Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts

Thursday, August 9, 2012

More Weight Loss Jingles

Alka-Sweatzer

You worked too hard.

You ate too much.

The cheesecake’s made you flabby.

Let your aching head and stomach
,
Hear this message from old Jacky.



(Sung)

I’ll-get-sweat-tee.
Pump, pump.
Fizz fizz.
I’m a hard-working workout whiz.

Pump, pump,

Fin-ished!

Oh, what a relief it is!


Gimme a Break!
Gimme a break,

Gimme a break,

Break my finger if I try to eat a Kit Kat bar.


On the Label, Label, Label
If it says cornsyrup, cornsyrup, cornsyrup,

On the label, label, label.

You should avoid it, avoid it, avoid it.

If you’re able, able, able.

Health It Our Way
Hold the mayo, eat more lettuce.

Fast food restaurants sure don’t get us.

All we ask is that you let us

Health it our way..
.
(Chorus)
Health it our way!

Dr. Blogger
I’m a blogger, he’s a blogger, she’s a blogger.

We’re a blogger, wouldn’t you like to be a blogger, too?

I’m a blogger he’s a blogger’ she’s a blogger 

We’re a blogger, wouldn’t you like to be a blogger, too?




THE DAILY SCALEY
I said I need a scale technician to come out RIGHT AWAY!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Losing Ass And Taking Names

I make no bones about it: blogging has been an instrumental part in my getting-more-healthy plans.

I get more than my fair share of support from the masses with fat asses, so I like to return the favor when I can.

So… tell me about you and your blog (if you have one). Where are you on your journey? Any big (or little) successes along the way that you'd care to share? What setback (or speed bump) is slowing you down?

And thanks again for supporting me the way you do (if you do) and for helping keep me interested in what I’m trying to do.


THE DAILY SCALEY
 
I found another gear, baby  (unfortunately, it's "neutral")


Monday, April 9, 2012

OMFGHIFJKMNOP! This is a Weight Loss Blog!

I began this blig-bloggity blog three years ago because, quite frankly, ummmm… I can't remember why.



I'm assuming it had something to do with the fact that I had found myself on the losing side of the Battle of the Bulge. 



Anyway, I somehow stumbled into this kooky blogging community and decided to set up shop.



Those were the salad days, my friend,  both because the act of writing about my weight loss journey seemed to enthuse and energize me and because... well... I was eating a lot of salad.

I lost a hellacious amount of weight, maintained that loss for a while and then… well, let us just say “mistakes were made”.

Blogging is a fat-free, low-cal pleasure for me, but I have to say that it’s been falling a little flat in the accountability department of late.

So I decided that no matter what manner of nonsense I slap up on this page, I need to end each post with a look-see on where I am on this quest to weigh less. I’m calling it The Daily Scaley. Let’s see how low I can make this thang go!

THE DAILY SCALEY
 It's on like Donkey Kong!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

The Orifice

So how I normally blog goes something like this…

I zone out while I’m jogging on the treadmill (or treading on the jogmill), and come up with a ridiculous idea for a blog post, such as a parody of the TV show The Office where all the characters are renamed stupid stuff like Slim Halpern (no… wait… make that “Heartburn”) or Diet Schroot.

Then I spend an hour or so jotting down ideas, funny snips of dialog (“That’s what she ate…”)  and some kind of outline for a little story. I also spend a little time trying to figure out a way to shoehorn a tiny amount of actual relevant health information into it somewhere.

Then I spend a couple of hours turning all these pieces into a blog post. I spend a lot of nights sitting in my TV room (“The Spicy Crib”) with a laptop in my lap writing and rewriting. I’ve convinced myself I’m multitasking, hanging out with my daughter Pisa and blogging, but what I’m doing is spending a lot of time on my ass, my heart rate at a bare minimum.

Don’t get me wrong: I love putting together these posts. And on some level, they do help keep me focused on what I’m doing.

But on another level, I’m coming to the realization that I’m spending more and more time on blogging than on what I’m really blogging about (“getting fit”).

