Monday, August 17, 2009

Dear Morbidly Obese Couple That Followed Me Around St. Louis

Hey you two,

I was doing a pretty good job of not doing my regular obsessing about weight losing while on my vacation. Between walking all over downtown and horsing around in the pool with Pisa, I was feeling pretty good. Outside the zone, so to speak. I wasn’t stressing about eating, wasn’t micro-managing my meals or oozing sweat out of myself on highly complicated fitness equipment.

Then there we all were, at the hotel’s Carb-alooza breakfast buffet. I was enjoying some oatmeal, yogurt and fruit, and I spotted you two and your family again, sitting down to a Ponderosa-sized breakfast at the table next to me and my family. You two had to be tipping the scale at over 800 lbs (hell, that breakfast looked like it came in at 25 lbs all by itself). The boy seems to be a chip off the old block, the way he was digging in to those waffles and smoked sausages.

What really got my attention was when you were getting on to the daughter, telling her that that banana wasn’t enough to fill her up. Eat up, you were encouraging her. Go back and grab some more of that fabulous free chow.

I know I’m supposed to “live and let live,” but man, it was hard watching you both go to town on that big plate of biscuits and gravy before you made that waffle run. I wanted to go over and shake you both, not for what you’re doing to yourselves but for what you’re passing on to those kids.

You weren’t always like this, were you? I mean, the kids look like you so I presume they came from the two of you having sex, but when I tried to imagine it, my brain locked up like I’d just super-sucked a 56 oz. cherry Slurpee.

You can’t enjoy living this way… I mean, besides the breakfast buffet part, which I’d say you’re getting considerable enjoyment out of by the looks of things. I saw you all over at the Arch yesterday, getting ready to take the ride to the top. As I rode up with my crew in that little washing machine pod that carries you up 700 or so feet, I again tried to imagine you guys cramming yourselves in to that tiny cramped space. Sometimes I wish my imagination wasn’t quite so vivid…

Anyway, I think you’re both too far gone… and the slack-jawed expression on your son gives me little reason to hope he’s going to pull out of his nutritional nosedive. Most teenage boys I know can eat like pigs and stay rain-thin. I see him over there playing on a cell phone or Game Boy or whatever the hell it is, so I suspect most of his activity is of the virtual variety.

Which leaves the daughter, and my one hope for your family. Those bright eyes and that banana make me think she’s got half a chance if she can somehow get through the next few years without slipping on a heavy overcoat of indifference and self-loathing thanks to the poor guidance you’re giving her.

I really wanted to pull her aside and tell her there’s another way, another path. I wanted to impart to her that there’s nothing “free” about that “free buffet” and that we don’t all have to grow up to be the folks who raised us. The cards you’re dealt is part of it, to be sure, but there’s also the way you play them.

Of course I didn’t do it. It would have scared her, and not in the way I wanted to scare her. I sat back, pushed away my three-quarter’s finished oatmeal (you don’t have to scrape the plate clean, y’know), and offered a silent prayer for your not-so-little girl.

Maybe she’s doomed, maybe not. There’re those bright eyes… and that banana. Hold on to that banana, young lady.

Hold on tight.


  1. Amazing post. I can feel your pain for that little girl :(

  2. Sad, sad, sad and oh so true.

  3. Sometimes I think that my mom loving me "just the way I was" wasn't always good for me. I wish that I had been better educated as a kid about nutrition and if I could go back in time and tell my future self to tackle my weight problem when I was young, it would have been so much easier. I see my friends kid getting too fat already at 2 and it makes me afraid for her future.

  4. Scrape the plate clean - or lick it clean...

  5. Wow... great post. I am making changes so my daughter can have a good example.

    I just passed another "lovely blog" award to you... I <3 sh*t.

  6. It's been researched that obesity in children makes it much more difficult to leave a healthy life as an adult (I know from experience).

