Thursday, February 18, 2010

Dr. Jackyl and Mister Sh*t

Server: Welcome to Chili’s! I’m Jessica, and I’ll be your server today.

Dr. Jackyl: Thank you, my dear. We’ll need another menu please.

Server: Oh, are you expecting someone else?

Mister Sh*t: Heeeeelllo! I’m right here, cupcake!

Server: Ummmmmm…. okay. Another menu comin’ right up.

Dr. Jackyl: Why do you have to be like that?

Mister Sh*t: Calm down, pantywaist.

Dr. Jackyl: I didn’t even want to come out to eat. What’s wrong with eating at home?

Mister Sh*t: Everything’s so boring and bland at home.

Dr. Jackyl: Bland? I’m a maniac with the spice rack…

Mister Sh*t: Well, we never have appetizers at home.

Dr. Jackyl: And I seriously doubt we’ll be having an appetizer tonight.

Mister Sh*t: Waitaminute… where’s the Awesome Blossom?

Dr. Jackyl: Oh, they got rid of that way back. Where have you been?

Mister Sh*t: You’ve kept me locked up, dumbass. Why’d they go and get rid of the Awesome Blossom anyway?

Dr. Jackyl: It was just too…

Mister Sh*t: Too awesome?

Dr. Jackyl: Try awesomely laden with fat. And 2,710 calories for an appetizer.

Mister Sh*t: Aw, that’s not so bad.

Dr. Jackyl: Well, that’s the caloric equivalent of over a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts.

Mister Sh*t: Mmmmmmm…. Krispy Kreme…

Dr. Jackyl: We are not stopping for donuts on the way home!

Mister Sh*t: Well, I say we just get the Big Mouth Bites for starters...

Dr. Jackyl: Hmmm, 1,580 calories and 28 grams of saturated fat.

Mister Sh*t: See… that’s awesomer than the Awesome Blossom.

Dr. Jackyl: By comparison, for a 2,000-calorie diet, the USDA recommends that an individual eat no more than 20 grams of saturated fat per day.

Mister Sh*t: Well, saturated fat isn’t everything, you know…

Dr. Jackyl: Yeah, there’s also salt. These bad boys pack 2,930 milligrams of sodium.

Mister Sh*t: Well, if you’re so worried about your precious diet, maybe you should just order off the kids’ menu.

Dr. Jackyl: Yeah, that can’t get me in any trouble. Look at this: Chili’s Pepper Pals Country-Fried Chicken Crispers with Ranch Dressing and Homestyle Fries.

Mister Sh*t: That’s what I’m talking about!

Dr. Jackyl: Only 1,110 calories, 1,980 mg sodium and a whopping 82 grams of fat.

Mister Sh*t: Everything a growing boy needs.

Dr. Jackyl: Growing is right. You realize that kids only need about 1,600 calories a day, don’t you?.

Mister Sh*t: You are a crappy dinner companion, Doc.

Server: Have you… uh… two… made up your mind?

Dr. Jackyl: We’ll have the Guiltless Grill Salmon with black beans and seasonal vegetables topped with Parmesan cheese.

Mister Sh*t: I swear! We should have just stayed at home.


  1. You know, sometimes I feel like Jekyl: we should have just stayed home.

    While salmon is nice, it isn't the flavor I crave if I'm walking into Chilli's. Just too tempting.


  2. At least you were spliting a meal, right? Half the calories for each ;)

  3. Yes! We all have that Dr. Jekyll conversation. Thanks for sharing yours! You say things we all think but your words pack a wollop!

  4. Way to keep that Mr. Sh*t in line.

    When the full moon comes around, I suggest you chain yourself to something anchored and stationary.

  5. I like the idea of having the information ready when eating out. It's really startling sometimes.
    It's hard to make a good choice with that Mr. Sh*t voice in my head! I need a potion to knock him out for a while!

  6. Oh that's a conversation I know well! Of course mine a is a little more cut throat, often threatening to "jack my shit up" if I don't eat poorly. I think I could take her.

  7. What?
    No Awesome Blossom?
    *Check, please!*

  8. I'm guilty of having a conversation or two like that! I could have eaten the whole Awesome Blossom and a dozen Krispy Kremes by wonder I weighed 347 pounds!

  9. I am glad to see I am not the only one having dinner with more then just me... This post is making me hungry though.. Thank you for that.. (insert sarcasm)..just kidding..

  10. lol That is a battle that I hate to fight. One reason why I do not open the menu at most restaurants! lol :)

  11. I looove Chili's vegetables with parmesan cheese!

    Krispy Kreme donuts are yucky. Gone in two seconds, and you don't even feel like you ate anything. We had one here in Calgary for a short while, but Tim Horton's drove them out. Because Tim Horton's is taking over the world, one Double-Double and Honey Dip at a time. Mwahahahahahahahaha!

  12. That salmon actually sounds really good. Mister Sh*t don't know sh*t. Oh, and the kid's menu is horrific!

  13. Cheesecake Factory has a kids meal that is 1800 calories. That is criminal. All of their adult meals are over 1000 and the salads are in the 1800 plus range.

    Congrats on making a good decsion. It's a struggle everytime, luckily I can't afford to eat out much.


    That Mr. Sh*t really IS full of sh*t.

  15. Ugh, I don't really like Chili's Guiltless Grill. Simply because it is fairly bland compared to everything else there. I like Applebee's healthy choices far better.

  16. Haha that is pretty much the convo that goes on in my head when I am at a restaurant... It definitely helps to go in and know whats on the menu before you get there. For me that alleviates a lot of stress. Where do you come up with these awesome posts anyway?

  17. That is why I don't eat out.. I just sit & enjoy the company!

  18. I prefer to stay home. They always seem to top healthy options with crap I'm allergic to. Then to get without is really bland. I can make better at home. :)

  19. I love it - especially glad Dr Jackyl won!

    I call my voices 'emotional' and 'logical' and have similar arguments a lot!

  20. The blooming onion is 5000 calories of fat with the dripping, dipping sauce. I'll have a large diet soda with mine!


  21. Ai Ai Ai! I so despise going into restaurants can't even tell your server to bring a box right away and put half of it in there, because you're STILL getting waaay too much crap on your plate...and who wants to get a salad when you're treating yourself to a restaurant meal? Sigh...

  22. Ha! love it. My alter egos were at the next table discussing the merits of the guiltless cedar plank tilapia versus the full on steak fajias at just a little over 1100 calories and only 5000+mg Sodium.

    Meet Fay my food addict (think younger chubby cheeked Mrs. S Claus-type) and Sandee the
    inner critic/ strict dieter (think skinny
    Olivia Newton John- type in 80's workout wear.)

  23. I go out once a month on my splurge day...other than that...I steer clear of restaurants like the black death, the plague or anything else you can imagine.
    Nothing good happens after midnight...and nothing good happens in a multistate franchise at dinner.

  24. Hi Jack. This scenario is all to familiar!

    Bearfriend xx

  25. Who doesn't have days like this? I know I have too many days when I feel like this....



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