Friday, August 28, 2009

How Do You Eat A Whale?



I started working on this post about taking a one-bite-at-a-time attitude to your weight loss efforts, but then I realized that the title of the post was a bit misleading. I remembered that many of my Eskimo readers (Hi, Nyako, Tapenga and Dadgayadoh) would take the title literally and would be expecting whale-preparation tips. Once I get going with one of these blog entries, I really hate to change directions, so I suppose this post should actually be titled “How Do You Eat A Whale, Both Literally and Figuratively?”

Well, obviously… first you need to catch a whale. Lucky for you, I have some experience with this. I went on a whale-watching boat trip a couple of summers ago down in Sayulita, Mexico. Our boat came in nice and tight on several of the buggers, and I can tell you this from first-hand experience: they’re big. I’m just not sure that your average rod-and-reel is going to be able to handle one of these mothers. I’m certainly no fishing expert, but I’d go with a Shimano Spheros 18000FB with the Paladin gear-enhancement, higher line capacity and cold-forged spools with improved drag-systems. And don’t forget the worms!

Let’s just assume, for a minute, that you can’t catch a whale. Don’t feel too bad; I couldn’t either (I didn’t have my fishing gear with me; what’s your excuse?). There’s a simple solution, my friend. Just go over to Japan where they sell fresh whale, frozen whale, canned whale, cubed whale, dried whale, pickled whale and whale-on-a-stick. Can’t get to Japan? Geez, don’t you know how to use MapQuest yet, stupid?

So now you’ve got yourself a nice hunk of juicy whale meat. Now what?

I found this recipe for Whale Stew on the internet. Have you ever started making something and you didn’t check the ingredient list to make sure your cupboard was stocked with everything you need to make the dish? That’s exactly what happened to me on this one. Don’t be a dumbass like me: check and make sure that you have all the ingredients you need before you start cooking.

Whale Stew

Ingredients:

1 (105 ton) Whale
1,896 lbs Onions
7,326 lbs Potatoes
1,908 gallons Tomato Sauce
2,276 lbs Carrots
927 lbs Celery
104 lbs Salt
76 lbs Black Pepper
52 gallons Tabasco Sauce

Directions: Place whale in pot with tomato sauce. Cook at 300 degrees for 4 hours. Add onions, potatoes, carrots, celery, salt, pepper and Tabasco sauce. Simmer 36 hours. Serves 347,161 people.

Truthfully, this recipe is just “okay.” If I make it again, I’m gonna add a pinch of oregano.

Let’s say that you’re just trying to learn more about figuratively eating a whale, you know, like losing a whole lot of weight. Well, in that case you should just take it “one bite at a time.” Sorry, I was going to write a lot more about the subject, but I used up too much space for the Eskimos (Message to Nyako, Tapenga and Dadgayadoh: “Inuktitut (goodbye) and have an ‘ice’ weekend!”.

Next time, I’ll try to put the weight loss stuff first.

35 comments:

  1. Another post that had me laughing!

    "One bite at a time" is definately the way to approach this whole weight loss thing!

    As for that recipe, I have to saw EW...look at how much celery is in that thing!

    I didn't run into any pan-handlers on my run this morning; I was only 2 blocks up from the river on Monroe and it was a quiet morning I guess!

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  2. Well, now I am prepared for my whale fishing expedition. Only bad part is I don't have enough freezer space for the all the stew from your recipe. I'll work on that while you work on the figuritve angle. In the meantime, lay off us gun nuts, eh? We might come in handy once you hook that whale. Cause my guess is the whale will be plenty mad.

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  3. I like Whale-O. It jiggles. Like me.

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  4. hahaha loveddd this post. im going to put a link on my blog :)

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  5. What? No Whale burgers?

    Great message though!

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  6. For a moment there, I really wanted to try that whale recipe. 0_o

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  7. No garlic?

    I laughed so loudly my cat came to investigate!

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  8. Well. If you DO go to japan, make sure the whale is really fresh. They let the whole whale explode in the middle of the street, you know. From internal gases and whatnot. I saw it not too long ago on TV so it HAS to be true. ;-)

    Oh I know this is beside the point of your post. Sorry. Just remembered the exploded whale and couldn't get rid of the image until I told you all about it.

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  9. I normally stick with counting calories, but I'm afraid I can't ignore the blubber grams in whale. And salty, why is it so salty? Or do I want to know?
    Thank you for the recipe. Next time I have a large metropolitan population over for dinner I'll pull it out.

    Great post.

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  10. That's gotta be one damn big pot you cooked it in!

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  11. Being born and raised in Alaska I can add (and I think Nyako will likely agree with me), that your whale stew recipe is lacking two key whale stew staples: a handful of fresh sage and a healthy sprinkling (read: bathtub full) of Yukon Jack whiskey.

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  12. I think that would be enough to feed my family of 9!! Well, maybe. . .

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  13. Random yet related tidbit about myself: I have a killer whale tattooed on my back shoulder. His name is Ollie. He will not be cooked into a stew or otherwise!

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  14. So you're a gourmet too? Funny post.

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  15. That's my mantra too - one bite / one step at a time. :)

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  16. Needs more garlic, and does it freeze well?

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  17. I love Sayulita, I usually stay in San Francisco. Beautiful area!

    And yes, the whales are enormous!

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  18. First you offend Elton, then Tammy, and now Shamu?

    Next thing is you will insult my father Dr. Geoff and his magazine like blog roll.

    I have heard it all!!

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  19. What can I say...I skipped the ingredients part of your post, because, hey, when am I going to make whale stew? Then I started reading the comments...and realized I missed the punch line. You funny. I like the part about adding oregano.

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  20. hmmm, i wonder does fitday have the stats on the macros on 4oz of whale meat??? whats the omega 3s like in that tasty treat??? hmmm

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  21. Oh my gosh... I love your 'About Me' on your blog. LOL

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  22. Hilarious! How do you think of this stuff? Your posts are more satisfying than any binge, last longer and calorie free!

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  23. This, dear jack, is why I only eat elephant. You need much less onion.

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  24. Am I weird that I started salivating when you said "whale-on-a-stick"??

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  25. Im with Sean, a little concerned about total "blubber grams" in this recpie, but hey I'll give it a try! I'll be over with 2 or 3 dump trucks full of oyster crackers, and reams of napkins!! :-)

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  26. New reader here - are you always this funny? I read the whole post to my husband :)

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  27. what - no lemon?? no dill???? no fresh ground pepper?

    oh yah. I forgot... it's a mammal, not a fish.

    alternate recipe: stuff with one Jonah for 3 days...

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  28. If my daughter knew about this post, she would hunt you down and kill you slowly and painfully! She is part whale, I think. Really not sure how THAT heppened.

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  29. Another take it slow saying, "like a cat eating a grindstone" One bite at a time.

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