Thursday, April 15, 2010

A Radish By Any Other Name…

Folks don’t eat enough vegetables, and I think I figured out the reason why: most of them are just so poorly named that them hardly come off as appetizing. Who wants to eat something called “parsnips” or “turnips”? These items, like a lot of their veggie companions, need a branding makeover.
  • “Asparagus” sounds too much like “ass”. New name: “Tender Yum-Yum Sticks”.


“Artichoke”? Please! Nobody wants to eat something that has “choke” in its name. New name: “Sugar-coated Funplant.”

  • “Cauliflower” actually doesn't need a whole lot of help. I mean, the word “flower” is nice and friendly. Now what dog does everybody like? Lassie! New name: “Collieflower”.


“Mustard Greens”? Huh? This is one that I don’t get at all. They’re not yellow. They don’t taste like mustard. It just doesn’t make any sense. Besides, not everybody likes mustard. New name: “Ketchup Greens.”

  • “Brussell Sprouts”? No. “Baby Boom-Boom Cabbages”?. Oh hell yeah!

  • “Eggplant”? Ridiculous. In Europe, they refer to it as “aubergine,” but that sounds like a new line of fragrance or some sort of skin rash ointment. New name: “Tastyglobe”.

  • “Okra?” That’s an easy fix. New name: “Fried Okra.”


“Bell Peppers” put people off because they expect them to make a ringing sound when you shake them. The best thing to do would be to add a ringing sound chip but easiest thing would be to change name. New name: “Clapperless Bell Peppers”.

  • Celery.” Just the sound of that word makes me grimace. But I could munch on it if it had an enticing handle. New name: “Savory Crunchsticks”.

  • “Squash”. Is this a joke name? Did people used to just squash these plants for fun before realizing that you could actually eat them? New name: “Lovemunchkins.”

  • “Chard.” Now that’s just harsh as names go. It needs something softer, more gentle, more inviting. New name: “Miracle Goodness Greens”.

  • “Kohlrabi”. I’m sorry, but if I’m naming a vegetable, I try to keep from making it sound like a race of alien villains from Star Trek. New name: “Chocólate” (the “ó” makes it different than regular “chocolate”).

  • “Rootabaga”. – Actually, this is a perfectly named vegetable.

  • “Radicchio” – I’ve never liked this one. It sounds like you’re nose will grow an inch if you eat it. New name: “Mmmm Mmmm Stuff”.

  • “Spinach”. Despite Popeye the Sailor Man’s efforts to make it popular, this leafy green vegetable has never gotten its due. There's only one person who can change that. New name: “Sh*tach.”
Do your part in helping people eat more fresh veggies by immediately adopting all these new names. The sooner they catch on, the sooner everyone can start benefiting from eating better and living healthier.


  1. Spinach is so yummy. I mean, Sh*tach.

  2. CollieFlower - that's a good one!

  3. "Baby boom-boom cabbage" is my favorite!! I seriously think I am going to call brussel sprouts that from here on out. I love this one! :)

  4. Yeah.. ummmm no Jack lol... Im a non veggie eater and though those names may have gotten me to TRY them, unless it changed the TASTE.. it just would not happen..

    this makes me think of the time my daughter asked me the difference between can milk and regular milk. I told it was sweeter and better and she chugged it straight from the can..

    omg im STILL laughing at that one.. It came spraying out of her nose and mouth everywhere!!

    Imma give your list a try though, i Have a 4 year old niece,, imma offer her a piece of tender yum yum sticks..

    Let cha know how that works out lol!!

  5. The word "vegetable" itself has scary connotations.

    Boom-boom cabbage is my fave, too.

  6. I'm looking forward to grilling some tender yum yum sticks real soon! Great idea---I thought I hated these things, but now---with the new name, I can't wait to get a plate full!

    You sir, are brilliant!

    My best always

  7. Excellent new names, Jack, especially sh*tach, because that does tend to turn up in there, does it not what with e-coli and all? And what the heck with RUBARB? Was Red Celery taken?

  8. Your mind works in the most "mysterious & crazy ways"! Love your craziness! You should be leading the country on health advice! They would listen to you! :-)

  9. Love this! I don't know about everyone else, but I'm adopting the new terminology.

  10. Love it! Especially since I've never had fried okra - now that's a veggie I need to try :)

  11. I agree some the names are a real turn off.
    If you want the kid to eat Broccoli call them baby trees, my kids think it's funny.

  12. When I was a kid, my best friend's mom called asparagus "Trees"--- as in, "RICHARD!!!! Eat your damn trees!!!!

    Stuck with me.

