Monday, February 1, 2010

I'm Sorry, American Pie Guy

video

If you want the entire song, here's a link.

A long, long time ago,
I can still remember
How my obesity made me cry.
And I knew if I had my chance,
That I could fit into my pants.
And maybe I’d be a happy weight-loss guy.

But February gave me cravings,
So much I chewed on the pet’s wood shavings.
Bad news on the damn scale,
I couldn't take that ham smell.

I didn’t know how I’d survive,
But I knew I needed extra drive.
I knew my health I must revive,
The day I came alive

So bye-bye, Mr. Fatass-ed Guy.
Leave those binges on the fringes,
Give healthy eating a try.
End them bad old days of eatin’ ham, swiss and rye.
I’m sayin’ this’ll be the day that I diet.
This’ll be the day that I diet.

Did you read the book of Beck,
And do you suffer from a turkey neck?
Does the mirror tell you so?
Do you believe you’ll reach your goal?
Can this journey save your mortal soul?
And can you learn how to eat real slow?

Well, I know that you're in love with ham,
But it’s time for you to give a damn.
It’s time to lace up your shoes.
Man, I dig it when people lose!

I was a lonely overweight writin’ dude,
With a bad obsession with unhealthy food.
If I didn’t change, I was surely screwed.
The day I came alive.

I started singin’
Bye-bye, Mr. Fatass-ed Guy.
Leave those binges on the fringes.
Give healthy eating a try.
End them bad old days of eatin’ ham, swiss and rye.
I’m sayin’ this’ll be the day that I diet.
This’ll be the day that I diet.

Now for ten months I've been losin’ weight,
And tryin’ to get all of my sh*t straight
But that's not how it used to be
When I spent all my free time on the couch,
Working on my beer-belly pouch
And turning into a first-class grouch.

Oh, and then as I was about to drown,
I managed to turn it all around.
The tide had finally turned.
New lessons I had learned.
And now I’ve started to get fit,
And if you think that I’ll ever quit
Then I’m afraid you don’t know Jack Sh*t.
Now that I’ve come alive.

I started singin’…
Bye-bye, Mr. Fatass-ed Guy.
Leave those binges on the fringes.
Give healthy eating a try.
End them bad old days of eatin’ ham, swiss and rye.
I’m sayin’ this’ll be the day that I diet.
This’ll be the day that I diet.

Hocus pocus, now my life’s in focus,
I’ve quit eating like I’m a locust.
Ninety pounds down and falling fast.
I may fall and bust my ass,
But I’m gonna keep tryin’ to lose my mass.
I won’t keep failing like in the past.

Now I’m watchin’ exactly what I eat,
While working out like an athlete.
Each day I get up to sweat.
Do I bust my ass? You bet!
‘Cause when I get in a workout mode,
I feel my energy explode.
Time to get this show on the road.
The day I came alive.

Let’s all start singin’…
Bye-bye, Mr. Fatass-ed Guy.
Leave those binges on the fringes.
Give healthy eating a try.
End them bad old days of eatin’ ham, swiss and rye.
I’m sayin’ this’ll be the day that I diet.
This’ll be the day that I diet.

Oh, so here we are all in one place,
Runners in an endless race
With no time left to start again.
So come on, Jack be crazy, Jack be crude,
Jack Sh*t is a wacky weight-loss dude,
But he knows what you’re going through, my friend.

So let’s start and get this thing in gear,
And we can drop some pounds in here.
No angel born in Hell,
Could be meaner than our scale.
And as we keep having great success
In our efforts to weigh less,
We’ll take our lives out of distress.
The day we came alive.

Let’s all start singin’…
Bye-bye, Mr. Fatass-ed Guy.
Leave those binges on the fringes.
Give healthy eating a try.
End them bad old days of eatin’ ham, swiss and rye.
I’m sayin’ this’ll be the day that I diet.
This’ll be the day that I diet.

If I met the guy who wrote this song,
I’d ask him why it’s so damned long.
What were you thinking away?
He’d probably tell me “Don’t be absurd…
Songwriters get paid by the word,
But don’t worry cuz you’ve made it halfway…”

And at his desk the blogger screamed.
He’d bit off way too much, it seemed.
But still he planned to persist,
Even with carpal tunnel in both wrists.
And then he started feeling splendid,
Cuz he realized it had nearly ended.
Will he do it again? (not recommended)
The day I came alive.

