Friday, September 11, 2009

Swimming Back

I really thought I was going to drown.

I don’t know how old I was, 11 or 12 maybe. My little league baseball team was celebrating the end of the season with a boating trip out on the lake with the coaches. The boat was anchored in a quiet spot and the kids were all shooed off the deck to swim.

One of the kids pointed out a rocky island off in the distance and everyone decided that it would be a super-smart idea to swim for it. I don’t know how far it was from the boat, but I would conservatively estimate that it was fifty miles. At least that’s what it felt like as I was furiously splashing towards it. I was a pretty good athlete, but swimming wasn’t my strong suit. My arms and legs were longer than almost all my teammates, but my swimming stroke seemed to have a hole in it. I was going nowhere fast.

While I was struggling to make my way, some of the kids had already made it to the rocks and were jumping around on them, egging on the others to hurry. It wasn’t a huge surprise that Mark Sh*tz was bringing up the rear, even slower than the special-needs kid that played right field.

About the time I got fifty yards or so from the rocks, I started feeling a little better since it looked like I was finally going to make it. However, I guess the coaches ran out of beer at that point and noticed that the tadpoles had gotten out of the bucket. They started hollering like crazy, and let me tell you something: our crazy coaches could holler. Our team won first place in the league for two basic reasons (1) our coaches were especially proficient at hollering and (2) our pitcher was already shaving at 13 years old.

So all the guys jumped back in the water and started swimming, porpoise-like as I recall, back to the boat. They all shot past me and I looked longingly at the rocks; I wanted to go grab a quick rest, but I was conditioned to move when coaches holler. So I turned and started… well, I can’t technically call what I was doing “swimming”… but I continued doing whatever it was I was doing, except now I was doing it a little slower and a little more panicky than before.

It seemed endless, and I remember the hot sun beating down on me and the ill-fitting vest slipping around on me with virtually every stroke. I tried to swim on my back, but wound up going in tiny circles. A couple of my teammates finally swam back to help and the coaches continued with their enthusiastic hollering. To this day, I don’t really like it when people yell at me.

I have a greater appreciation for waterways these days, as well as a better sense of my own limitations. I guess what got me reminiscing about this story was that I was thinking about how I’ve always had some kind of internal clockwork that triggers a panicked burst of weight-loss energy if I get within spitting distance of 300 pounds.

For me, that mark has some kind of deep voodoo power, and going over it would mean perhaps swimming too far from the shore to ever safely make it back. I know in the rational part of my brain that that's simply not true, but it's probably a good thing that I believe it.

I follow a lot of weight loss bloggers who have crossed that border and several more beyond. They've drifted almost beyond sight, and I know that for some of them, the situation seems beyond hopeless, like a child adrift in a lonely lake. Some of these folks are treading water still, some seem to be lost at sea and some are busy swimming back for all they’re worth.

I feel for anyone who finds him or herself in that situation… dazed, disoriented and not quite sure they have the strength to make that long, long swim to safety.

I’ll tell you this though: blogging about your situation–being honest about what you’re doing and where you’re headed–that’s your safety vest, my friend. The lifeline that can sustain you when your limbs are weary and your will is weak.

And we’ll help you, those folks who have moved into more manageable waters. After all, I can tell you from personal experience that a helping hand is more welcome in this situation than any amount of hollering will ever be.

44 comments:

  1. Moving into the manageable waters is a great phrase because even once we've moved into them, it still takes managing the daily struggles! Sometimes a hand extended is much appreciated!

    I think this may be my favorite post of yours yet. The others are fabulous, but this one resonates with me.

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  2. I agree with Diane's comment. Even when you think you are in those calm waters of maintenance, there sometimes is a strong undercurrent that wants to knock you off your feet, and finding those helping hands of support is exactly what you need! Great post Jack...one of your best ever!

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  3. Rings true here too. Greatness.

    All I can think about is the line from the Head East song - Never Been Any Reason.
    "Save my life I'm going down for the last time"

    Thanks for the earworm, buddy.

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  4. Thanks Jack - this one is what I needed to hear today. But not just for me as a fatass, or trying to support others in their weight loss journey, but also as a mom. I have a son who is bright and soulful and intense and absolutely delicious, and also very very very strong-willed. And I often struggle with how to help shape that into confidence and independence and wonderful things. And my daily failure in that regard is when I holler.

    So I'll come back and read this again, and maybe read it with my husband, too. Because you're right. You're absolutely right.

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  5. You're 300 is what 250 was to me. I always told myself I'd never let myself get there and sure enough, one day the scale said 251. And then Not Just Celery was born!

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  6. Ugh I just realized I mis-used "you're"...oops!

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  7. Ok so I never comment on your blog but I look forward to reading it everyday! Today's post was something that I needed to hear. I have just started on this journey and I have stalled at 16.2 loss. I have been here for 3 weeks and I have no idea why. I have never stalled this bad. I feel like I am slowly drowning one bad bite at a time!

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  8. Really well-written and moving. And I'm pissed at your coaches. Ignorant bastards.

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  9. I have that fear of finishing and getting to the end. I do well and begin to sabotage myself.

    This week I joined WW. This week I decided not to focus on the end result but the process and journey. I realize if I just keep doing the process the end result will happen, but if I only focus on the process, I won't be scared of sabotaging self. I don't know if that makes any sense...

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  10. You need to cash in on these ideas. A whole line of JSGF Life vests, life preservers, lifeguard whistles...the possibilities are ENDLESS!