    Thanks, as usual, very entertaining!

  13. Newly named Fried Okra is my favorite way to eat that veggie. In fact, isn't it the ONLY way to eat that veggie?

  14. I love you. My future grandbaby will love you.

    This would make a great pop up book for little tykes, ya know?

    *Ooo, ooo...volunteers to do illustrations*


  15. And one in honor of Anita.. Cabb*tch! :)

  16. LOL...funny...clever!

    I had some “Miracle Goodness Greens” with some mushrooms and onions last was really quite good. I was NOT a good veggie eater when I started my journey. Not at all. I am now.......I forced myself to eat more of them and along the way somewhere I actually started enjoying the darn things! Go figure!

  17. I love beets. But I could *see* how someone could be offended because someone was going to beat them.

    So now they should be called....

    Little lumps of love!

  18. here's how effed up my family was - we used to have donuts about once a month on a weekend morning. But donuts were BAD...right? So my mom would set the box of a dozen out on the breakfast table and present to us: "Fruits and Vegetables, eat up children, they're GOOD for you!"
    And I wonder why I have eating issues...
    Meanwhile, brussel sprouts are lovely referred to by my husband as "little green balls of death"
    And I wonder why MY kids are in therapy...

  19. I am so with you on the fried okra..... if we could just make it a good veggie I am right on track. My dad calls brussell sprouts weeds...need i say more

  20. My mum used to call brussel sprouts, Fairy cabbages. Nice.

  21. HA! These are great! :) I'm going to use a few on my kids.

  22. Here we eat enough veggies to officially be tested for rabbit DNA, and I agree veggie names are funny. However, renaming foods can backfire. For years as a child I was served something my grandparents called "chocolate" stew. Loved it, ate it by the gallon and never watched it being made. One day I was grown up, married, and wanted to introduce my new husband to the goodness of chocolate stew, and went to the store in search of the chocolate beans that the stew contained. No such luck finding, so I called my mom , asking where I could find them. It was at that point that I learned those "chocolate beans" were beef kidneys.Gave a whole new enlightenment to my childhood.

  23. My whole attitude to celery changed when I started calling it something more related to its One True Purpose: salsa boats!

  24. baby boom boom cabbage it is...

  25. Baby boom boom cabbage is my favorite! My hubby hates it and won't let me cook it in the same pot if I'm making him a different vegetable, he's just a baby boom boom cabbage :-)

  26. Mmmm, love me some tender yum yum sticks. And baby boom boom cabbage is the best name ever! :)

  27. And cucumbers would be...never mind!

  28. never thought about it that way, as you always you have the great spin.
    sadly though, no matter what the name, i like barely any of things you mentioned and unless they were coated in chocolate, probably wouldn't touch 'em.

  29. I love a good sh*tach smoothie... :)

  30. Baby boom boom cabbages is wonderful!! I dont have too many problems with vegetables. In fact I will do vegetarian dishes. Vegetraian rissotto if cous cous with some spices in great.

    I am not too fond of sh*tach personally - but have found it tastes great if wilted in a frying pan with a little olive oil and some cumin or garam masala. My cooking tip for the day

  31. I love baby boom boom cabbages!!!

    I love you!

    and I love myself more and more!!

    Go baby boom boom cabbage!

  32. I was right there with ya until you got to lovemunchkins....I cant, all I can visualize is the little people from the wizard of Oz stuffed into a large pot. Lovemunchkins anyone??

  33. LOL...oh you killed me with the boom-booms, lol.

  34. I am going to use crunchsticks from now on. I like that one.

  35. Good idea, I am going to try this rebranding on my son.
    Hubby will eat turnips, radishes and a whole lot more as long at they are raw.

  36. So agree about kohlrabi! (Oh, and confession: I've never tried that.) You need to come up with something for parsnips though.

  37. HA1 We called 'em "little baby cabbage heads" in my house -- and there are never any left!

  38. Haha! I like "tender yum yum sticks" and "baby boom boom cabbages" (and "fairy cabbages, too"), but "mmmm mmmm stuff?" No, man, that one needs work.

    I love "lovemunchkins" instead of squash.

    Artichokes and tangy and delicious and should not be associated with sugar, though! Yuck!

    I agree that kohlrabi sounds like a villainous alien race from Star Trek!

  39. Loved this so much that I had to share it with all my buds on Facebook. LOVE it.

  40. Can we do something about brocoli? Even spelling it gives me a headache (yes I misspelled it)

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