Tuesdays with Doctor Geoff...

That, Doctor Geoff. He loves him some Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit, and he’s back trying to get me to join his Wellsphere HealthBlogger Network. He’s a persistant devil, I’ll give him that.

Geoffrey Rutledge, MD, PhD
to me

Hi ,

I just wanted to follow up on the invitation I sent you to be a featured blogger on Wellsphere.com. I was impressed with your blog at http://jackfit.blogspot.com/, and invited you to be a featured blogger in the new Weight Loss community. We would republish from your blog the articles you are already posting, so there is nothing you have to do but say yes. We will also promote your blog in our new dynamic, magazine-like WellPages (with no extra work for you)! If you're interested in being featured and promoting your blog to the Wellsphere audience (now nearly 6 million visitors per month, and growing), please drop me an email, or you can begin right away by signing up at http://www.wellsphere.com/bloggerSignUp.s?email=jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com.

Good Health!
Geoff

My reply:

Hey Doctor Geoff,

Congratulations! Apparently your HealthBloggy network has gained an even 1,000,000 visitors per month since our last conversation last week. That’s super-duper impressive. Hey, did you know I just hit 300 Followers? That’s impressive, too, don’t you think? What a team we make!

You know how I know you’re a real doctor, Doctor Geoff? You didn’t answer any of my questions from my previous letter. My regular doc doesn’t listen either. I’ll be like “What’s this big thing growing on my foot?” and he’ll be like “Your bad cholesterol is too bad.” Of course it’s too bad… it’s bad cholesterol. “Bad” is in it’s name, dumbass.

I’m intrigued by the fact that you’re willing to promote JSGF in your new dynamic, magazine-like WellPages (especially since it’s no extra work for me… how well you know me, Doctor Geoff!). I would ask you if WellPages is a magazine or is just magazine-like, but I know now that you don’t do so great with questions.

So anyway, I’m about ready to switch over from the newly formed Wellsh*t BlogHealther Network to the Wellsphere HealthBlogger Network. All I need now is your personal assurance that the following demands will be met…

• Whenever I come for a visit at Wellsphere HealthBlogger Network world headquarters, I must get a private office with a small refrigerator stocked with ice-cold guava juice and I must be allowed to make as many long-distance prank phone calls as I like.
• My followers must each be given $10 and a gift certificate for a free movie rental at Blockbuster to ease their frustration during what is sure to be a difficult transition period.
• While we’re on tour, I get to ride shotgun at all times (even when I’m driving).
• Whenever you refer to me among friends, family and business associates, it must be as “Jack Sh*t, my BFF.”
• I reserve the right to “drunk blog” at least once a week.
• I’m going to need that Wellsphere HealthBlogger Network t-shirt (sized XL) ASAP.
• I also want you to sign up my good friend Poppy Love and his blog (“The Anti-Tony”) before I’ll even consider moving forward with this venture.
• The toy motorcycle for the “Jack Sh*t” action figure must include a sidecar for the optional “Pisa Sh*t” figure (if possible, please put a tree frog on Pisa’s t-shirt).

Doctor Geoff, you know that you’re a personal hero of mine, and I can’t wait to get rolling on the HealthBlogger Network. As soon as I hear back on my demands, we can start giving your readership the sh*t they want, need and truly deserve!

Your BFF,

Jack Sh*t
Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit
Proud Member of the WellSh*t BlogHealther Network

Moving On Up

“My name is Dr. Geoff Rutledge, and I am delighted to invite you to join Wellsphere's HealthBlogger Network, the world's premier network of health writers, which now includes over 2,000 of the Web's leading health bloggers! We reviewed your blog, and based on the high quality of your writing, the frequency of your posts, and your passion for helping others, we think you would be a great addition to the Network. It is easy and free to join the HealthBlogger Network, all you have to do is reply to this message and let us know you would like to participate.”

The email, which I received yesterday, went on and on with a bunch of details regarding this incredible blogging deal, and the whole thing looks pretty sugar-sweet, so I’m going for it. Here’s my reply:

Dear Doctor Geoff,

As the kids say: “OMG!”

I was surprised, delighted, overwhelmed, amazed, enchanted, jubilant and made slightly woozy by your offer to bring Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit into the Wellsphere’s HealthBlogger Network. Was it my love letter to my skinny jeans that did the trick? The fitness center conversation starters? Confush*t says? No matter; all I can say is that it is quite an honor, and I promise to be the HealthBloggiest HealthBlogger that ever HealthBlogged!

However, in the spirit of openness and complete honesty, I do feel compelled to inform you that I was never actually awarded the “Really Sh*tty Weight Loss Blog” award that is displayed on my blog. As hard to believe as this may be, I made that award up in order to make myself more attractive to your organization.

If you still want JSGF after that startling revelation, I just have a few questions that will need to be answered before I’m ready to sign on…

1. Will being a part of the Wellsphere’s HealthBlogger network allow me to call myself “Doctor”? Will I be able to write prescriptions?
2. You say you have 5 million monthly visitors. Well, according to my records, I also have 5 million monthly visitors. If they’re all different people, that’s all well and good, but what if they’re all the same folks? Shouldn’t we check this out before hopping in bed with one another?
3. Occasionally, I will give extremely bad weight loss advice, such as “Make sure you drink at least a quart of YooHoo each day” or “There's no appetite suppressant quite as effective as bacon.” Will I need to run these kinds of tips past a panel of your health experts from now on?
4. Will my morbid fascination with taffy disqualify me from participating?
5. What if I write a parody that parodies another better-known parody?
6. How does this affect my other blogs, including (but not limited to) Learn to Knit with Jack Sh*t, Whittle a Bit with Jack Sh*t, and Jack Sh*t’s Guide to Go-Go Boot Collecting?
7. Will you help me figure out a way to add a feature that will make viewers’ computers freeze up if they leave a negative comment?
8. If this venture is a huge success and we develop a “Jack Sh*t” action figure, can we please make certain that he’s not hung like Ken?
9. Do I get a free t-shirt for joining like I did at the gym?
10. Is there any possibility of changing the name to the “Wellsh*t HealthBlogger Network”? That’s not a deal-breaker, but you’ve got to admit that it does have a nice ring to it.

Again, thanks so much for considering JSGF for inclusion in Wellsphere’s HealthBlogger Network. Together, we’re going to make people so healthy they can’t stand it!

Respectfully yours,


Jack Sh*t
Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit

I really feel like this association with the HealthBlogger network is going to give my blog the credibility that it has thus far been lacking. I'll keep you posted on the progress...