Day After Day

Note: Speaking of note cards, I'm just a couple of W.I.D.T.H. cards shy of another full set, so jot down your best reason for losing weight/getting fit/being healthy, take a photo and email that rascal to me at jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com (be sure to include a blog link if you want it included).

Phrases You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Doctor

• “You’re too big for a standard blood pressure test, so we’re going to have to take it rectally.”

• “Can you please put down the fudgecicle during the examination?”
  
  
• “Here’s some gastric bypass and sideshow carnival brochures.”
  
  
• “I’m writing you a prescription for a new pill that makes all food taste like cedar chips.”
  
  
• “I’m going to have to charge you for that broken scale.”
  
  
• “Your good cholesterol is bad, your bad cholesterol is worse, and your really bad cholesterol is completely out of whack.”
  
  
• “I’m writing up your case study for the new issue of Morbid Obesity Today.”
  
  
• “Dammit! I was halfway through with your breast exam before I realized this is your back!”
  
  
• “I’m sorry, but there’s no such thing as a nacho cheese IV.”
  
  
• “Now lift your chins up.”
  
  
• “Nurse… have you ever seen anybody this fat?”
  
  
• “Side effects may include one or more of the following: brain hemorrhage, oily discharge, twisty colon, explosive diarrhea and complete kidney shutdown.”
  
  
• “No more cake for you.”
  
  
• “Your blood type appears to be Rocky Road.”
  
  
• “The bad news is that the diabetes is so bad that we’re going to have to remove your legs. The good news is that somebody in the waiting room wants to buy your sneakers.”

Five Word Fitness

I love my Twitter buddies.

Whenever I throw something out there, I get the most amazing responses.

This was a spur-of-the-moment request for folks to give me their best weight loss/fitness/healthy living advice in five words exactly. I know that my readers have absurdly short attention spans, so I wanted some boiled-down messages… and that’s exactly what I got.

Enjoy!

@tisfan: French fries are NOT vegetables!
@unlikelytonyne: Eat less, get off ass.
@amerrylife: I want some bacon, please. (Mary didn't get the gist of the exercise...)
@tisfan: GET OFF THE FREAKING COUCH!
@jnonis: Really care about your future.
@nomorebacon: Believe. Believe. Believe. Believe. Believe.
@loosing_it: Stay positive with yourself daily.
@katdoesdiets: Run like someone's chasing you.
@katdoesdiets: Cookie Diet is for squares.
@SuziStorm: Beer makes you run faster.
@danitaylor615: There's never a quick fix.
@skinnyemmie: You never regret the gym.
@tidbits_of_tara: Dig deep then dig deeper .
@colbdog: Eat less and exercise more.
@jumpthedock: Weights are for girls, too!
@tidbits_of_tara: Never stop moving forward.
@katdoesdiets: Do it the hard way.
@KCLAnderson: Love and accept yourself completely
@nomorebacon: CAUTION: Bacon causes ass swelling.
@MelGetsFit: Put down the damn fork!
@CPAMom: Eat less. Work out. Water.
@chrispugh: Work hard every day, go.
@katdoesdiets: Get off your butt daily
@loosing_it: Join Twitter for healthy support.
@carlossguzman: "Shake, shake" that booty baby!
@MizFitOnline: Consistency. Consistency. Consistency. Consistency. Consistency.
@tjstestkitchen: Write it if you bite it.
@SaraGetsSkinny: Sex burns 300 calories/hr.
@ewies84: Off your ass and move!
@MelGetsFit: Food only solves hunger problems.
@SuziStorm: Sh*t, I forgot to diet.
@honoringhealth: Always listen to your body.
@chrispugh: Being healthy is a choice.
@loosing_it: Weigh. Measure. Track. Move. Repeat!
@SassySmolak: Don't whine; just do it.
@frankmcs: Go to Weight Watcher meetings.
@skinnyemmie: Remember: run your own race.
@SuziStorm: Don’t whine just drink wine.
@dorameulman: You are what you eat.
@empireofbliss: Just keep doing it, dammit!
@AHealthyDad: Don't give up on yourself.
@AHealthyDad: There is no “quick fix.”
@eternallizdom: Once you start, don't stop.
@jenniferlt: calories in < calories out.
@healthyeveryday: Get moving! Luv your body!
@InBalanceSortOf: Stop eating crappy processed food.
@tidbits_of_tara: I believe in you, move.
@secretstolosing: Don't f*ck it up, please.
@gourmetmama: Eating healthy and sweating hard .
@kmae1028: Eat. Sweat. Blog. Sleep. Repeat.
@mindfullyeating: Lifelong habits–no quick fixes.
@jeninRL: Consistency. Persistence. NEVER GIVE UP!
@foodandtherapy: Eat less and move more.
@foodandtherapy: Don't sweat the small stuff.
@mesohongry: Don't wear clothes when weighing.
@AHealthyDad: It is never too late.
@jeninRL: Run. Walk. Crawl. Just finish.
@dorameulman: Just get off your ass.
@dorameulman: You are what you eat.
@royannadawn: Stop sitting and move, dumbass.
@RonisWeigh: Live consciously and keep moving.
@amerrylife: Just go do something NOW.
@SkinnySushi: Get off of the couch.
@AHealthyDad: It is never too late.
@AnaBlackstad: Put down the damned remote.
@davesoucy: Stop eating crap. Exercise regularly.
@invincible_tara: Don't ever give up. Ever.
@foodandtherapy: Forgive yourself when you err.
@therevivalofme: Your mind is a muscle.
@foodiemcbody: Be mindful and don't suffer.
@SuziStorm: Don’t believe what JackSh*t says.
@FeedMeImCranky1: Accept it's hard. Move on.
@FeedMeImCranky1: Believe you are worth it.
@FeedMeImCranky1: Make like Darwin and evolve.
@gourmetwithme: Gym is my best friend.
@chasingthenow: Looking HOT/confident requires work.
@SouthernILPhoto: Eat less and move more.
@RetroMimi: Eat more Knox gelatin molds! (it worked in the '70's)
@BethanyBurrough: Diet soda doesn't equal healthy.
@katalisfood: Stop thinking and start doing.
@joeriddell: Don't eat donuts. Run more.
@chymerikaen: Think before you eat that.
@spamlamb: Eating's not a valid hobby.

