Wednesday, August 26, 2009

My Dog, Dip


I haven’t written about Dip before, because, frankly, I don’t want you getting too attached to her. After all, if (I take that back… when, definitely when) I lose 90 pounds, somebody’s got a date with the fire pit in the back yard.

I’ve been doing some research on sacrificial rites and Brazillian demi-gods and have narrowed it down to Aiomun-Kondi or Huitaca (Sorry, Saracura, Bochica and El-Dorado–better luck next time).

Before you go feeling sorry for this horrid flea-trap, understand this: she isn’t even a U.S. citizen. My wife Anita and daughter Pisa were on a month-long trip down in Mexico last year, studying Spanish, seeing the sights and volunteering at an animal shelter. They befriended a tiny puppy there and called me repeatedly, pleading to bring it back home with them.

“Absolutely not,” I told them. “Under no circumstances are you to bring that dog back with you.”

Imagine my surprise at the airport to see a tiny canine head peeking out of a travel carrier.

“Ummmmm,” said Pisa, sheepishly. “We thought you said it was okay. Look… she’s got two different colored eyes!”

I glared at Anita.

“I forgot,” she shrugged, leaving me to get the luggage while she and Pisa carried the doggy bag.

After a 15-minute non-stop cuss-fest, I relented and took the three of them home, but on the way back, I laid down the law: “The dog is not allowed in the house.”

The next day, I returned home from work to see the pup, now christened Dip, lying in the middle of the living room floor gnawing on one of my best sneakers. I got pretty angry, so I immediately made a new rule: “Okay,” I said. “The dog can come in the house, but she can only go in certain rooms.”

The next day, I came home to find Dip relaxing on the sofa, leisurely chewing on the remote control. I was furious, so I outlined the new canine no-no’s: “All righty, the puppy can go anywhere in the house she wants, but I demand that she stay off the furniture!”

That night, I woke up with hot dog breath in my face and a wagging tail thumping against my privates. Livid, the next morning I issued a proclamation: “The dog is now allowed on furniture, but she is definitely not allowed to sleep with people on the bed.”

The next night, there was a thunderous storm and the pup was whining like crazy. Anita, feeling sorry for her, picked her up and put her between us in the bed. The next morning, I declared a new mandate for the Sh*t household: “The dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.”

The next night, I stumbled from the shower after a particularly intense workout and threw back the covers to climb into bed. I almost laid down right on the wretched creature, who was woozy-snoozing on my side. On my side! The next morning I pounded the breakfast table and made a solemn declaration: “Fine! The dog can sleep on the bed whenever she wants, but not under the covers.”

Things got worse. Me: “The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.”

And worse. Me: “The dog can sleep under the covers every night.”

And even worse. “All humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.”

People ask me what my motivation to lose weight truly is. Is it the health benefits? The compliments? The possibility of living longer? The increased energy or the fact that you can wear your skinnier clothes?


No, no, no, no and no.

There is a beautiful Sunday morning somewhere in my future, a morning when I step on that scale and see the magic number pop up. I think Dip knows too, because she’s started watching my weigh-ins with a hang-dog expression on her face.

Dip needs to go, and I’m sure that everybody who comments is going to agree with me 100%.

It’s great to know that I’ve always got your support.

52 comments:

  1. Very funny. Sounds like Dip has a little cat mixed in. That would certainly make the sacrifice legit.

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  2. Awww. Don't sacrifice Dip. Make Dip your running partner.

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  3. That little guy has wormed his way into your heart!!

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  4. I think you better be careful or it will be Jack Sh*t on the pit lol.

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  5. I assume you'll be serving hot dogs that night?

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  6. I see you softening there Jack! Slowly loving the little guy! lol

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  7. This might be your best post ever, Jack.

    Made me laugh out loud! Also shows what real power you have over the Sh*t household. About like mine it sounds like.

    Does cooked dog make good jerky? Kinda seems like they would.

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  8. Take that minidog of yours, turn it into a 100 lbs husky x bernese, put a 110 lb doberman x labrador on the other side of the bed and you will know what it's like to sleep in my household. Oh ya, don't forget the two cats. No sympathy for ya buster.

    No morning is complete without dog hair up the nose.

    Barb

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  9. Better be careful Jack your showing your soft side!!

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  10. Hilarious post. It took me a while to get the name, though...

    "Dip" Sh*t?

    Totally cute dog.

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  11. Kinda like letting the peanut butter cups back into your house?

    :)

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  12. Will you be handing out invites when this day comes?

    I promise not to get under the covers unless invited. hehehe

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  13. We don't need pets; we have five kids. But that was a really, funny story. Thanks for following.

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  14. I knew you let the dogs out!!!!!!!!!!!


    I just knew.......

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  15. I told you, Hugh let the dogs out. Hugh! Hugh!

