Thursday, February 25, 2010

Chicken Not-So-Little

Chicken Not-So-Little was in her bathroom one day when she stood on the scale and saw that she had gained two pounds over the course of a week. It scared her so much she trembled all over. She shook so hard, half her feathers fell out.

“Help! Help!” she blogged. “The sky is falling! The sky is falling! I have to go rejoin Weight Watchers!”

So she ran in great fright to rejoin Weight Watchers. Along the way she met Carby-Barbie.

“Where are you going, Chicken Not-So-Little?” asked Carby-Barbie.

“Oh, help! The sky is falling!” wailed Chicken Not-So-Little. “I gained two pounds this week and I must go rejoin Weight Watchers right now.

“Why don’t you just go on Adkins?” asked Carby-Barbie.

“What’s that?” asked Chicken Not-So-Little.

Carby-Barbie explained: “The Atkins Diet involves restriction of carbohydrates to more frequently switch the body's metabolism from burning glucose as fuel to burning stored body fat. This process, called ketosis, begins when insulin levels are low; in normal humans, insulin is lowest when blood glucose levels are low (mostly before eating). Ketosis lipolysis occurs when some of the lipid stores in fat cells are transferred to the blood and are thereby used for energy. On the other hand, caloric carbohydrates (e.g., glucose or starch, the latter made of chains of glucose) impact the body by increasing blood sugar after consumption. Lastly, because of fiber's low digestibility, it provides little or no food energy and does not significantly impact glucose and insulin levels.”

“Oh my!” explaimed Chicken Not-So-Little. “I didn’t understand a word you said.”

“What’s up, ladies?” asked Flexy-Lexy, who was on his way to the gym.

“Oh, help! The sky is falling!” wailed Chicken Not-So-Little. “I gained two pounds this week and I must go start eating nothing but meat right now!”

“No, no,” said Flexy-Lexy. “What you need to do is up your workouts, rev up your metabolism. It’s all about burning calories.”

“I don’t have to count points or eat an all-protein diet?” asked Chicken Not-So-Little.

“Nope,” said Flexy-Lexy. “You just need to hire me as your personal trainer and I’ll get you on an exercise plan that blasts off those pounds and many more.”

“But you won’t stick with that,” chided Carby-Barbie. “You’ll see quicker results with Adkins.”

“I’m just so confused!” wailed Chicken Not-So-Little sadly.

“What’s got you confused?” asked Sh*tty-Witty, who happened to be passing by.

“The sky is falling!” cried Chicken Not-So-Little. “I gained two pounds this week and I must go start eating nothing but meat right now and work out all the time!”

“That’s silly, Chicken Not-So-Little,” said Sh*tty-Witty calmly. “You’ve been doing so well just eating more sensibly and exercising a little more frequently. Why not just keep doing what you’ve been doing and trust that the numbers will work themselves out in the end?”

“That’s very sensible advice,” said Chicken Not-So-Little, and so she went home and continued doing what she had been doing, eating more sensibly and exercising a little more frequently.

The next week, Sh*tty-Witty saw Chicken Not-So-Little running down the street and wailing as loudly as she could.

“The scale is falling! The scale is falling!”


-The End-


46 comments:

  1. Hahaha! Sh*tty W*tty can be my personal trainer/advice-giver any day!

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  2. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

    May I play Flexy-Lexy in the Broadway production? Pleeeese?

    For the TV series, we should get Tony P. for the role of Sh*tty-Witty (no offense, Jack Sh*t, but I suspect you'll be up to your cajones optioning screenplays and counting your residual checks).

    Great day in the morning to you all!

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  3. We all need a Sh*tty W*tty in our lives. :)

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  4. Shi*tty W*tty saves the day! Brilliant as usual. What would we do without you Shi*tty W*tty :-)

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  5. I think it should be Whitty Sh*tty! Jack Sh*tty that is. Now, today I will be haunted by a new picture of Chicken Little. THANKS! for clearing up the confusion. My Henny Penny will have no fuel today!

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  6. Very cute Jack, and it rings so freakin true :)

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  7. So true! There is too much information and too many diets! STICK to what you know works for YOU!
    Thanks for the reminder!

    wait....is one of your followers a toilet?

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  8. So true! I love it! You made my day.....

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  9. Carby-Barbie hearts Ketosis Ken!

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  10. What a great story!!You almost hit my gain right on.. kinda scary in a way.

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  11. LOL! How did you know I had a WW weigh-in today, and I'm almost sure I gained weight. Maybe I should look up Flexy-Lexy or that other guy.

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  12. Reminds me of one of my favorite acronyms:

    Follow
    One
    Course
    Until
    Successful

    Great post as always!

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  13. well written, funny but so true.. thanks :)

    Anne

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  14. I've met Carby Barbie. She's a dimwit.

    Thanks Sh*tty Witty

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  15. Wow. I was so Chicken-not-so-little this week. I loved this post. Thank you. :)

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  16. So we shouldn't run around like a chicken with its head cut off when the scale doesn't cooperate? :)

    Post comes at a great time as so many in bloggerville are having issues with the scale. I think the scale union has called for a strike or something. It's a universal thing.

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  17. Haha, that story was adorable! And 100% true.

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  18. LOVE this Jack. Thank you.

    Julia
    http://jewliagoulia.blogspot.com

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  19. All these characters are a great comfort while Snowy-Woahey is falling!

    Cheers,
    Missa
    LosingEthel

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  20. A chicken in the bathroom.

    That is just plain silly.

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  21. Loved it! Okay, okay...don't panic. I get it. Patience IS a virtue!

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  22. poor carby barbie....
    I'll bet she smells.
    lol.
    or she and flexy lexy got together and now sell diet pills.
    lol
    good one.

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  23. That Sh*tty-Witty sure is a smart'n.

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  24. Ah, the happy ending!!!! You got it right!

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  25. I so needed to read this today. I'm crabby as hell (because the scale said 240 yesterday and 242 today) and I'm scared to go onto week 5 of couch to 5k Sunday. Thanks for giving me the much needed "Relax" about the whole thing.

    xoxo
    ~Tara

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  26. LOL Yes....after almost a year of doing this and 70 or so pounds down....I agree with Shitty Witty. But.....also think that upping the protein and veggies does wonders, too. Just not in any extreme way. Logic, reason, and sustainable eating...you go Shitty Witty! :)

    So...Jack...IS your scale falling? I ramped up my exercise the week (a la your second wind post) and am not seeing spectacular results...but the scale is moving slowly in the right direction and I am feeling fit as a fiddle. I hope the same for you!! :)

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  27. Me and a couple of LowCarb bloggers want to have ChickenLittle for dinner!
    No Really - we want to have her for dinner!

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  28. LMAO - I AM Chicken Not-So-Little!!!

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  29. Perfect! That's awesome. It really is about trusting whatever program each of us has been on. Stick to the plan!

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  30. Sh*tty Witty knows his shtuff. This was so cute!

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  31. That was a wonderful story. I loved it. It's a great way to teach people about healthy food choices and exercise.

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