I spiked my “Orifice” post and wrote this in 15 minutes.

Now I’m about to hop on the elliptical for the kind of workout that always leaves me hot, sweaty and satisfied.

I know, I know… that’s what she said.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Ways to Decrease Blog Traffic

Do you ever get that feeling that too many people are visiting your blog? That you’d do a little better without so many prying eyeballs oogling every damn thing you’ve got to say?

Don’t fret; I’m here to help drive down your loyal following. Follow these easy-to-implement steps and your blog will soon be an unpopular as mine…

• Stop using capitalization, punctuation and conjunctions.

• Start every post with “I don’t really have anything to say today…” and then proceed to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

• Always refer to your readers as “retards.”

• Include “fat-free” recipes, each of which start off with an entire can of Crisco.

• Cover 95% of your site with advertising.

• Choose beautiful calligraphy font and make sure it’s super-thin and tiny.

• Repeat same post every other day and see how long it takes anyone to notice.

• Hold contest where you give away some of your old underwear.

• Every post in Pig Latin.

• Download widget that makes visitor’s computer freeze up.

• Polka music that can’t be turned off.

• Jack Sh*t guest post.

Friday, July 15, 2011

First Sentences That Will Make Me Keep Reading Your Blog Post



I think the majority of blog readers have the attention span of a gnat. I know that's true for me.

However, it you start your blog post off with a little pizzazz, chances are you'll hold my interest... and that of other readers.

• My first thought when I woke up in the kiddie pool filled with banana pudding was: "Oh my God... where's my tiara?"

• You know what I always say: "The party really doesn''t get started until the police show up," and last night was no exception...

• Entering the hot-dog eating competition was probably a mistake, especially considering all the waffles I had for breakfast.


• What do you say when your boss walks in while you're taking a dump in his desk drawer?

• It was both the first time I met a celebrity and the first time I was groin-punched by a transvestite.

• 
I didn't think when the evening began that I'd be driving home pantsless.
..

• In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to adopt a baby wolverine, but he was so damn cute!

• 
I was starting to get angry and yelled at my spouse, "Who are you going to believe... me or those security tapes?"

• 
It was kind of embarrassing when, after the homeless dude pulled me out of the way of the oncoming bus, it turned out that I didn't have any spare change on me.


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Signs Social Media Is Overtaking Your Life

• You’re the Mayor of Everywhere

• The only book you read is Facebook

• You can tell your entire life story in 140 characters or less

• You have a high tolerance for poking

• You spend a lot of time worrying about being unfollowed and unfriended

• You retweet in your sleep

• You spend more time in a chatroom than in your bedroom

• You fire off 100 tweets before breakfast (including ones about what you’re having for breakfast)

• You get a Google Alert anytime anything happens anywhere

• Your laugh has become an actual LOL

• Your children know that the best way to get in touch with you is to leave a comment on your blog

• You put more thought into your profile pic than you did on what college you attended

• You are :) right now

• You’ve Skyped on the toilet

• You’ve already posted a link to this post




Friday, October 15, 2010

Ways to Make Your Blog More Interesting

  • Shower vlogging
  • Get into a bitch-slapping fight with a celebrity
  • Institute cash-for-comments program
  • Make every post title a sexual innuendo
  • Call Old Man Google and ask him about getting preferential treatment on his computer searching machine
  • Add a “-Kardashian” to your name
  • Be provocative to the point that you regularly receive death threats
  • More kitten pix
  • Make up inventious words
  • Put a lot of photos on your site, preferably of better looking people than you
  • Take bets on every weigh-in
  • Change up your meds for a week
  • Leave clues throughout your blog that lead your readers to a magical and wonderful treasure… or some coupons
  • Overcome all odds and succeed beyond your wildest imagination, then write about how you did it
  • Accent márks
  • Stop naming every post “What I Done Did Today”

Friday, September 17, 2010

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Everything You Ever Wanted to Know

Do not be afraid.

