Life Lessons From My Dad, Horace

There’s one thing you can say about Horace Sh*t: there’s nothing he likes better than to to than sit around and tell you stuff. He’ll tell you about the what things used to be. He’ll tell you about the way things ought to be. He’ll tell you all about Life, and when he’s done he’ll tell you a few more things. He’s got an old saying for just about every occasion that you can imagine. Some of them even make sense. Not these though…

• “Close only counts in hand shoes and horse grenades.”
• “Always look straight ahead…even when crossing the street.”
• “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you more difficult to insure.”
• “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him put on a bathing suit.”
• “No one keeps a secret so well as a child, but that doesn’t mean you need to tell 'em abut your trunk of pornography.”
• “If at first you don't succeed, carry a big stick.”
• “Experience is the best teacher, but that Miss Cromwell in English Lit is a real close second.”
• “Iron while the iron’s hot.”
• “Give a man a fish, he eats for a day; give him a fish restaurant, he eats for a lifetime.”
• “When you’re jump-starting a car, the cables always go positive to positive…or maybe it’s they never go positive to positive. It’s one or the other.”
• “You can’t buy happiness, but nobody’s just giving away big-screen TVs either.”
• “Dr. Phil says ‘Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you.’ And that’s the reason for the strip-a-gram.”
• “Great minds think like me.”
• “Feed a cold, starve a fever, strangle a sore throat, pinch a sinus infection, tease a stomach ache and b*tch-slap a charley horse.”
• “Do not be caught red-handed, flat-footed, flat-handed or red-footed.”
• “Faint heart never won a fair lady, but chicks dig the sideburns.”
• “Follow your dreams, but don’t get all crazy about it.”
• “Always finish what you start, and never, ever…”
• “Always be positive, Lard-Ass.”

And while I have your attention...

While I greatly enjoy comments on my blog (who doesn't?), my post yesterday wasn't an attempt to needle folks into commenting more here or trying to make people feel bad for not commenting on every post. I get more than my share of attention; I'd be perfectly content with you dropping me a note every once in a while and sharing the love with a few other bloggers. They all deserve your support...