  7. I work in a donut/coffee shop and i just cringe when parents do that. I had a grandmother bring in her granddaughter and asked what the little girl wanted she wanted a small milk the grandmother then proceeded to try to push a donut or a cookie or a muffin on this girl. To which the little girl just kept shaking her head no! Thank goodness.

  8. addiction is addiction. a joint, a shot, a syringe is no less destructive to your body if its handed to you by a parent. same difference with food addiction. sounds like the daughters trying to set a good example. good observation jack!

  9. Almost the same thing happened to me on vacation last week; except the parents were both normal weight (maybe 10-15 lbs overweight, but certainly not obese) and their two daughters (about 5 and 7) were both obese. I was left scratching my head trying to figure out how that happened. How can parents let their children get that way? It's a good (tough) questions with a million different answers.

    I myself was overweight as a child starting around middle school; so maybe it's something I have to think about with relation to my parents as well.

  10. My son's school has a strict veggie and fruit snack policy. At first I thought it was over the top - too controlling. But, my son is asking for more and more fruits and veggies because of it. Now, I'm rather grateful for the policy. Kids really do pay attention to what we do.

  11. It's tough to watch people make choices that have such a detrimental effect on themselves and everyone around us--it's especially difficult when we're pretty sure we've finally found the answers to what ails them.

    It's nice to have someone to feel superior to, sometimes. It's a way of assuring ourselves that no matter what our specific foibles are that there's always someone else out there who has it worse off and therefore our own failings seem downright minuscule in comparison. I wonder how many times a similar letter could have been addressed to me (or you, or any number of other people who read it here) after someone had witnessed a food-related felony I committed prior to my weight loss enlightenment? It's amazing how often in my life I've played the fat girl game of looking around the room to find the person bigger than me, and how unaware I was that there were countless people doing the same thing to me.

    What is it about getting a little success under our belts that makes us forget just how tight that same belt was not so long ago? With just a few victories over our own weight problems, fat amnesia rears it's ugly head and suddenly all that judgement that felt so heavy when it was directed toward us becomes light as a feather when we're handing it back out.

    I ache for that little girl--and for her brother, and for her parents, and for me, and for you, and for everyone else out there who will struggle with obesity and all it's trappings. The odds are against very many of us winning the battle, but I wish us all continued strength to fight it.

  12. I wonder how many people wanted to say something to me all this time. And what a waste it would have been. I would have been horrified, mortified, embarrassed. To have them mention the unmentionable. Thankfully the lightbulb went off for me. And you. Glad you had a good time Jack.

  13. Great post as always. I think it's incredibly sad when I see that, too--people encouraging others to misuse food. You get that a lot when you're thin. Once you're big, everyone assumes you eat enough, you know, but when you're thin, people for some reason think it's that way because you starve yourself or something. And they say, "You need to eat something! Do you want some more?" et cetera, et cetera. And I think for parents a lot of the time they think of food as something they're giving their children to show love. So if a child refuses it or doesn't eat as much as they think they should, it's almost like a personal afront to the parents. Sad stuff. I am so grateful to my parents for always instilling good eating habits in me (and for giving me good genes).

  14. Wonderful post!! I probably would have said something then regretted it after the two parents beat the living crap out of me. I find it difficult to hold my thoughts in my head...they just come "floating" out of my mouth. Of course, still being a fat person myself might have given them fodder for some nasty comments directed my way, but I'd have taken it if I thought I could reach those kids. Anyhooooo, great post.

  15. This was moving...disturbing...and true. I wonder if people think this about me when I'm attacking the buffet?

  16. It is something to think about when you have children. You are the only example they have, it is too bad that people do this to themselves but doing it to their children is even worse. I don't blame my parents for how I ended up but they didn't help either with the big McDonalds and the eating out fast food habits I snatched up...I am just glad to do something about it now before it is too late for my children.

