- “Asparagus” sounds too much like “ass”. New name: “Tender Yum-Yum Sticks”.
“Artichoke”? Please! Nobody wants to eat something that has “choke” in its name. New name: “Sugar-coated Funplant.”
- “Cauliflower” actually doesn't need a whole lot of help. I mean, the word “flower” is nice and friendly. Now what dog does everybody like? Lassie! New name: “Collieflower”.
“Mustard Greens”? Huh? This is one that I don’t get at all. They’re not yellow. They don’t taste like mustard. It just doesn’t make any sense. Besides, not everybody likes mustard. New name: “Ketchup Greens.”
- “Brussell Sprouts”? No. “Baby Boom-Boom Cabbages”?. Oh hell yeah!
- “Eggplant”? Ridiculous. In Europe, they refer to it as “aubergine,” but that sounds like a new line of fragrance or some sort of skin rash ointment. New name: “Tastyglobe”.
- “Okra?” That’s an easy fix. New name: “Fried Okra.”
“Bell Peppers” put people off because they expect them to make a ringing sound when you shake them. The best thing to do would be to add a ringing sound chip but easiest thing would be to change name. New name: “Clapperless Bell Peppers”.
- “Celery.” Just the sound of that word makes me grimace. But I could munch on it if it had an enticing handle. New name: “Savory Crunchsticks”.
- “Squash”. Is this a joke name? Did people used to just squash these plants for fun before realizing that you could actually eat them? New name: “Lovemunchkins.”
- “Chard.” Now that’s just harsh as names go. It needs something softer, more gentle, more inviting. New name: “Miracle Goodness Greens”.
- “Kohlrabi”. I’m sorry, but if I’m naming a vegetable, I try to keep from making it sound like a race of alien villains from Star Trek. New name: “Chocólate” (the “ó” makes it different than regular “chocolate”).
- “Rootabaga”. – Actually, this is a perfectly named vegetable.
- “Radicchio” – I’ve never liked this one. It sounds like you’re nose will grow an inch if you eat it. New name: “Mmmm Mmmm Stuff”.
- “Spinach”. Despite Popeye the Sailor Man’s efforts to make it popular, this leafy green vegetable has never gotten its due. There's only one person who can change that. New name: “Sh*tach.”
Thursday, April 15, 2010
A Radish By Any Other Name…
Folks don’t eat enough vegetables, and I think I figured out the reason why: most of them are just so poorly named that them hardly come off as appetizing. Who wants to eat something called “parsnips” or “turnips”? These items, like a lot of their veggie companions, need a branding makeover.