Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Weight Loss Fortune Cookies


  • You will make a name for yourself. Unfortunately, that name will be “Chunky-Style.”
  • “Well done” is better than “well said,” but not as good as “medium rare”.
  • Soon life will become more interesting (you have a weigh-in coming up, right?)
  • The first person gets the oyster, the second person gets the shell. Plus, oysters are only 1 point for a half cup.
  • Tonight you will be blinded by passion…and the onset of diabetes.
  • You have a shrewd knack for spotting untruths. Oh, and you look really skinny today.
  • You have exceeded what was expected. Of course, we didn’t expect very much.
  • You will soon be coming into a fortune… cookie.
  • You will soon be surrounded by good friends and laughter. Oh yeah, and your pants will split.
  • Your difficulties will strengthen you. Expect to be really, really super strong.
  • Your ideals are well within your reach. Your weight loss goals? Not so much.
  • Your infinite capacity for patience with your diet will be rewarded in an infinite amount of time.
  • Your life will get more and more exciting. Hint: This isn’t a good fortune.
  • Your love of life is only exceeded by your love of bacon.
  • Avoid taking unnecessary risks… and eating unnecessary chips.
  • You are at a crossroads. On one side is serenity and inner peace. On the other side is a strip mall with a Cinnabon.
  • If you don't have time to live your life now, when will you?

Thanks (I think) to Kelly at Happy Texans for inspiring this particular round of nonsense. Oh, and thanks to Kelly and the rest of you losers (I mean that in the "weight loss" sense) that made me get on the scale and see that I'd gained .8 lbs. after my salt-packed weekend.

21 comments:

  1. Where do you come up with this stuff? lol

    This is hilarious! I love all your lists. :)

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  2. LOL Thanks for indulging me. Those were fantastic as usual.

    Did any one else ever do the juvenile add "in bed" at the end of the fortunes? It's something we did in high school but it still gets a good chuckle sometimes.

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  3. when I go to the mall- I hold my breath when I walk ( very fast) past cinnabon. Ahhh the good old days of eating one of those till I felt like barfing! Oh wait- I DONT miss it! lol

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  4. Funny as usual. But now I'm craving freaking Chinese and I'm not that fond of the stuff. Grrr!!

    Just got to keep saying...my tilapia is just as good and delicious. My tilapia IS just as good and delicious. My tilapia is JUST as good and delicious.

    Now the kids are looking at me funny. :)

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  5. LOL! Loved this post!! Thanks for the laugh today!

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  6. Avoid taking unnecessary risks… and eating unnecessary chips in bed.
    Yes Kelly! :-)

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  7. I love this one...

    Tonight you will be blinded by passion…and the onset of diabetes.

    It's funny and slightly sick! Just how I like em

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  8. I am going to say it...David Letterman's Top 10 Lists sucks compared to your lists! You should see if he's hiring. lol.

    Thanks for you comments and your encouragment. It's good to laugh.....it is the best medicine. You could be the Laugh Doctor, or Doctor Laugh...you choose.

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  9. That .8 will come back off, drink that water. Love your lists as usual.

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  10. "You are at a crossroads. On one side is serenity and inner peace. On the other side is a strip mall with a Cinnabon."

    This was the definitely the downside of mall-walking to escape the rain today!

    As far as "Murder Park" goes? Excellent point, sir. It's that sort of lack of creativity on my part that keeps me from being a sh*tty blog award contender! =P

    Love your post, as always.

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  11. Ha, I fancy a Chinese meal now...

    well done on facing those scales, 0.8 lb will be knocked off next week along with several whole lbs too!

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  12. your posting is really informative, and that's really usefull for me, actually I have the related blog like you, I hope you can check on www.weight-loss-blogs.blogspot.com, I hope it will be usefull for u.

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  13. Tomorrow is my weigh day.. and a smile will be there regardless. I loved those fortunes.. especially the last one~!

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  14. pshhh .8's nothin' :) sometimes salt is worth it, haha.

    i love that your blog just made me laugh out loud (in the real literal sense) 3 separate instances. thanks!

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  15. .8 will be off before you know it! Just drink lots and lots of water to flush it out.

    Yet another great post. This is my most fav line: Your difficulties will strengthen you. Expect to be really, really super strong.

    Classic.

    ~Wendy

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  16. Oh my gosh; you have got the funniest blog. I found yours when I was reading comments over at Ace's blog. The lyrics (on your profile page) are hysterically funny....it took me a moment to realize that they are set to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies!! I now am humming that tune in my head, but your lyrics are there instead! :)

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  17. He he! Just "discovered" your blog and this post had me laughing til tears ran down my face! I love your sense of humour- totally original!
    Pauline in Australia "O)

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