must get pregnant.
• I must go in for emergency appendectomy and doctor must misread the chart and accidentally go to town with the lipo machine.
• While shaving, I must accidentally slice part of my cheek off (and then have to slice off the other side to even things up).
• I must be chosen to be a month-long test-driver for the new Chevy Grunt, the first automobile that runs on Bowflex technology.