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  16. Totally loved this post. I'm a dog lover, but not those cat-sized little yippy dogs. Your progression of Dog House Rules sounds like me on a diet. Day 1. No chips, fries, candy, fast food; Day 2.Well ok fast food but only on Fridays. Day 3 Well I'm going to have cake/candy/cookies at work - but only on celebration days (everyday someone's havin' something) Day 4 I can eat chips during every month with an "R" in it.......and so it goes

    Keep 'em coming Jack

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  17. I don't vote for sacrifice. Sell Dip to Taco Bell as their new spokesperson. Or spokesdog. Or whichever.

    Awesome.

    -jafg

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  18. Pisa Sh*t, Anita Sh*t. Nice! What happened to Holie, Fulla, Giva and Bull?

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  19. Am I to assume you will be serving your Dip with....chips?

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  20. It's cute an all but any animal that bounces when it barks isn't a real dog.

    That day you could always celebrate by playing some catch with him... he's football sized anyway.

    And remember that loosing flea sized poundage is the Foolsfitness way!-Alan

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  21. Poor wee dog! I have 2 you can have if you ever need replacements. Big ol' pit bulls! They wont give you ANY problems.........LOL!

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  22. Hot Dog! No, too many calories...

    I know, I know...get Dip a cat to play with...then you will know my pain....

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  23. Awww, poor puppy. I vote no! But seriously, they let your family bring back a stray dog from Mexico? That sounds, um, like it wouldn't be allowed.

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  24. LMAO - I can read your post over and over and laugh my ass off.... your post = good exercise... So funny "Dip's Bitch" that was the all time best comment ....:)

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  25. I'm glad to see you stood your ground! :-)

    Too bad Dip couldn't pay the bills - oh wait, that's something I bet you could get him not to do.

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  26. OH, I love this story! Don't know if you read my bday post for my dad but you sound just like him! We would bring home animals all the time when I was young. He would say NO NO NO!!! Who ended up loving these animals more than anyone? My dad!!!

    I love DIP already!

    THX for the story!!!

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  27. thanks for my daily chickle!

    you know, when that day comes, it's going to be

    "spare the dog, now where's that cat?"

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  28. So then I guess you're going to be having a Bark-B-Que, huh? Should I bring some mayolicious potato salad?

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  29. You have great commenters! Almost as witty as you, Mr. Sh*t.

    Don't be surprised if someone reports you to PETA.

    Loved your radio interveiw. Great job to both of you.

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  30. Oh my gosh, you had me cracking up! Loved that one!

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  31. That's too funny! :) I think any pet owner can relate to this one. When I was growing up, my Dad woke up one morning and walked by my brother's room to see my brother sleeping on the floor and the dog sprawled out on the bed. Funny how that works!

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  32. Haha started laughing as soon as I saw the title...

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  33. Lol! And you'll of course have to post a video of you sacrificing Dip.

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  34. I'm a dog lover and could totally relate to this post! Poor Dip!

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  35. It's a dog eat dog world.
    And at the Sh*t house, it appears you're wearing MILK BONE underwear.

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  36. I have a feeling that by the time you reach that goal, Dip will have perverted that rule and the one with the date with the fire pit will be your first-born. Dogs have a way of worming their way into your life like that, I'm learning too.

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  37. jack you slay me. i love how you can even make a dog's date with a fire pit funny. thanks for being ever positive, and charming.

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  38. Okay, but I bet when that day comes ol' Dip will be spared, but the neighbor's cat better watch out!

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  39. Touch one hair on that precious, precious little head and YOU will be what's for dinner. :)

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  40. Hilarious post (and comments) too!! Thanks for a great laugh of the day. Dip Sh*t is awesome!!!!!

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  41. I can't stand these dogs around here either. Especially that little short one with the four inch factory drop and ears almost as long as his limbs. ;-) He kind of reminds me a little of myself. He's a thinker, not a barker. But when he has an opinion, he'll let you know.

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  42. I support whatever you decide to do with Dip. He's been pushing his luck for too long now...and your success is far more important.

    OK---I can't pretend not to care...
    Don't do it Jack! I can't see cute little dip sacrificed. Use my dog "Scooby" instead.

    You're fun.
    Sean

    There. I feel better.

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  43. This is just awesome. What a cute dog! We all get our motivation from somewhere!! ;)

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  44. does fitday have a ground dog ratio report?? what about fat to protein content???

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  45. LOL! Poor puppy!

    I happen to have one of those flea bags too, so I know exactly how those proclamations about what they are allowed to do go.

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  46. Oh Jack, you are SO in control of that house.
    That Brazillion Demigod might be pissed when you declare that 'no dogs shall be sacrificed unless they are hot dogs'. lol

    Thanks for the laugh.

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  47. Oh. My. God. That was hilarious and so sweet. Thanks for the hearty laughs (I think I snorted!) xo

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