  17. I agree with Sara's comment - while you are probably accurate in your assumptions about this family, your tone is highly superior, which is sad to me. It's sort of got a self-loathing thing happening, as well. I'm not saying you are or ever were as fat or as unhealthy as these people, but being someone who is currently on a weight loss path, you seem very judgmental. And angry.

    While I understand your concern for the children, and it is very valid, I think you should think about why you are so mad at these parents. Sure, it's about the unhealthy habits they're instilling in their kids, but is it also because they're fat and they're not doing anything about it? That in fact, they're relishing in their gluttony.

    I am a fairly new reader of your blog, but in the past few weeks I have found some very insightful, highly inspiring posts. Today's just wasn't one of them.

  18. I am mad... I'm mad because I know for a fact how hard this is and how much pain being obese brings you. I know that it's a sure way to cut life short, both in quantity and quality. And I know that kids learn from their parents.

    I'm sorry if my tone was holier-than-thou or if I'm coming across as a fat-person-hater. I've been overweight for most of my life... and mad at myself for it. Most of all, mad because I don't understand it.

    I want us all to be the best people we can be, happy and healthy and ready to take on whatever the world sends our way. It makes me feel very impotent when I see people abusing their bodies when I'm working so damn hard to reclaim mine. Honestly, it makes me mad.

    But you're right... it's probably more my problem than theirs'.

  19. You know, it is sometimes like watching a parent give a child a cigarette. That's how my folks raised eat, eat, eat. Like larger portions are an entitlement.

    I'm not a fat hater anymore than I'm a fat enabler. It just sucks seeing this, knowing how much of a long, difficult road those kids have.

  20. oh jack, I am the only fat person in my family. My husband and two daughters are thin. I did that by never making my daughters eat more than they felt comfortable with. I never have made them 'clean their plates' I had it done to me and won't do it to others. People probably look at our family and think I eat all the food. Which I didn't. I made nice, healthy food for my family and then went out and bought crap for myself. I don't think you came off too badly, you sounded more angry at your prior inability or cluelessness, that may be a tad projected. But not wanting to watch a child go through the pain and humiliation you suffered is understandable. Keep writing.

  21. Jack....I loved this post. I totally got your point. You don't want this poor little girl to go through what you've gone through. It's hard to be fat, and even harder to lose the weight later, if you ever make that decision. And you are 100% correct in kids learning from their parents, and what these parents are teaching/showing their children. You lead by example, and they are setting a deadly one for their children. I get it. I totally get it. Do not feel bad about writing this post. You just keep being honest Jack...I love that about you and your writing. The truth stings sometimes...but it still needs to be told. I'm proud of you for that.

  22. Jack, I know where you're coming from. I saw and felt the same way many times at my family reunion. You do want to say something or shake some sense into them. But we both know that nothing's going to change until they want to change. Some never will. Yeah, and that makes me mad too.

  23. I see a bigger person forcing their will upon a person who is weaker, and THAT makes me mad.
    Add to the equation that were talking about a parent child relationship, and the poor kid is doomed. Even if she does end up holding true to her own eating patterns, she'll suffer from guilt and mental shrapnel for years to come.

  24. These bad diet eating patterns are so damned hard to break generation to generation-sigh. I have damned hard with teenager- he has the family genes so we keep him very active (he has never known anything else)

  25. The blunt truth & I applaud you for writing this! I have posted in the past about this really pet peeve of mine that parents that bit*h about how scared they are for their kids & oh, I don't know what to do & get them on some of the reality or Dr. Shows & yet THEY ARE NOT WILLING TO CHANGE THEMSELVES. Take a look in the mirror, take a look in your cupboards & frig... are you helping any??? Many of them are not!

    I am like you Jack, the parents are adults & should be helping their kids be healthy. I so feel for these young ones that are learning the wrongs thing from day one.