Although I am
the Yum Yucky, I will not use up your precious reading time to bitch about that meatloaf cake my husband made.

Nor will I flaunt the impressive anatomy of my double stomachs lined with steel.


As if it weren’t exhilarating enough to have a bloggasm after learning I’ll actually be meeting Jack in person at
Fitbloggin ‘11, he invited me onto the land of his precious blog-estate to talk Fit Blogger’s Guide. [insert bloggasmic-induced moans here]

If you haven’t heard of Fit Blogger’s Guide yet, think of it like this: myself and my partner, Ryan (the No More Bacon guy), have been eating up the ins and outs blogging for a few years now. We’ve learned plenty and there’s lots of new stuff hitting our brains cells everyday. So know we’re spewing out our knowledge really pretty like artwork on a canvas to bring you the “how-to” resource for health, fitness and foodie bloggers.

It’s FitBloggersGuide.com! We launch on Monday, 9/20/10.

Whether you’re a hobbyist or budding pro, there is something for everyone, at any level of blogging. We’ll help you reduce the learning curve and give you the information you need to achieve your blogging goals.

Feast on this sampling of topics:

  • Making Money
  • Blog Security
  • News and Trends
  • Photography
  • Growing Your Blog
  • PR Communications
  • Video Tutorials
  • Social Media
  • Tech
  • Blog Design
  • SEO
  • eBooks
  • Media Kits
  • ...and more!
There will be a BIG-time Grand Opening Giveaway to kick things off. But don’t feel scary… we will not be handing out free coupons for wart remover. This giveaway rocks! It will make your jaw drop and your eyeballs pop out.

Fit Blogger’s Guide also accepts Guest Writer submissions, so if you have health/fitness/foodie blog expertise, we invite you to apply. Follow us on Twitter, @FitBlogGuide, and reach out to us anytime! Our blog door is always open.

Disclaimer: I thank my dear Jack for the multiple bloggasmic pleasures I’ve experienced here today. ka-BOOM!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Jack Sh*tBloggin'


Here’s everything I know about FitBloggin’: ______________________.

However, when I saw that this healthy living conference was accepting applications for speakers, I decided that I’d throw my chapeau into the ring.

Planning is underway and
we’re seeking dynamic speakers like you!


I’m getting a little bit antsy that I haven’t heard back from the FitBloggin’ folks yet. After all, my application was, as the Queen of England might say, “kick-ass”…

Please use the form below to submit your session ideas.

Name:

Jack Sh*t

Blog:

Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit

Area of Expertise? * Certified trainer? Been blogging for over 5 years? Tell us what makes you special.

Online humorist who has become one of the most popular diet/weight loss/healthy living bloggers on the planet (Earth) while losing a tremendous amount (80+ pounds) of weight. I'm also a motivating motivator, innovative innovator and, though very few people know this, somewhat of a celebrity... plus I coined the phrases "hump day," "my bad" and "coin the phrase". I'm also a ventriloquist (except you can see my lips move... how do those other guys keep their lips from moving anyway?)

Sessions/Presentation Idea? * What would you like to present about? Blogging or fitness topics welcome!

• How to Be a More Creative Blogger
• Nude Zumba for Beginners
• Is Pig Latin Right for Your Blog?
• 1,001 Weigh-ins... Scaling the Unscaleable... Um... Scale
• You Know You Love It When I Talk Diet-y
• Maybe You Should Just Give Up...
• If You Think Losing Weight's Impossible, Then You Don't Know This Guy


Co-presenters names and blogs? Are there others you would like to present this topic with?

The girl that was in that movie with that dude from that TV show

Would you session require and special equipment? List anything you would require for your session if anything.

