Saturday, August 1, 2009

Life Lessons From My Dad, Horace

There’s one thing you can say about Horace Sh*t: there’s nothing he likes better than to to than sit around and tell you stuff. He’ll tell you about the what things used to be. He’ll tell you about the way things ought to be. He’ll tell you all about Life, and when he’s done he’ll tell you a few more things. He’s got an old saying for just about every occasion that you can imagine. Some of them even make sense. Not these though…
  • “Close only counts in hand shoes and horse grenades.”
  • “Always look straight ahead…even when crossing the street.”
  • “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you more difficult to insure.”
  • “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him put on a bathing suit.”
  • “No one keeps a secret so well as a child, but that doesn’t mean you need to tell 'em abut your trunk of pornography.”
  • “If at first you don't succeed, carry a big stick.”
  • “Experience is the best teacher, but that Miss Cromwell in English Lit is a real close second.”
  • “Iron while the iron’s hot.”
  • “Give a man a fish, he eats for a day; give him a fish restaurant, he eats for a lifetime.”
  • “When you’re jump-starting a car, the cables always go positive to positive…or maybe it’s they never go positive to positive. It’s one or the other.”
  • “You can’t buy happiness, but nobody’s just giving away big-screen TVs either.”
  • “Dr. Phil says ‘Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you.’ And that’s the reason for the strip-a-gram.”
  • “Great minds think like me.”
  • “Feed a cold, starve a fever, strangle a sore throat, pinch a sinus infection, tease a stomach ache and b*tch-slap a charley horse.”
  • “Do not be caught red-handed, flat-footed, flat-handed or red-footed.”
  • “Faint heart never won a fair lady, but chicks dig the sideburns.”
  • “Follow your dreams, but don’t get all crazy about it.”
  • “Always finish what you start, and never, ever…”
  • “Always be positive, Lard-Ass.”

And while I have your attention...

While I greatly enjoy comments on my blog (who doesn't?), my post yesterday wasn't an attempt to needle folks into commenting more here or trying to make people feel bad for not commenting on every post. I get more than my share of attention; I'd be perfectly content with you dropping me a note every once in a while and sharing the love with a few other bloggers. They all deserve your support...


  1. “Great minds think like me.” LOVE that.

    Found your blog today :) Sticking around.

  2. LMAO!
    I hate just about every picture ever taken of me and my dad always tells me, "If you want a better picture, get a better face!"

    I love you, Dad!

  3. Down three, it was all those pickles I ate last night I bet.

  4. Give him a fish restaurant, he eats for a lifetime. Classic. Words to live by.

  5. I could always tell when my dad was really angry because he'd say your dad's name really loud (no offense intended - I'm sure he's a great guy).

    BTW, is your dad related in some way to Yogi?

  6. Sounds like you have a great dad!

  7. Seriously, is your dad stilll available?

  8. Ok, I don't comment much (sorry, but I do stop by a lot to see how your doing).
    But I have to ask, is that really a picture of your Dad?

  9. "Always be positive, Lard Ass" I think you might just be my long lost brother....

  10. I want to attempt to make a horse put on a bathing suit before I lead him to water! hehehe

  11. like father, like son.... too funny. I'll bet he told you the stroke joke, eh?? :)

  12. I'm going to make it my mission in life to be able to b*tch slap a charley horse instead of curling up in fetal position and crying in pain! LOL!

  13. Your post today made me think of my dad who died 10 years ago. He was such a character, fun, funny, everyone loved him. I miss him so much! Thx for bringing a bit of him back. He always had funny sayings!

  14. I never get the jump cables thing right. I always have to call Husband. But, that's one of his jobs.

  15. Hmmmmm, I may need to try a few of these out. I especially like "Great minds think like me". Classic.

    I think my dad's best has always been: "You can marry more in a minute than you can make in a lifetime". As a father of only daughters, I'd like to think he was just trying to look out for us....

  16. "...b*tch slap a charley horse", does that work? Because I just might have to try it next time...

  17. Everytime I think my dad is sharing some useful point of knowledge with me, he ends it with a racist sentiment. What I'm sayin' is, maybe our dads should hang out.

  18. Your Dad sounds like a hoot! I try and forget a lot of things my parents said to me!

  19. My father´s favourite saying is "It´s worst at first and then it gets worse." Unfortunately there are days since the lard losing began that I feel he was right!

  20. Geez, I'm glad I didn't leave you a comment yesterday, sourpuss. J/K 'cuz I didn't even read you yesterday bahaha! I was too busy pigging out and sleeping, as us folks are prone to do. Hope you're having a wonderful Saturday! Your dad sounds a lot like my old Advertising Director. His deal was that he was just from Texas. When we told people, "Oh, he's from Texas," we always got a collective, "Ohhhhhhhhh." 'Splains it!

  21. lmao....lmao...ALWAYS BE POSITIVE LARD, yeah....go figure, we had the same

  22. my favourite- follow your dreams but don't get all crazy about it. Yep- that's very good advice

  23. I love the sayings!! and on your last comment I agree, I have found new blogs through other peoples blogs, like yours, and I thinks its a great way to see whats out there...

    Keep up the good stuff.....


  24. This is my favorite....

    If at first you don't succeed, carry a big stick.

  25. B*tch slap the charley horse....awesome. :)



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