  26. I think it's good to get mad about it. At ourselves and at others. These truly are LIFE THREATENING decisions. And yes, we've all made those bad decisions in the past. It all can creep up on you without the massive buffets. You can feel like you are eating pretty reasonably, but if you write it down it's way more calories than you should be taking in. And it is difficult when you see it happening to children.

    But there are times when there are other things going on that you can't know. So that's where I stop myself from immediate judgment and instead, offer up a prayer for those people that they would want to change their habits to live a healthy life. And LIVE is the key word.

    And then you see the 1/3lb Angus burger (with bacon) shown on TV. I guess that picture does actually appeal to some people???? Makes me wnat to vomit just looking at it!

  27. Sad, true, and scary.

    A very moving post, Jack.

  28. While I realize the obvious assumption, these parents being grossly overweight, is that they were pushing food on this girl, but we don't really know this is the case do we?

    Perhaps the girl has eating issues of her own & needs to eat a little more than a banana for breakfast.

    We just don't know.

    Not to be trite, but "don't judge a book by its cover" comes to mind.

    My husband & I are both overweight.
    While we are making many changes & slowly working our way towards healthier lives, if anyone just looked at us they could easily only see a pair of overweight parents.

    If they saw us out with our children, who are not overweight, and saw us encouraging them to eat they may leap to the same conclusion you did...that we were leading them down the path to becoming like us.

    In actuality, it could be that our child is in a food funk & will only eat cooked carrots & bananas (my son did this for a few weeks) so we encourage him to try just about anything. Not candy, but waffles, oatmeal, cereal, bagels, eggs...sure.

    I'm not trying to sh*t all over your post, but I think it is worth looking at who we are really mad at - other people or ourselves.

    I agree that we lead by example, but not all of us are where you are at this exact moment.

    We all knew before we started changing our lifestyles what constituted good food & what didn't, but it didn't always stop us from making bad choices. Luckily, more & more people every day are making better choices & because of that, their children will as well.

  29. Oh. My. God. That was classic. Loved the story, but feel for the family - especially the kids.

    Eat up son, it's free, and it's all you get until snack time. So chow-down!

    Awesome post ;)

  30. My shrink's always blames my mom. For everything. Just kidding, I don't have a shrink.

    Seriously, though. Parents can create weight issues. Whether they enable overeating or undereating, a lot comes from childhood. That's basic psychology. The idea is, though, to lead by healthy example; including your verbal commentary (which I think is pretty funny, btw).

    Just my 2 cents anyway.


  31. WOW...Why we love you...I know exactly what you mean, sean and I have done the same things to our girls, we didnt make them clean their plates, but we never stopped them from it either, and we are both to blame, and yes that truth does sting, but it is what it is. I remember going through the drive through at burger king when the whoppers were .99 cents and Sean and I used to argue because he wanted to get the girls one and I said all they need is a whopper junior if anything and the problem was they were the same price...700 calorie whopper or a 300 calorie whopper junior, for .99 cents he would just say "what they dont eat I will eat for them"... and he did. But the examples we set are the ones that get scetched in their brains and once the program is there it can be very hard to erase.

    Thank you for this post....

  32. Jack, one thing we share in common is our sincere attempt to share our feelings..whether they feel right, wrong, harsh, self-loathing...whatever. Just the honest truth about our thoughts.

    This post does feel harsh to me. And yet I know you wrote it with your personal journey of pain still fresh in your mind. I carry great guilt at the eating habits Ihave passed on to my kids, and I plan to post on it soon in my "motivations" series.

    So in a way you stepped on my toes too, but then, who said this flogging thing would ever be clean and neat.

    So it may be harsh, but still a powerful post. If it wakes up any of us fat paretns to what legacy we are passing on it will have been worth it.

  33. ugh, this just makes me sad, so very sad. I do not have children yet, but I want them and want to leave a different kind of legacy in weight and in emotional health and confidence and all sorts of things...