What's YOUR best #5wordfitness advice?

Bad Wayne

Weekly weigh-in: 209.9
Loss: +3.8
Total loss: -82.1
Emotion: Out of my head

Hey fatties,

Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Bad Wayne. Every time Jack has a bad weigh-in, he runs and hides like a little bitch and let’s me run the show. Seems that some rampant snacking, a couple of restaurant outings and a few too many beers and glasses of wine caught up with his stupid ass.

Just so you know, Jack, I’m the one that picked up those cashew-almond squares at Costco, the one who wanted to have some more of that delicious bread at that fancy Italian restaurant. I’m the one who convinced you that those grocery store cheese samples were calorie-free. Hell, I talked you into having a Diet Coke at the movies last weekend. I am on a roll…

It’s Bad Wayne time!

You thought you’d run me off for good, but what you don’t understand is that I know how this sh*t works. I know how hard it is to make good choices all the time. How difficult it is to go to a fantastic restaurant and lay off the good stuff.

You thought I was exiled for good, but I’m just biding my time. My patience is limitless, and it doesn’t take much to get me back on the path to sitting in the driver’s seat.

You want to stay on the straight and narrow.

Me? I want to take a walk on the wildside!

My name is Bad Wayne, and you definitely haven’t seen the last of me!

Jack Sh*t Jukebox 2

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I bring back some archived posts and call them "golden oldies". As I noted the first time I collected a bunch of my reworked songs, there's probably a good drinking game or karaoke throwdown that can be made out of all this...

Why can't we be thin?
Why can't we be thin?
Why can't we be thin?
Why can't we be thin?

I’ve been round for a long, long time.
Eating too much too often was my crime.
Read the rest here.

Oh, I've got friends with low weigh-ins
Bringing their numbers down,
And trying to chase those pounds away.
And we’ll all be okay.
I'm not big like when I was buffeting.
Think I'll go do some basketball playing.
Oh, I've got friends with low weigh-ins.
Read the rest here.

She’s into margaritas, black beans and burritos.
If she eats much more salsa, she won’t fit into her clothes.
She’s into combinations, nuevo dishes to delight.
She’s got a Mex addiction; she could eat it every night.
She'll make you order cheese dip (an extra large one should suffice),
She'll make you feed her crazy indulgence; it’s her most awful vice.
Corona with a big lime slice. Chow down!
Read the rest here.

I weighed this afternoon.
The number didn’t start with two.
One thing I've left to do,
Weigh-in on my
Weigh-in to you.
Read the rest here.

You’ve got a big butt and I cannot lie,
You prolly should go on a diet.
Cause if you wanna get an itty bitty waist.
Stop stuffin’ stuff in your face.
You get hungry, want food in ya tummy,
But you notice that yo body looks crummy.
You standing at that mirror swearing.
Don’t fit in them jeans you’re wearing.
Oh baby, just admit
You wanna get fit.
Read the rest here.

