Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Ways I’ve Welcomed New Folks to the Gym

  • “Excuse me, but that’s the treadmill you have to run on backwards.”
     
  • “I wouldn't bother with a locker; just let me hang on to your valuables.
     
  • “Wow! Is that all the weight you’re gonna put on there?


  • “You should warm up for at least 5 seconds before running as fast as you can.”

  • “Can you spot me… five bucks?”

  • “Your gym nickname is ‘Candy-Ass’”.

  • “This is the best elliptical; I’ll let you have it for $5.”

  • “Have you noticed that my muscles are bumpier than yours?”

  • “The easiest personal trainer? That’d probably be Frances other there, the short-haired chick with all the prison tattoos.”

  • “It’s good to start off with way more than you can lift and go from there.”

  • “Thong Thursday is pretty much mandatory around here.”

  • “C’mon... I’ll sit in your lap and we can do the rowing machine together.”

  • “Just do what I do… and don’t forget to yodel.”

  • “I can only do 500 chin-ups. How about you?”

  • “Here… I wiped the sweaty sweat off the machine with my sweaty towel.”

  • “Here,  I’ll poke you in the stomach while you do ab crunches.”

  • “Spinning class? Oh, everyone just spins around and around until they get really dizzy and fall down.”

  • “I usually lose ten to fifteen pounds per workout.”

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26 comments:

  1. Sounds like 5 bucks is the magic number to buy you off on most things. ;-)

    As always, Jack... hysterical post! Thanks for starting my day off to a good start. (Would be a great start if you would mail ME 5 bucks...)

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  2. Perfect start to a Great Day! Thank you, Jack!

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  3. I bet you have people lining up to be your gym buddy.

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  4. The newbies will be running for the hills :)

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  5. Thong Thursday sounds like a laugh riot. :D

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  6. Aaaaand this is why I don't go to a public gym.

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  7. Do you make much money on your offers to hold everyone's valuables??

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  8. You forgot: "I'm training to be a cage fighter."

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  9. I'm so going to try a few of these next time! you rock dude!

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  10. What about: "Remember to grunt as loud as you can, chicks really dig that."

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  11. Ahhh see? This is why I workout at home. ;)

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  12. HAHA!!!! I suggested to my gym that they instill the butcher "Now serving number ___" system, but give everyone who was there in December the first numbers.
    They said something about the NYResolutioners being big business, and January being the time they can repay the Mafia the loans, blah blah blah... point is, they didn't do it. And I'm waiting one more week for the gym to go back to almost normal so I don't have to spend 3 hours getting a 1 hour work out in.
    Does that make me a bad person?

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  13. I wonder if they have Thong Thursday at my gym.

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  14. If you keep writing hilarios posts like this, I'll give you $5 bucks! :)
    Have a great day Jack!

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  15. I too love it when people wipe off their sweaty machines with their already sweaty towels. It always feels so hygienic.

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  16. What about the people who fart while exercising because nobody will know who done it?

    Now I remember why I purchased cardio equipment and dedicated a room in my house as my home gym.

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  17. Hilarious. I love the one about Francis. :)

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  18. You'll burn more calories post-workout if you come over to my place.

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  19. From a guy: Watching you shrink makes me get bigger;)

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  20. My Balls are to big and heavy, could you give me a hand? I'll get it halfway, and you do the rest (while holding a kettlebell)

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  21. Do you want to watch me watch my muscles grow?

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  22. Come to yoga tonight. There are some positions I'd love to try with you. rawr.

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  23. and here I always say I DONT DO SPINNING CLASS.
    who knew I do.
    daily.
    till Im sick :)

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  24. I have a great read with this humorous post. This is a good post to start the new year.
    Torn Muscle Symptoms

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  25. :-) So glad I work out when few are around!

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