• Supremes-style trio of back-up singers (for intro song)
• Projector (for projecting)
• Roll of absorbent paper towels (for flop sweat)
• FLAMING HOOP OF DEATH (for the finalé)
• One gallon of peanut M&M's with the peanuts removed (I'm allergic)

C'mon, FitBloggin'... I'm waiting for the call!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Creativity for Bloggers

Pablo Picasso once said “Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”

I know you love it when I talk diet-y, but I’m taking a break today to address the subject of creativity, the ability to “generate innovative ideas and manifest them from thought into reality,” which is how Wikipedia describes “creativity” (I know, I know… a pretty uncreative description… I’m off to a terrible start here).

Unleashing your creative side can help you…
  • Find new solutions to problems
  • Look at things from a new perspective
  • Create new creations
  • Think more original thoughts
  • Have a little more fun
To those of us who blog, creativity can enhance our message and make us stand out from the pack, but anyone (and everyone) can benefit from incorporating a more creative approach to their worldview.

You see, I don’t believe creativity is a “got it or don’t” trait. We all were handed a pack of brand-new crayons in kindergarten. We all had a time in our lives when our imaginations ran wild and free.

Here are a few practical tips to feed the creative side that I believe still resides inside you…

Drive a different route to work/school/errands. Routine is the death-knell of creativity. We get in a rut and turn our brains off. Think back: do you remember anything about your drive today? Go a round-about way tomorrow, and don’t be surprised if your brain wakes up and starts noticing the world around you.

Dial it up a notch. I sometimes play a game called “satellite roulette” with my XM radio in the car. I spin the dial a few times and force myself to listen to whatever it lands on for at least 10 minutes. It may be a Spanish newscast or Latin reggae or techno pop, but I sit there and let it sink in. Give your brain plenty of new material to process.

Look at the world in new ways. Sit across from your desk for a morning or stand up during a phone call. Take a continuing education class or learn a new language. Go to the library and pick a couple of books at random. Go star-gazing or blueberry-picking. Cultivate an appreciation of different ways of thinking.

Cut back on the TV. Or change the way you watch it. My daughter Pisa and I have a regular nightly routine where we set up in our TV room (“The Spicy Crib”) and watch TV shows or movies that we’ve seen before. She’s got a drawing pad, doodling her doodles, and I’m pecking away at my laptop, usually churning up some new blog nonsense. We call it “watching TV,” but both of us are actively busy creating something new while we do it, not passively sitting and watching.

Become an explorer. Get out in the world and feed your creative side. Hit museums and parks, concerts and poetry readings. Try new places and new foods. Remember, the wider the lens, the better the view.

The goal is to pretend you’re ten again and haven’t forgotten how to use your imagination. Creativity is fueled by sights, sounds, smells and experiences. Sitting around won’t help you generate new ideas; trying new things and giving your brain new things to think about are what will jog your creativity.

Applying Creativity to Your Blog (and Life)

Once you’ve stirred the creative juices, there are plenty of ways to apply your super-charged brainstorming ability into your blog or other creative efforts…

Make connections. I particularly enjoy finding the connections that exist between what we’re all obsessing about (losing weight and healthy living) and other aspects of life, such as marriage, childbirth, sex, etc… or focusing the subject through the prism of an unexpected delivery method, like a fairy tale, nursery rhyme or, from time to time, a popular song. All I’m doing is making a connection between one thing and another; it’s like magic… nothing to it if you know the trick.

Ask “What if?” Those two words can unlock the gate to a whole world of creativity. Asking “what if?” can turn any idea upside down or inside out. It can completely change the landscape of what you’re working on.

Take risks. Some of the most popular blog posts I’ve written have been ones I’ve had second thoughts about publishing. Yes, there’s the possibility that you may fall on your face from time to time, but there’s a special high ground reserved for the risk-takers of the world. Remember what they say: “a ship in port is safe, but that’s not what ships were built for”.

Knock down your comfort zones. Creativity is about embracing the change that would otherwise knock you off kilter. It seems counter-intuitive, but it can greatly benefit you to challenge your everyday routine. Try working in a way that you would normally struggle with or find difficult. New answers come from new ways of thinking.

