Server: Welcome to Chili’s! I’m Jessica, and I’ll be your server today.
Dr. Jackyl: Thank you, my dear. We’ll need another menu please.
Server: Oh, are you expecting someone else?
Mister Sh*t: Heeeeelllo! I’m right here, cupcake!
Server: Ummmmmm…. okay. Another menu comin’ right up.
Dr. Jackyl: Why do you have to be like that?
Mister Sh*t: Calm down, pantywaist.
Dr. Jackyl: I didn’t even want to come out to eat. What’s wrong with eating at home?
Mister Sh*t: Everything’s so boring and bland at home.
Dr. Jackyl: Bland? I’m a maniac with the spice rack…
Mister Sh*t: Well, we never have appetizers at home.
Dr. Jackyl: And I seriously doubt we’ll be having an appetizer tonight.
Mister Sh*t: Waitaminute… where’s the Awesome Blossom?
Dr. Jackyl: Oh, they got rid of that way back. Where have you been?
Mister Sh*t: You’ve kept me locked up, dumbass. Why’d they go and get rid of the Awesome Blossom anyway?
Dr. Jackyl: It was just too…
Mister Sh*t: Too awesome?
Dr. Jackyl: Try awesomely laden with fat. And 2,710 calories for an appetizer.
Mister Sh*t: Aw, that’s not so bad.
Dr. Jackyl: Well, that’s the caloric equivalent of over a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts.
Mister Sh*t: Mmmmmmm…. Krispy Kreme…
Dr. Jackyl: We are not stopping for donuts on the way home!
Mister Sh*t: Well, I say we just get the Big Mouth Bites for starters...
Dr. Jackyl: Hmmm, 1,580 calories and 28 grams of saturated fat.
Mister Sh*t: See… that’s awesomer than the Awesome Blossom.
Dr. Jackyl: By comparison, for a 2,000-calorie diet, the USDA recommends that an individual eat no more than 20 grams of saturated fat per day.
Mister Sh*t: Well, saturated fat isn’t everything, you know…
Dr. Jackyl: Yeah, there’s also salt. These bad boys pack 2,930 milligrams of sodium.
Mister Sh*t: Well, if you’re so worried about your precious diet, maybe you should just order off the kids’ menu.
Dr. Jackyl: Yeah, that can’t get me in any trouble. Look at this: Chili’s Pepper Pals Country-Fried Chicken Crispers with Ranch Dressing and Homestyle Fries.
Mister Sh*t: That’s what I’m talking about!
Dr. Jackyl: Only 1,110 calories, 1,980 mg sodium and a whopping 82 grams of fat.
Mister Sh*t: Everything a growing boy needs.
Dr. Jackyl: Growing is right. You realize that kids only need about 1,600 calories a day, don’t you?.
Mister Sh*t: You are a crappy dinner companion, Doc.
Server: Have you… uh… two… made up your mind?
Dr. Jackyl: We’ll have the Guiltless Grill Salmon with black beans and seasonal vegetables topped with Parmesan cheese.
Mister Sh*t: I swear! We should have just stayed at home.