Saturday, August 22, 2009

A Few of My Favorite Twings

Honestly, I can't decide if I like Twitter or not. These blog posts seem to live and breathe in their own little bloggy world, but the little twitterlings... they're like tossing tufts of fluff up into the air on a windy day. They hang around less time than a toot in an elevator (hey, don't look at me... remember the first law of fartage: he who smelt it, dealt it).

I have the attention span of a gnat, and Twitter's the perfect stage for some of the random thoughts and goofball ideas I have that are barely coherent enough to make a sentence out of, much less an entire blog post.

But it's a beautiful Saturday and neither one of us really needs to be spending too much time sitting in front of a computer. Let's get out and do something today!

Anyway, here are some of my favorite tweets, twats and twitterlings...

  • "This is a terrible Farmer's Market," I told the lady. "It's a garage sale, dumbass," she replied.
  • Dammit. Got halfway finished with a post for my site: "Crochet a Bit with Jack Sh*t," then realized that's one of my imaginary blogs.
  • I don't know about my personal trainer; she told me to do jumping jacks for an hour in the parking lot.
  • Just finished 45-mile bike ride in 12 and a half minutes. Waitaminute... I may have that turned around backwards.
  • FYI: When somebody hits you in the forehead with a fire extinguisher at the gym, it means quit singing along so loud to Foghat on your iPod.
  • I eat a lot of spinach because (a) it's good for me and (b) I secretly believe some of that Popeye stuff is real.
  • I think it's time for you to take a good hard look in the mirror. BTW, did I mention I'm a door-to-door mirror salesman?
  • You know what I bet's good on carrot sticks? Buttercream frosting (and the carrot sticks have been shredded up and put in carrot cake).
  • I just went to Subway and asked 'em to give me what that Jared guy got: a million dollar endorsement contract.
  • Having a handful of almonds as a snack, but picking 'em out of the Almond Joy bars is a real b*tch.
  • I've invented this brand new kind of push-up where you lie on your back, and... well, I haven't worked out all the details yet.
  • Went to new restaurant last night called Hillbillies' Chili's. Shouldn't have ordered the "Awesome Possum."
  • My "Rock all the time" strategy was kicking ass, but now I'm on a losing streak like you wouldn't believe in "Rock Paper Scissors."
  • I tried lighting a candle at both ends, and guess what: TWICE AS MUCH LIGHT. Don't listen to what people say...
  • I could have been rich if my mom hadn't thrown out my old baseball cards. And my trunk full of Krugerrands.
  • Give a man a fish, he eats for a day; give him a fish restaurant, he eats for a lifetime.
  • I don't know why I'm still afraid of my dentist, but I suspect it has something to do with his Hitler mustache.
  • "I sure look good in these home movies," I told my wife, Anita. "That's a Bowflex commercial, dumbass," she replied.
  • Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, double shame on you! (I just don't see why I should accept any shame in this situation)


  1. As always, thanks for the chuckle! :)

  2. You have lost over 60 pounds!!!!

    Can you please update your profile pic. It does not resemble a 60 pound loser.

    I would respond to your post, but I always @JckSht every time you post.

  3. I just might have to give this Twitter thing a try, just to follow you. Thanks for the laughs!

  4. These twats are setting my whole Saturday in motion. Still hate twitter, tho...

  5. I've been resistant to Twitter, but now that I started, I'm getting addicting and I have no idea why!! Just another crazy thing to keep me on the computer...

    Loved all your, um, twats ;P

  6. cant tweet, too choppy, ADD, can't,,not,,there

  7. We really do tell my son that spinach will make him strong like Popeye, and guess works! He's only 5, but he'll eat a few leaves of spinach and knows it will make him strong. Little sucker still believes everything I tell him.

  8. Geez, if this is how Twitter is supposed to be used, I actually see some value in it. :)

    So much for my lame "I'm sitting on the patio" tweets because I couldn't think outside the box. Maybe I'm just a Twit. :)

  9. You are a twitter natural! That is quality tweeting, my friend!

  10. FogHat...take me back...SLOW RIDE! bah, bah, bah...TAKE IT EASY!...bah, bah, bah.

    Can't imagine how that could be annoying to your fellow gym rats.

  11. your twits are perfect, keep 'em coming!

  12. Please tell me you weren't singing Slow Ride?! Eeeeehhhh!!!

    Haven't been tweeting lately myself. I'm flaky like that.

  13. i'm a terrible twitterer. but i do enjoy yours... :)

  14. I don't do Twitter & not sure I get it. I know, I am in the minority but I don't know how people have the time. I barely have time to do my own blog & check others! I am clueless!

    Thx for the fun!

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  16. Best blog comment EVER: its a beautiful Saturday and none of us need to be in front of a computer. Gonna sign off, shut down and get out Do Something. Thanks Jack - sometimes you do know shit! (and the twits made me laugh)

  17. The farmers market one made me laugh the most, because sadly, that actually happened in our house recently. Not through twittering though.

  18. I'll say it again. You are the only person I've found that would be even remotely interesting to follow on Twitter. But I still don't have an account 'cause I can just read them on your blog, and I think Twitter is pretty stupid overall.

  19. Irene is on her way out the door---she wanted me to tell you HILARIOUS in all caps.
    My favorite Tweet of yours was--and I'm paraphrasing---
    "If I say my glass is half empty, you call me a pessimist. But what if I say it's half empty of awesomeness?"


  20. I am still Twitterless, but if the tweet twit twat whatevers were this funny, I would join in!

  21. Just. too. funny!

    (btw, did go to the Farmer's Market and you're right! How am I going to be happy with regular grocery store tomatoes ever again? Let the irritating foodie blog posts commence...)

  22. I just watch other people! Twitter, ya know.

  23. I am still trying to figure out all of the applications of Twitter, but I mostly connect my status with Facebook, so I don't have to post on both. I like it though. Love the comment on Jared, lol.

  24. I hate that I love twitter.

    but I do.

    I swear it's better than google when I need an immediate twanswer about something.

  25. True story: Years ago, I was at the gym and I kept hearing this awful noise - sounded like a dying cat in a hail storm. Turned out it was my Mom, in a tanning bed, singing along with the radio. I had to get off my exercise machine, go knock on the door (loudly - she was wearing earphones) and yell through the door that she was disturbing the peace.

  26. Love your twats! I'm going to have to follow you now, because most of the other stuff that I follow is pretty stupid.

    I don't get what is so big about it either...tweet, tweet!

  27. Entertaining to say the least...

  28. I'm still figuring out Twitter myself. I just wonder if people need to know that much about me and my life...

  29. I don't twit. :) Or is it tweet?



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