Write down every idea. Write down everything and anything that crosses your mind, even the seemingly stupid ideas. A big part of having a good idea is having a lot of ideas. Keep a running list of ideas to explore later. I’ll often start blog posts that go nowhere, so I’ll abandon them; sometimes I’ll revisit these cast-offs and find new inspiration in old ideas.

Don’t be afraid to fail. There are no mistakes, only lessons, and lessons are repeated until they are learned. Every failure is an opportunity to grow, and most will never achieve anything approaching greatness without experiencing a few setbacks along the way.

Sing in your own voice. To thine own self be true. No exceptions, no excuses.

Brains, like bodies, need regular exercise to keep fit. If you don't work out your brain, it’ll get flabby, soft and useless. Read good books, talk to clever people and don’t be afraid to disagree with others – as a matter of fact, I think I’ll go tell my wife Anita what I really think of her mother.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Building a Better Blog

Beetnik Mama at Songs About Beets recently hit me up for my blog-building secrets.

Actually, I get quite a few emails from frustrated bloggers who haven’t been able to generate a large readership, even though they feel like they’re working very hard, writing interesting content and doing all the right things to promote their blogs.

I started to do a silly post with nonsensical advice on getting new followers…
  • Institute “Cash for Comments” program

  • Live weigh-in cam

  • Somehow work it out so that when people Google “weight loss”, your site pops up first
But I get enough emails from folks who are genuinely interested in the subject and figure that I’ve somehow cracked the code. I don’t know how much more I know than you, but I’m willing to share what I’ve learned…

It all starts with comments. Just like I tell people that they can lose weight by eating less and exercising more, I firmly believe you can build a blog audience by making insightful, clever and/or thought-provoking comments on other blogs. Most people find interesting blogs by backtracking from interesting comments. (Hint: you can start by leaving a comment here today…)

It takes commitment. I’ve posted something new or semi-new every day for the past year. You don’t necessarily have to go to that extreme, but you do need to make certain that you keep things fresh on your space.

Writing counts. After I write a post, I always spend some time looking at the words and phrases and seeing if I can make any of them more interesting. Simply replacing the word “said” with “squawked” or “mumbled” or “groaned” makes a sentence more entertaining to me. I also see if I can say whatever I’m trying to say in a more concise way. Keeping things short and sweet shows consideration for your readers.

It’s not always about you. If you’re trying to build a readership, then occasionally write something that your readers can apply to their own journey. Sometimes it’s as simple as changing the point of view from “I” to “you”.

A picture’s worth a 1,000 views. Blogs that contain nothing but unbroken lines of text can be difficult to read. Think about including images, bullet points, interactive elements, multimedia content or anything else that can spice things up. And putting your face on your blog helps readers connect with you in a real and significant way.

Make a good first impression. It took me a bit to understand that titles can have a huge impact on people actually clicking on your blog. This is your opportunity to draw readers in. Remember, you may not get another opportunity…

Build a brand. Just like a product, your blog is a brand and you want people to connect to it. Keep in mind that today’s post may be the first time somebody is reading your work. For instance, whenever I work in my daughter Pisa, I always preface her name with “my daughter” for those people who have so idea who Pisa Sh*t is. Inside jokes, references to older posts and other shows of exclusivity can put off new readers, but they help build continuity and make loyal readers feel more connected to you. If you're building a new blog, or just trying to build up your traffic, it’s a good idea to write down the attributes of your personal brand… those things you’re trying to get across… and keep them in mind as you write.

Remember, building up your blog is all about providing value to your readers. Give them something that can entertain them, that can inform them, that can assist them in their journey, and it’s more likely that they’ll come back for more.

Got any other blog-building tips?
I'd love to hear what's worked for you...




Friday, September 11, 2009

Swimming Back

I really thought I was going to drown.

I don’t know how old I was, 11 or 12 maybe. My little league baseball team was celebrating the end of the season with a boating trip out on the lake with the coaches. The boat was anchored in a quiet spot and the kids were all shooed off the deck to swim.