Let’s all start singin’…
Bye-bye, Mr. Fatass-ed Guy.
Leave those binges on the fringes.
Give healthy eating a try.
End them bad old days of eatin’ ham, swiss and rye.
I’m sayin’ this’ll be the day that I diet.
This’ll be the day that I diet.

Let’s all start singin’…
Bye-bye, Mr. Fatass-ed Guy.
Leave those binges on the fringes.
Give healthy eating a try.
End them bad old days of eatin’ ham, swiss and rye.
I’m sayin’ this’ll be the day that I diet.
This’ll be the day that I diet.

41 comments:

  1. LOL! Great... I'll be singing it in my head all day.

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  2. This is Mr. Jack Sh*t's Opus...amazing stuff!

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  3. Oh I love it. This is so good. Wish I had a knack for writting like you do. Also for losing weight like you are. Good for you, keep it up. Tomorrow is my weigh-in day for the month, we'll just see how it all goes. Thanks for making me laugh. Take care and God Bless!!

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  4. This is your masterpiece, Jack!

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  5. Perfect. Obviously this is the EP version as it's almost as long as the real song.

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  6. I'll never think of that song the same way again! Thanks :D

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  7. Why are you apologizing to Jason Biggs?

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  8. And the grammy goes to....

    JackSht for his innovative songwriting that gets people thinkin' and groovin' about weight loss!

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  9. This song was playing on the radio during my driver training days. Now I have a new updated version to reminisce with.

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  10. You knocked it out of the park again!

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  11. Excellent one. You're way too good at this!

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  12. Wow! I can't believe that you came up with so many verses!

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  13. If Atlanta's beloved "Pants on the Ground" guy can perform at the Grammys, they will definitely take you! Congrats on the loss yesterday. I'm sorry to hear that maintenance is going be bitch but I think you have really nailed down what it takes.

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  14. Love it!! Think I'll sing this today for my dance workout!!

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  15. You are very good at making up new song lyrics.

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  16. LOL! I always sing along to these parodies! Just too funny! Love it!

    ~Kellie

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  17. no longer just an american classic song.. it's now an american classic parody..

    "I was a lonely overweight writin’ dude,
    With a bad obsession with unhealthy food."

    Awesome work Jack..

    ETL

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  18. I screamed at my desk just for this rendition. I think Ameircan Pie dude would be proud.

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  19. Hysterical!

    American Pie is also now officially stuck in my head. At least it's a good song!

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  20. Thanks a lot - now I have that song stuck in my head Jack! I hope you have another one to replace it tomorrow.

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  21. I just want to know one thing.....when is your CD going to be available for sale? You'll be outselling Gaga and Beyonce! :)

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  22. Thinks some of the younger readers have never heard the original.

    Love it Jack!

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  23. Keep it up.... too much craziness! :-) How do yout think this stuff up!

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  24. That's some original sh*t! And dang, that song is long...

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  25. lmao jack....you bit off more than you could chew?...apparently not.
    I stopped eating like a locust...um, ditto.
    lol.
    Good one...did you ever read my 100 things I would rather do than regain my weight....
    About 52 in I had to 'set it down' and pick it up the next day.
    This sounds like a two or three dayer to me.
    Great job.

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  26. Mr. Fatass-ed Guy! Hilarious!

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  27. Very nice, I also really enjoyed your weigh-in blog yesterday about the changing of habits and how they seem to creep back up on ya... also the 1, 2 or 12 bites off you daughter's plate! I tend to be so hungry while making dinner that I end up snacking while making dinner... now that I say it it sounds pretty unnecessary!

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  28. This made me giggle. I totally had to hum it in my head (yeah, I don't sing).

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  29. It's always extra impressive when you do really long songs like these.

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  30. Exceptional parody today, Mr. Sh*t!

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  31. Never really did like this song. But now... Well, I love your version.

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  32. I particularly liked that one. But man it was long. Kind of like the whole weight loss process.

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