  34. I have been that girl with the bright eyes and the banana and you have reached out to me through your writing. (My parents are not obese but they don't have to be in order for me to relate to her.)
    I hope you know that there's been many turning points for me in just my short weight loss journey and I know there will be many more to come - because there's still a road to travel. I am reclaiming myself!

  35. Nobody's ever too far gone. They just have to want it.

  36. good well rounded writers evoke varied emotions from their readers. If you didn't evoke any.. we wouldn't be reading you.


  37. I have to say that I agree with ugly girl with a beautiful heart. No one is EVER too far gone to want to change and I don't think it's fair for you to pass that judgement on those people. How long did you want it before you wanted it bad enough, Jack? I have no doubt that you've probably considered changing your lifestyle more than once before actually doing so, all the while, sitting down to a nice big buffet a time or two. Or are you the rare one that woke up one morning and said to yourself, "Holy crap! I'm overweight and I've got to do something about it today," and then began your journey to never sat down to another overly enduldent meal? It pains me to think that ANYONE who struggles or struggled with weight would ever think that anyone was too far gone to be saved. Now, don't get me wrong, the truth of the matter is that they ARE teaching thier children bad habits; and it IS very sad for that girl and her brother, but to think that anyone is beyond saving is just not acceptable to me. You make me sad, Jack. I wish you could be more optomistic about the possibility of change for those in most need of it.

  38. I sure look at people different these days.

    The problem is, can America be saved? What is passed as 'normal' diet is freaking scary.

  39. I know exactly what you are talking about. I can still remember being the fattest kid in grammar school and my mother making me feel guilty if I didn't eat pie with her.

    I wised up when I was 13, after I almost died from being fat.

  40. so sad but true bud, thankfully the people reading your posts have made the commitment to try and improve thier life. onwards and downwards

  41. Ah, yes. I can't stand when I see obese parents passing on their horrible habits to their kids. It makes me so sad.

  42. powerful little post there my shit head friend. You should write hallmark cards to fat people *laugh*

  43. It is sad when you see people like that. Either they really don't care about what they eat/or look like, or they figure its too late.

    It's hard not to stare

  44. I certainly remember being that family on many occasions. I wonder if any strangers made a wish that we would get busy and turn it around. If so, their wish came true...finally!
    I clearly understand this post and completely identify from both sides of the breakfast buffet. I like this side much better, but like that family---I was lost completely for so many years, not even considering what I was teaching my daughters.
    I completely and deeply get where you're coming from on this...I do. I see your compassion---and it's deep. And the rage inside against our old habits and examples that were on display---I understand that.
    So, what do we do?
    We do what I'm sure many have done to us before...we make a wish, say a prayer, and hope that someday they'll find the way out.

    Bless that family and thank you for writing about it--I know exactly from where you were coming from and it had absolutely nothing to do with feeling superior.

    my best always,

  45. Seeing people like that, and knowing that I used to be that way, keeps me eating healthier than I used to. I grew up rail thin. I could eat anything I wanted and not gain weight. I didn't learn good eating habits because of it. When I turned 40 I started gaining weight, and am now struggling because I didn't learn good eating habits, even though my Mom tried.

  46. I left you a blog award on my 08-18-2009 post

  47. Am I the only person who noticed that eating just a banana is also unhealthy?

    Just as we shouldn't abide (or teach our children) overeating, we have to be careful not to let the pendulum swing too far the other way.

    There are 2 sides to the eating disorder coin.

    I'm not saying the little girl has an eating disorder. I am saying though that if it were my child, I would have been telling her to get up and get herself some protein.

  48. I loved this post. I think you are probably dead on....I mean yah sure there is a possibility that the girl needs food for other reasons, but in all likelihood this isn't the case. I'm sure these parents love their child, but they obviously have issues with food if they are so obese. Hell I have issues with food and I'm just in the overweight category...its not a crazy assumption to make.