One of the kids pointed out a rocky island off in the distance and everyone decided that it would be a super-smart idea to swim for it. I don’t know how far it was from the boat, but I would conservatively estimate that it was fifty miles. At least that’s what it felt like as I was furiously splashing towards it. I was a pretty good athlete, but swimming wasn’t my strong suit. My arms and legs were longer than almost all my teammates, but my swimming stroke seemed to have a hole in it. I was going nowhere fast.

While I was struggling to make my way, some of the kids had already made it to the rocks and were jumping around on them, egging on the others to hurry. It wasn’t a huge surprise that Mark Sh*tz was bringing up the rear, even slower than the special-needs kid that played right field.

About the time I got fifty yards or so from the rocks, I started feeling a little better since it looked like I was finally going to make it. However, I guess the coaches ran out of beer at that point and noticed that the tadpoles had gotten out of the bucket. They started hollering like crazy, and let me tell you something: our crazy coaches could holler. Our team won first place in the league for two basic reasons (1) our coaches were especially proficient at hollering and (2) our pitcher was already shaving at 13 years old.

So all the guys jumped back in the water and started swimming, porpoise-like as I recall, back to the boat. They all shot past me and I looked longingly at the rocks; I wanted to go grab a quick rest, but I was conditioned to move when coaches holler. So I turned and started… well, I can’t technically call what I was doing “swimming”… but I continued doing whatever it was I was doing, except now I was doing it a little slower and a little more panicky than before.

It seemed endless, and I remember the hot sun beating down on me and the ill-fitting vest slipping around on me with virtually every stroke. I tried to swim on my back, but wound up going in tiny circles. A couple of my teammates finally swam back to help and the coaches continued with their enthusiastic hollering. To this day, I don’t really like it when people yell at me.

I have a greater appreciation for waterways these days, as well as a better sense of my own limitations. I guess what got me reminiscing about this story was that I was thinking about how I’ve always had some kind of internal clockwork that triggers a panicked burst of weight-loss energy if I get within spitting distance of 300 pounds.

For me, that mark has some kind of deep voodoo power, and going over it would mean perhaps swimming too far from the shore to ever safely make it back. I know in the rational part of my brain that that's simply not true, but it's probably a good thing that I believe it.

I follow a lot of weight loss bloggers who have crossed that border and several more beyond. They've drifted almost beyond sight, and I know that for some of them, the situation seems beyond hopeless, like a child adrift in a lonely lake. Some of these folks are treading water still, some seem to be lost at sea and some are busy swimming back for all they’re worth.

I feel for anyone who finds him or herself in that situation… dazed, disoriented and not quite sure they have the strength to make that long, long swim to safety.

I’ll tell you this though: blogging about your situation–being honest about what you’re doing and where you’re headed–that’s your safety vest, my friend. The lifeline that can sustain you when your limbs are weary and your will is weak.

And we’ll help you, those folks who have moved into more manageable waters. After all, I can tell you from personal experience that a helping hand is more welcome in this situation than any amount of hollering will ever be.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Signs You’re Addicted to Weight Loss Blogging

  • Spouse knows easiest way to get hold of you is to leave a comment.
  • No one can eat until you’ve got the whole meal on the table and you’ve taken pictures of all the dishes.
  • You pay your internet bill before your rent or mortgage.
  • You forgot your child’s birthday, but you remembered to update your weight loss ticker.
  • Your vacation plans center around hotels that have high-speed wi-fi.
  • You can do a “word verification” in point three seconds.
  • You know what at least six people you don't know had for breakfast.
  • You’d rather lose a filling than lose a follower.
  • Anytime you see a photograph, you ask “Is this the before or after pic?”
  • You ask your doctor if he can give you something for “blogger’s block”?
  • You take a spectacular dump and think “I’ve got the subject for my next post…”
  • You get slightly aroused fiddling around with your blog layout.
  • You’ve started LOLing instead of laughing.
  • On Saturdays, you feel a little dead inside.
  • You hit “refresh” to see if anyone has left you a comment while you were reading the last comment someone left you.
  • You've already blogged about this post.

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