Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Making My Move On My Skinny Jeans


Hey, baby. I haven’t seen you around in forever. You’re still looking fine. Look at that sweet ass on you. I can’t believe it’s been so long since we’ve been together, baby. You shouldn’t have been in hiding away, sweetheart; you look so good you should be strutting your stuff out on the street. Man, I’d love to take you to my office and show you off to all my co-workers. I told ‘em all about you, but they think you don’t really exist. They think I just made you up.


We had some good times didn’t we? I remember the first time I laid eyes on you, baby. Remember? It was at that store in the mall, you hanging out in the corner with all your friends. You didn't even know I existed, am I right? Well, I wasn’t sure you were right for me, either, but we got together and…well, it was magic. All I remember is that I couldn't keep my hands off of you. Remember what that sales clerk said to me: “Why don't you two get a dressing room?” We were so crazy. And remember what I said to you later that right when I was gettin' it on with you? “I can’t believe this sh*t!”

It’s true: I couldn’t believe that sh*t. I just couldn’t believe that we were so right for each other, because just a few months earlier I wouldn’t have had the nerve to even try to get together with you. Even if I'd screwed up the courage to try, it wouldn't have worked out. Not then anyway...

But we did get together, didn't we? I still have pictures of the two of us, and while it may sound a tad vain, man, we looked good together.

That whole year we were inseparable, you and I. Where I went, you were sure to go as well. We had some good times… parties, concerts, staying out with friends, spending time just the two of us. And then… well…

Look, baby. I can’t explain why I left… or why I was gone for so long. It don’t make no sense, me leaving you the way I did. Yes, there were others but they were so big and ugly, not svelte and fine like you. I promise you, baby, I was thinking about you the whole time I was with those others. I was thinking of how good the two of us were for each other, how right it was when we were together. Of course, I mean that, baby. I mean it with all my heart. I threw those others outta my house as soon as I could, and now I’ve come back to you. Only you.

And this time, I promise I won’t ever leave you again.

51 comments:

  1. Until you move onto a sleeker model!

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  2. I said that to so much of wardrobe and then threw it out on it's ass - there's a big discard pile in front of my wardrobe, while I sit and stroke the smaller, shinier stuff that's in my wardrobe .... soon though ... soon that'll be out of there too .... mwah ha ha ha ...

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  3. This reminds me of the Levis I used to wear in high school and college. Size 28 in my 501s. I don't know what size that translates to in women's clothing, but what a memory.

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  4. LMFAO LMFAO- choked on my coffee enjoying this post. Thanks for a super creative post!

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  5. I just started following. LOVE IT!

    (found you from the funny comments you leave the lovlies I already read)

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  6. You better throw in roses and a home-cooked meal while you're at it.

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  7. you definitely brought a smile to my day. and even a giggle. where do you come up with this stuff? i just want to walk around in your brain for a day.

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  8. Don't forget the candles while you're at it!
    Too funny!
    Glad to know that I'm not the only one talking to my skinny jeans though!!!

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  9. Love it.

    Did you save at least one of the biggest for the mandatory "big pants" after shot? If not, you could just go to a store and hold up one of those I guess.

    My best
    Sean

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  10. hilarious, as per the usual...we all have those skinny jeans we long to get back with!

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  11. I read the whole post in my best Lou Rawls voice. Which isn't good, but still, it just seemed right. You are amazing Jack, and I am very happy for the two of you.

    And this twitter of yours just made me spit on my laptop:

    "I'm not really that worried about this upcoming semester, but maybe that's because I graduated 25 years ago."

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  12. Brilliant as usual.

    Just don't let them know you've been eying an even younger and skinnier pair.

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  13. OMG!! You are so creative. Loved your post. I can't wait until I can have that conversation with some of my fav clothes.

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  14. OMG...you're channeling Barry White! And you're better at that than I am at being a rapper.

    Congrats on getting into those jeans. When they are too big for you, parting will be such sweet...well...sweet.

