A Few of My Favorite Twings

Honestly, I can't decide if I like Twitter or not. These blog posts seem to live and breathe in their own little bloggy world, but the little twitterlings... they're like tossing tufts of fluff up into the air on a windy day. They hang around less time than a toot in an elevator (hey, don't look at me... remember the first law of fartage: he who smelt it, dealt it).

I have the attention span of a gnat, and Twitter's the perfect stage for some of the random thoughts and goofball ideas I have that are barely coherent enough to make a sentence out of, much less an entire blog post.

But it's a beautiful Saturday and neither one of us really needs to be spending too much time sitting in front of a computer. Let's get out and do something today!

Anyway, here are some of my favorite tweets, twats and twitterlings...

• "This is a terrible Farmer's Market," I told the lady. "It's a garage sale, dumbass," she replied.
• Dammit. Got halfway finished with a post for my site: "Crochet a Bit with Jack Sh*t," then realized that's one of my imaginary blogs.
• I don't know about my personal trainer; she told me to do jumping jacks for an hour in the parking lot.
• Just finished 45-mile bike ride in 12 and a half minutes. Waitaminute... I may have that turned around backwards.
• FYI: When somebody hits you in the forehead with a fire extinguisher at the gym, it means quit singing along so loud to Foghat on your iPod.
• I eat a lot of spinach because (a) it's good for me and (b) I secretly believe some of that Popeye stuff is real.
• I think it's time for you to take a good hard look in the mirror. BTW, did I mention I'm a door-to-door mirror salesman?
• You know what I bet's good on carrot sticks? Buttercream frosting (and the carrot sticks have been shredded up and put in carrot cake).
• I just went to Subway and asked 'em to give me what that Jared guy got: a million dollar endorsement contract.
• Having a handful of almonds as a snack, but picking 'em out of the Almond Joy bars is a real b*tch.
• I've invented this brand new kind of push-up where you lie on your back, and... well, I haven't worked out all the details yet.
• Went to new restaurant last night called Hillbillies' Chili's. Shouldn't have ordered the "Awesome Possum."
• My "Rock all the time" strategy was kicking ass, but now I'm on a losing streak like you wouldn't believe in "Rock Paper Scissors."
• I tried lighting a candle at both ends, and guess what: TWICE AS MUCH LIGHT. Don't listen to what people say...
• I could have been rich if my mom hadn't thrown out my old baseball cards. And my trunk full of Krugerrands.
• Give a man a fish, he eats for a day; give him a fish restaurant, he eats for a lifetime.
• I don't know why I'm still afraid of my dentist, but I suspect it has something to do with his Hitler mustache.
• "I sure look good in these home movies," I told my wife, Anita. "That's a Bowflex commercial, dumbass," she replied.
• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, double shame on you! (I just don't see why I should accept any shame in this situation)