Friday, June 12, 2009

Pomegranate Juice, the World’s Most Perfect Weight Loss Drink

When some nice lady at POM Wonderful offered to send me–for free—some pomegranate juice and assorted pomma-propaganda about its “so-called” health benefits, I was a wee bit skeptical.

I don’t intend to use this space as a means for companies to promote their various goods and services. I don’t want any apparel companies sending me any shirts (XXL) or running shoes (size 13). Don’t send me your fancy Wii games or exotic snack products (email me for address)… and expect a glowing review. Don’t be influenced by the fact that the POM Wonderful people sent me some samples and I concluded, without any undue influence from them, that pomegranate juice is the world’s most perfect weight loss drink.

Besides its awe-inspiring nutritional benefits, here’re some of my other findings…

  • Often referred to as “Nature’s Viagra.”
  • Pretty sure that it gives drinker array of super powers.
  • World’s oldest woman Emma St. Clair Augustyn credits her longevity to drinking gin & Pom every afternoon.
  • Turns bad cholesterol into magically wonderful cholesterol.
  • Is purple, God’s favorite color.
  • Ever since I started drinking it last week, haven’t had a single cavity.
  • Creates inner glow that makes hair shinier and tattoos more vibrant.
  • Cheaper, per ounce, than liquid diamonds.
  • When mixed with Red Bull, gives user “energy boost.”
  • When mixed with Jägermeister, gives user “intoxication boost.”
  • Cleopatra drank it and she was a stone cold fox.
  • Cures “thirsty mouth.”
  • Bottle doubles as sex toy.
  • If you spill it, can quickly obscure the clinical research highlights and physician references that the POM Wonderful people might have sent you.

Remember, Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit is not for sale; however, attractive leasing rates are available. Operators are standing by.


  1. "Bottle doubles as a sex toy." That's flippin' funny Jack. Thanks for the morning laugh. I needed it.

  2. Doubles as a sex toy you say???????

    Yo Pom!!

    Come see me


  3. Ok, I'm off to buy some. I'm in serious need of those super powers today!


  4. Way to pimp yourself out!

    Loved the post. Do you stay up nights thinking of these witty entires.

    I myself, liked the super power benefit. The sex toy thing just seemed wrong....and uncomfortable.

  5. Oh man, I'm still laughing over the sex toy one. You do know that your words paint a very vivid picture in the I feel kind of dirty. But I'm cool with that.

  6. You are way to funny. I'm laughing about the sex toy comment too I had to scroll back up and see for myself lol.

  7. Oh and they're sending me some next week :) Got to think about ways to use that bottle!!

  8. You are insane! Where do you come up with this shit?! Ha!

    I actually got an e-mail from the POM folks...and kind of had this funny look on my face cuz my hubby was like "you gotta fart or something?" I'm a little wary of giving out my home addy though so...yeah.

    PS: My son is not an oompa loompa! Although I've always wanted one as a pet...

  9. Pomegranates make me laugh. Or maybe it was the lady at Walmart asking the front desk if they have any pomagrams because she couldn't find anything back there except melons and she needed pomagrams.

  10. Hahaha! Best pom-related post I've seen (and man, I have seen a LOT in recent months...)

  11. hmm guess I will have to buy some of that.. I need some super powers...

  12. Mmmm. I love pom juice. Adds yum to a kick ass smoothie. And pomegranates are delicious too, despite those annoying little seeds in the arils.

    Frankly, I'm jealous. Product reviews would be so much fun! Guess that's the downside of blogging about boring sh*t.

    Keep up the awesome. =)

  13. Well, I expect this from Jack, but SpunkiSuzi!!! :-)

  14. LOL at the sex toy comment. Great post.

  15. All day, I've been imagining this scene where the president of POM Wonderful is dressing down some junior lackey for sending me a case of their juice.

    "Did you not read any of his posts?" he yells at the startled employee. "Did you not read his stupid bio. What did you think he was going to write?"

    And am I really the only one that's ever looked at that bottle and thought "sex toy"?

  16. It is tasty. I am older than I thought. I see only pain as a sex toy, so I must not be "getting it". Oh well, I had to have my kids explain the tea bagging fiasco to me, I was/am to old to get that one too.
    I am willing to have it explained, I pride myself on keeping an open mind.

  17. GREAT! My 17 yr old is drinking it like its going out of style - now I have to wonder if its for the bottle or the viagra affect! Hmm, I think I'll go with the super powers.

  18. "Bottle doubles as sex toy" LOL!!! I'll never be able to look at another bottle of POM without blushing.

  19. You had me at natures viagra!! Yummy, i wanna try, might go look for some.

  20. I was offered that deal a few months back and my cynical mind took it for some kind of pomegranate-shielded terroristic pyramid scammish plate of spam.

    Damn. I could have a whole case of disposable sex toys...

  21. LOL at the sex toy! Um, ouch?!

    POM juice is great stuff, especially made into a spritzer with diet 7up.

  22. I'd better go get some. I want to look like Cleopatra! I'm sure the POM execs are just totally thrilled about your endorsement! ;-)

  23. Oh my goodness Jack, you've done it again! Just say "sex" and "toy" in the same blog and you've activated the masses! Another great post!

  24. I've used this as an anal sex toy and it feels awesome


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