    In the meantime...live in the now and enjoy your hard fought victory.

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  15. how long has it been, Jack? and how long do you intend on staying with her before you part again, never to return?

    I have a pair of size 29 button fly levi's from grade 20 yrs ago taunting me.

    I did try on my favourite old jean dress yesterday, fit perfectly. It's been a couple years for us too. :)

    LOVE THIS post.

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  16. LMAO. Need I even comment? It seems like I always say the same thing!

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  17. Bravo Jack...another incredibly creative and ear-to-ear grin post....you are tooooo cool. :)

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  18. Mine are screaming to get out from the bottom of a plastic bin in my closet. I was reminded (by Shelley's post this morning) to let them out and hang them up. If they are in my way every day, I will remember to rekindle our lost love. :)

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  19. As much as I like your posts, that is not my favorite thing about you or why I read you.

    I love the comments you leave on other blogs. You can be funny, crazy and offensive, and sweet on here, but you are so incredibly supportive of your community!

    Bravo!

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  20. I am with Mr. AntiJared.....your posts are great, but I always look for the comments you as well.

    Again, you were spot on with this post!

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  21. Awwwww. Thats the only thing I can think of to say. AWWWW. OH, and congrats!!

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  22. It's been so long since I had a pair of skinny jeans. Ah well I guess when the time comes I'll snag one of my daughter's jeans. I'm sure they won't mind!

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  23. Isn't there some kind of "Cash for Clunkers" program for fat jeans?

    I think they call it "Cash for Chunkers".

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  24. Talk sweet to 'em baby. They'll come back to you. *wink*

    Btw, we totally think alike. Look at the post I made to my favorite ice cream.

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  25. For some reason, I'm hearing Barry White in the background. LOL

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  26. I cut all my old "lovers" up and made a blanket out of them. Now they're folded up in the trunk of my car, waiting for a picnic.

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  27. Promises, promises. You know you'll be moving on to some new tiny little things soon enough.

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  28. Cash for chunkers....ROFL....that is a program consignment shops could run....funny.

    Great post..and, yes, definitely I heard a Barry White voice while reading. :) Smiles.

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  29. You're one smooth talker, Jack Sh*t!

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  30. "Remember what that sales clerk said to me: “Why don't you two get a dressing room?” We were so crazy."

    This line made me spit out my seltzer!

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  31. Friggin funny!!!! Hey, haven't you hear that skinny jeans can cause infertility & all kinds of leg numbness & probs for women too!! I did a post on it quite a while a go but it has cropped up in the news again!!!

    I guess I am lucky I can't wear them!!! :-)

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  32. H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!

    You made me snort out loud! DAMN YOU! It was not attractive. Seriously, Jack!

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  33. Love this! Love that a guy calls them "skinny jeans" too!

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  34. You know, she saw you go into the GoodWill - whoring yourself around with those tramps in the 40" waist section. You can tell her that you didn't get into those britches, that you were just tryin' em on for size - but ya did.

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  35. Can't believe you didn't start this post with "It was a dark and stormy night....."
    I just love your sh*t.

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  36. I wish you and Jean a short but enjoyable fling, before you move on to a smaller, younger, prettier trophy replacement.

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  37. Haha once again you made me laugh out loud!

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  38. Blue Jean Porn
    ...featuring Barry White

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  39. If I were Jean, I wouldn't trust you. The moment you can, you'll trade her for a better pair... :)

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  40. This is the greatest thing I've read all week. /sigh... I love and miss my skinny jeans too!

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  41. You have me bustin' a gut - that's HUGE. Don't cheat again and baby won't leave you. So glad you found your way back to each other.

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  42. hmm. youve read my blog and know that my issue and rock bottom was not being able to fit into my fave pair of skinny jeans. i now feel i must dedicate a post to those beautiful jeans. yeah. thats next.

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  43. I really felt as if I were reading a trashy romance novel. :D *giggling still*

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  44. This comment has been removed by the author.

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