Right now she’s probably slow cooking another crockpot casserole,
And she's got it real salty.
Right now, she's probably drinking her some fruity little drink cause her brain’s thinkin’ faulty.
Right now, she’s probably pulling up to the drive-thru, asking for an upsized combo...
Cuz she don't know...
Read the rest here.

A long, long time ago,
I can still remember
How my obesity made me cry.
And I knew if I had my chance,
That I could fit into my pants.
And maybe I’d be a happy weight-loss guy.
But February gave me cravings,
So much I chewed on the pet’s wood shavings.
Bad news on the damn scale,
I couldn't take that ham smell.
I didn’t know how I’d survive,
But I knew I needed extra drive.
I knew my health I must revive,
The day I came alive
Read the rest here.

So I screw my will up
It’s time to get strong
The hunger pains go away
Can I do this thing? Oh yeah'
Will I exercise? Oh 'Yeah'
I got my hands up
I’m looking for a loss
I’m heading to Healthy Town
Yeah
It's a party in the ol' WW.
Yeah
It's a party in the ol' WW.
Read the rest here.

This is the blog about our weight.
This is the story of our fate.
This is the first day of a journey,
Lord, I hope it's not too late.
This is the trek that’s never done.
This is a hot dog without the bun.
This is the person standing on the scale,
Praying to lose a ton.
Pictures before, pictures right now.
Put up on the blog for the world to say “wow.”
Read the rest here.

Whatever you do, just keep till the morning
Haven’t you had enough to eat now, Jack?
Midnight snack.
Remember your supper was real healthy stuff.
Haven't you had enough?
And I think you can make it,
Seven more hours, if you try.
Don’t do it like all the old times.
Read the rest here.

Hey, hey, hey…
I follow Katie J, she blogs over at Katie J is On Her Way.
There’s LAF at Walk in Loveliness and Enz at Downward Trenz… they blow my mind.
Their weight-loss treks, the way they’re gettin’ rid of their turkey necks, you see.
I know just what they swallow, they’re the ones I choose to follow, who’re some of my friends.
Hey scale sisters, you know Mr. Sh*tter–he keeps prayin’, for your weigh-in, the way it goes ain’t fair, you know!
Hey scale sisters, I don't want to miss a single day you weigh... okay?
Read the rest here.

They see me bloggin’.
Commentin’.
People they clickin’ to catch me writin’ diet-y.
Wanna catch me writin’ diet-y.
Wanna catch me writin’ diet-y.
Wanna catch me writin’ diet-y.
Wanna catch me writin’ diet-y.
I’m eatin’ so good.
I'm losin’.
Losin’ so much, it’s got me writin’ diet-y.
Look at me–I’m writin’ diet-y.
Look at me–I’m writin’ diet-y.
Read the rest here.

Hi Jack

As I may have mentioned before, I'm giving a Philips DirectLife activity monitor a trial run. One of the most interesting things about the little electronic gizmo is that it's tethered to a real life (possibly) personal coach (still not 100% sure it's not robot or call center worker from India... must conduct more tests) who provides you support, supplies you with information and, sometimes, falls in love with you. I'm not saying that that's happened in my case, but I'm not saying that it hasn't either...

Dear DirectLife Coach Jen,

I would never imply that you think my dedicated workouts are not valuable or important. I would never put words in your mouth, and if I did it would be more like "Jack, you're like some mythological god who's come down from Olympus to stride the Earth once more" or "Jack, you're activity levels are getting me all hot and bothered over here."

Truthfully, I didn't even realize that the doohickey made a little light show at night (I'm not much of an instruction reader, DirectLife Coach Jen). When I saw it go off, I almost put on my running shoes and took off down the street to see if I could make it go haywire again.

I'm going to be completely serious for a minute, DirectLife Coach Jen: you're absolutely right. I tend to look at activity as an all-or-nothing proposition. I throw myself into my workouts, and then I throw myself into my work. I'm starting to see that it can be valuable to change the way I look at all-through-the-day activity, that there's something to be said for short bursts of movement and added emphasis on effort. You've somehow managed to cram some insightful information through my incredibly thick skull. I think it's high time you asked for a raise, DirectLife Coach Jen.

Well, I gotta run. We're having my middle daughter Holly's birthday party today and I've ordered a moon bounce castle (she's 18 going on 8); there's a fair chance that I make the activity monitor blow up today...

Take care,

Jack


Hi Jack,

It is really always a pleasure to get your emails. I like that you add humor to every email, but you're also able to get serious. I was hoping that you had docked already so that I could see your activity from the moon bounce castle - next time...