    Ok seriously, this was a great post. Some people do not want to be helped...they want to sink because they do not want to conquer their demons. A weight loss journey for me was not about a diet, more about changing the way I looked at food, and being truthful with myself about all of the binge eating I was doing. I'm not saying I wont lend a hand-but I've been blogging long enough to know who keeps drowning time and time again.

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  11. Beautifully and movingly expressed. Thank you. I hate being yelled at too.

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  12. I wish I had had that pancked burst of energy. I remember trying to jumpstart diets at 300...325...350...

    It's a long swim for sure, and without that life vest, near impossible for meny of us.

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  13. I like where you took this post. Don't get me wrong, I would have loved a parody of 'Under the Sea', but this was simply moving.

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  14. What a fantastic, thoughtful and thought-provoking post.

    really excellent :-)

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  15. I agree - hollering is not as effective as coaxing and helping.

    Great post, Mark. I mean, Jack!

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  16. As much as I like your silly posts - I love your serious ones. This one is very true - nice writing Mr S. Sometime's it's no good yelling back at someone that they can do, you actually need to go take their hand and walk the difficult times with them. In a metaphorical blogging kind of way.

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  17. I remember in swim class they taught us to tread water with our clothes on. It was tough but I'm glad I learned - just in case. Losing weight is tough too but I'm glad I'm learning to shed the pounds and swim towards healthy.

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  18. I'm not crazy about water, so this post was a bit terrifying, but the analogy was terrific. Thanks. And it's so true about having helping hands giving you that support that so many of us need. Really great post.

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  19. There certainly is a lot of splashing and floundering in this gig.

    Great post. I love helping. :D

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  20. I agree. Although I could use a little yelling from-time-to-time. "Hey...flabby...suck it up and do another set of twenty. Arrrgggggghhhhh!!!!!!"

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  21. Taking it one day at a time is all we can do but the welcoming support of a helping hand always makes us feel like we are worth it.
    Thank you for this post!

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  22. I read your blog every day but I don't know what to add as a comment. Can I just say "ditto" like Rush's callers do?

    Or I guess it should be "Sh*tto" :P

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  23. I loved this post.

    The 300 pound mark has always been sort of a scary "Watch that number" mark for me. But people do go beyond it, and they do get back. Everyone, I think, has a number. There are plenty of people who have 200 as that number. Honestly, I think people sort of develop a "just a little worse than I am would be way too bad," and that the actual number is irrelevant.

    I don't know, I'm going off on tangents now. Mostly, I wanted to say that this was a powerful and well written post.

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  24. I hear you, for sure. I was definitely in the middle, treading water, earlier this week. But I've got a good pace going now, and I think I'll make it back to the boat!

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  25. Ive tread water and have gone under so many times before. Now though, Im steadily making my way to the rocks........but I have to thank you and all the other weight loss (and non weight loss) bloggers out there who keep encouraging me to stay on course and not give up!
    Thanks Jack!!!!

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  26. Beautiful imagery dude and a great post. I was over that line, and I'm glad I'm far far away from it now.

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  27. This is a very thoughtful post and I especially like your conclusion. The help that my fellow bloggers have offered has been absolutely invabuable to me thus far.

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  28. All I can say is that you are friggin amazing Jack. You brought tears to my eyes with your story & then the follow up point! Thank you for being there for yourself & others!

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  29. As someone who has seen both the managable waters, the choppy waters, and the deep dark depths.. I really appreciate this post. The metaphor of fitness and water really does hold true.. you never stop swimming..

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  30. Thank you for this post ... it's nice to be reminded that there are other people out there losing weight and that they know the struggles that you're facing/going through ... and that they are rooting you on just as you are doing for them!

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  31. Amen brother....every time I read one of the more serious, motivating posts, it just gets my motor running! Weight loss motor, that is...thanks Jack! You're the best. :)

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  32. A few years ago I completed a Danskin Triathlon. For the swim portion, they had "swim angles" in the water to encourage and assist any weaker swimmers.

    No matter where you are on this wt loss journey, I consider each and everyone of you in this blogging community one of my "swim angels"

    Another excellent, touching post; Thanks Jack.

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  33. Great post Jack. Just what we needed to hear.

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  34. theres this tipping point i reached. i had always loved walking, hiking, sometimes everyday. even while walking a great dane 30-45min a day i still had gotten to almost 260lbs eating dougnuts,chips, soda.

    my tipping point was realizing i was about to lose my ability to hike or even walk with any pleasure whatsoever. injuries started, disability loomed.

    yelling didnt pull me back from the edge, just reading information on the net that gave me a path of weight loss. concrete wisdom and hope hope,,,glad i found it!

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  35. I used to have 200 has that number...then I got pregnant at 190 and got to 210. After that it was 220 etc. I stopped it at 262.4 lbs. Even there I almost felt it was impossible. With God, all things are possible. Good post.

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  36. As per usual....love you! Love the post. Thanks. I'm in an undercurrent right now...its gotta end soon.

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  37. Love the serious stuff.

    Agree with everything everyone has added to this thoughtful post.

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  38. Great post. Currently the voices in my head are your coaches and i am on my back going in circles... LOL love your blog :)

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  39. there is a great community of bloggers out there that are more than willing to toss a line out, I'm grateful to have found them. and you are a part of it, thank you for being out there. There's a lot of us out there who look like ducks on a pond-calm above the water but paddling like crazy below. thanks for the life line jack!

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  40. Perfect analogy. I am still swimming...

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