I ran across these little ditties the other day, from a collection of business poems I penned called Memos Are Read, Violets Are Blue, and I thought I’d share them with you because… well, just because. A while back, I started doing these silly little office-themed rhymes, thinking that I might be able to figure out something to do with them. I even got a cartoon buddy to illustrate some of them.
This was before I discovered the magic of blogging, so what happened was that I wrote dozens of them, they sat there and then I eventually moved on to something else. I don’t know what I was thinking when I did ‘em or where exactly I thought the market was for business poetry, but they made me chuckle something fierce when I found them again. Here’s a sampling…
Two Drops of Coffee
Something sinister is brewing here,
Something evil, if I may say so.
There’s someone here who has a heart
As black as an espresso.
Someone strolls into the break room
Pours a cup with a merry whistle.
Leaves an ounce and leaves once more.
It’s grounds for a dismissal.
As I tightly grip the carafe with rage,
I wouldn’t be surprised if I shot ‘em.
This person who leaves scarcely enough
Java to cover the bottom.
Is it so hard to make more coffee?
Are you so dark and jaded
That it’s impossible for you to brew some more?
Is your soul de-caffeinated?
You people who drink all the coffee
And leave saying “Latte da.”
Remember, it’s you who’ve started it,
Who caused this brew-haha.
There… I made enough for me,
For you I’m leaving squat.
Just so you know it’s all your fault
That society’s gone to pot.
Ode to Spam
Oh Spam, Oh Spam, Oh glorious Spam
I’ve made this ode about you.
You fill my mailbox everyday.
What would I do without you?
I’ve come to count on countless mail,
Endless messages to sort through.
You’re there for me day after day after day,
With offers almost too good to be true.
You’ve got fast, easy ways for me to lose weight.
You can give me fuller and sexier lips.
You can handle all my prescription drug needs.
Not to mention the stock market tips.
I can save on gas and see webcams
From girls who couldn’t be cuter.
I can stop the ringing in my ears,
Even play slots right on my computer.
You give me credit counseling advice
So that I can always plan good (think, think).
You even offer me a sure-fire way
To greatly increase my manhood. (wink, wink).
I can register my domain…
…a university degree attain.
…get a miracle product to remove a stain
…win a trip to Madrid, Spain.
…see girls “petting” a Great Dane
…stop pop-ups that drive me insane
…get a funny t-shirt about Saddam Hussein
…free myself from arthritis pain
…get pills to stimulate my brain
…pre-paid legal counsel retain
…get names for a new sales campaign.
…donate to save the whooping crane.
…get coupons from a discount chain
…see Jack doing Jill and Jane
…play slots online again.
…a free credit report obtain
…pour my money down the drain.
To the people who send me these wondrous offers,
I just wish that one day I could meet you.
And instead of spending half my day throwing away mail,
I could go to the source and delete you.
Hey, man… I’m sorry that I’m a half hour late,
But I got caught up in “Jerry Springer.”
Hey, is that a picture of your old lady?
She really looks like a swinger.
Your daughter’s a real hottie, too.
I’d like to get to know her.
You don’t look like you’re following me, dude.
I’ll talk a little slower.
I’d really like a job here,
So I thought I’d come apply.
But I can’t start until after Friday,
I’m in court on a DUI.
And one more thing, I gotta tell ya,
The company that I choose
Will have to be cool about the way I dress
And the fact that I don’t wear shoes.
And I’m not really a morning person,
But I suppose I could be in by ten.
I’ll give you my all, but just realize,
I might call in sick now and then.
But, man… I think this could be fun.
We’d have a lot of laughs.
I only have two solid rules…
No drug tests or polygraphs.
No, man… I don’t have no resumé,
But if you need references, bro.
Talk to my Dad up on the top floor.
He’s the CEO.
Don’t make any sudden movements.
Follow me just as quickly as you’re able.
A vendor just dropped by and left
A box on the break room table.
Don’t alert the rank and file.
Don’t shriek or raise a cheer.
Let’s go before the others realize,
We’ve got some pastries here.
Lift the top very gingerly.
Let’s see exactly what we’ve got.
Oh my…. two dozen doughnuts,
Fresh and piping hot.
Look at those beautiful things,
See the glaze sparkle and glitter.
Look at all those chocolate ones,
And is that an apple fritter?
Oh no, the aroma just got out.
It’s wafting through the office.
Oh my… look out… here they all come.
No… please…please…please…GET OFF US!
No bathrobe, no flip-flops, no tank tops at all.
No t-shirt you got from that Irish pub crawl.
No shoes without socks, no socks without shoes.
No scrubs that they wear on the hospital crews.
And those ripped up blue jeans? No way, José.
What’s the deal with calling this Casual Day?
5 O’clock Dash
Four fifty five, she begins her routine,
She starts to shut drawers and to slam things.
At four fifty-six she starts stretching out,
Loosening her ankles, her calves and her hamstrings.
At four fifty-seven, she shuts down her computer,
Drops the out-going mail in its pouch.
At four-fifty-eight, she locks her file cabinet,
Ties her shoes then drops down in her crouch.
At four fifty-nine she glances at the clock one more time,
Determination in her eyes as she checks it.
It’s 5 o’clock now… please, whatever you do…
Don’t get between her and the exit.