It sounds like you have now decided to take this opportunity of being involved in the DirectLife program to really explore the activity-all-through-the-day concept. I, of course, fully support you in this and am here to now help you find out how you can do that. Sometimes this take a bit of mental gymnastics to figure out just where and how more activity can be fit in. Creativity is helpful, and willingness is key. Do you already see areas of your life that you can add in more activity? If not, I can send you a brainstorming exercise which helps you think outside the box, and then narrow the options into realistic ones that you will try. Would you like me to send you this? I promise that it won't make your computer blow up.

I hope the birthday party was fantastic!

Dear DirectLife Coach Jen,

You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little f*cked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to f*ckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?

Ahhhh, forget it. It would have been better if we were sitting around a table at a restaurant with a bunch of wiseguys and then I pulled a gun on you like in GoodFellas. In an email, it just comes across as kinda creepy (but it's too late to delete it now).

I'm a little out of sorts because I wasn't able to make the activity doohickey blow up in the moon bounce castle, DirectLife Coach Jen. After landing on a couple of little kids and getting yelled at by their parents, the fun kind of got sucked out of the entire experience. Then the 17- and 18-year-olds just wanted to lounge around in it. Youth is wasted on the young, DirectLife Coach Jen!

You can send me your brainstorming exercise if you want, but thinking outside the box is what I do for a living, DirectLife Coach Jen. I think outside the box, inside the box and all around each corner of the box. Sometimes, I sit in a box to help me think outside it and then visa versa. Just the other day, I invented something that I call the "reverse push-up" where you get down on the floor and then... well, I haven't worked out all the details yet. But that just illustrates the kind of outside-the-box thinking that I'm capable of...

Lastly, I don't like to toot my own horn, but TOOT TOOT I'M KILLING YOUR ACTIVITY MONITOR. TOOT TOOT CHECK OUT MY NUMBAHS! TOOT TOOT

Take care,

Jack

Hi Jack,

How has your week gone? I must say your Activity Data and progress since your Assessment week is outstanding! How are you feeling? Is this doable longer term and are you feeling energetic and excited by the added activity?

Your blogs are fantastic, was there some Dr. Seuss' influence in there?

Now, with your increased activity I also notice that the exercise really boosts up the score, and there is not much adjustment to the day to day. Not to harp on this too much, but is this something that you working towards changing as well? Let me know and have a fantastic
weekend,

Jen

PS. Happy belated fathers day! I hope that it was a wonderful celebration of YOU! ... I notice that you took that day off of monitor wearing. Was this a conscious decision or did you just happen to leave it behind by accident?

Hi DirectLife Coach Jen,

Thanks for complimenting my near superhuman efforts on the activity front, but the truth is that I had a tiny setback this week: just like Samson was weakened when his beautiful hair was cut off, I've been laid low by a hurty heel. Turns out my Achille's Heel is actually my heel. Actually, I guess that makes me more like Achilles than Samson.

I tried to stay off it the last couple of days and I was actually able to run again this morning in a 6 a.m. full-court basketball game. I was at over 75% of my activity level for the day by 7:30 this morning. I could slip into a coma this afternoon and still hit my numbers, because that's the kind of high-activity son-of-a-bitch I am!

I'm still trying to incorporate more activity into my work day, but it's difficult as a professional casket tester. My job is to lay there and make certain that each coffin my company produces has suitable "layability". There's a little more to it than that, but I hate to talk shop...

I'm not sure I know this Dr. Seuss person you're referring to. Is he somebody I should talk to about my gimpy heel?

Take care,

Jack

P.S. Thanks for the Father's Day well wishes. I let my dad Horace wear my activity monitor for the day, which should explain why the number was zero. I'm surprised it wasn't even lower, frankly.

Fitness Center Pickup Lines

• Is that a Philips DirectLife activity monitor in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

• Do you squat here often?
  
  
• You look especially pretty soaked in sweat.
  
  
• How’d you like to be my special push-up partner?
  
  
• Do you know CPR, because you just took my breath away! Or it may have been that 45 minutes on the elliptical…
  
  
• Can I buy you a vodka and Gatorade?
  
  
• You’ve got my head spinning more than 5 p.m. spin class. which, technically, doesn’t get my head spinning at all.
  
  
• What’s your workout name? Mine’s Master Blaster!
  
  
• I wouldn’t mind spending some time getting to know you better, after you took a shower of course.
  
  
• Nice lats!
  
  
• You’re making me wish I was a rowing machine.
  
  
• My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
  
  
• I’m too flexy for my shirt… too flexy for my shirt… too flexy…
  
  
• What say we head over to GNC for a bottle of human growth hormone?
  
  
• I bet I can guess your weight.
  
  
• How’d you like to come back to my place and sit on my feet while I do sit-ups?
  
  
• That stairmaster isn’t the only thing getting my heart rate up…
  
  
• Wanna feel my muscle?
  
  
• How’d you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?