  49. I usually steer clear of these type posts. I think mostly because it hits to close to home for me. I've been on both sides of this. Though my son is rail thin he has terrible eating issues and I do find myself pushing food on him. Then there's my daughter who has a few extra lbs on her and loves to eat. Then a nephew that can eat 3 dinners a night and not gain an ounce. I feel caught between a rock and hard place most of the time trying to balance healthy eating for myself and them.

    I'll be honest I did hear judgment and anger in your words. But I have felt that same way about my own family, about the way I have handled things. I too find myself looking at overweight families now sometimes and wanting to judge. But then I remember that was me.

    I loved what Irene and Sean had to say here because I know like me they have lived it.

    I want to have hope for that family. We all can change, we all are changing. I don't think it's ever to late.

  50. I've been there. It's amazing how much more judgmental I am about fat people now that I'm not fat anymore. At the same time, I doubt I'm as judgmental as the never-been-fat are.

  51. I know you already have the "One lovely Blog Award", but I love to read your blog and so i am giving it you again!

  52. your post is so true! I often find myself thinking like that from time to time. I wish parents would take more time to educate their children on healthy could potentially save us from this obesity epidemic.

    I'm a new reader, great blog. Feel free to check mine out if/when you get the chance.

  53. OUTSTANDING.. I so can relate to this you have no idea.. we went out with friends the other night.. they are not small folks.. I and my husband were the only 2 that left food on our plate .. and it was a TON of FOOD!!!!!.. the husband of the othe couple had just had heart work done and lost over 50 pounds.. the wife a cardio nurse not too thin .. I can understand exercising a lot and eating like that.. but not exercising well.. I noticed when we were in Israel last year I could eat all I wanted and lose a ton of weight.. because we WALKED everwhere.. I lost 7 pounds in one week just because I moved and walked all the time and I ate what I wanted... and not in excess... now when my fibro kicks up and I can not move like I wish .. I do like you.. I eat until satisfied and push the plate away.. if I deem the food edible for another meal I take it home.. if not.. I leave it.. I feel sorry for that little girl and hope like you that she learns that she can control her destiny with food.. she does not have to be parents.. great post!!

  54. hMM... Not going to call it "right or wrong" to feel this way. I do it at the gym. I yell at the people who are there who are not sweating... well in my head. It gets worse the fatter the person is. I can't deny that I am constantly having dialogue in my head about people... but we live in that kind of society. Sports, books, choices, we analyze everything people do, all the time. Jesus- Michael Phelps can't smoke a fucking pipe after winning thousands of gold medals without the morality police coming after him, and every single person having an opinion about whether he should or shouldn't have done that. We are in constant judgement and pick apart what people do... you just voiced it.

  55. It is so weird to hear anger from a weight-loss blogger. I mean, I am jolly all of the time!

  56. That is so sad. I really believe it's borderline child abuse when parents are that ignorant about food & nutrition. For God's sake, we have to take a test to drive & get screened every which way if you want to adopt. But if we want to destroy our own kids, we're free to do that.
    One of my friends saw a baby (approx 6 months) at the Ohio State Fair with Pepsi in it's bottle. YIKES. What kind of future does that kid have?
    And by the way, I'm glad your award will come in handy for redecorating your bathroom. That will look smashing :o)

  57. Hi, I've just come across your blog and been having a read through.

    Families like this really piss me off! OK so I am obese, I have 11st to lose (already lost nearly 5) but I would NEVER allow any of my 5 kids to get overweight if it was in my power, which when they are children, it is. It is hell being overweight and I would never wish it on my worse enemy so definately not my children. People like that are so selfish it angers me. Obese parents know what its like to be tormented and ridiculed by people for their size, suffering pain and tiredness, self hatred etc so why make your kids suffer too.

    I am proud to say, all my kids are slim, there is no fat/hate talk in this house, they love healthy foods and are active!

    Anyway I am loving your posts so far they definately make everything seem a lot more cheery.

    Tobii-Rhea x

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