Saturday, April 3, 2010

How Do You Eat A Whale?

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I repost an old post with a new paragraph that starts "Welcome to 'Same Old Sh*t" Saturday.'" I don't know why this post is one of my favs; I think it has something to do with the fact that it went 180° away from where I intended it to go. That doesn't happen to me very often, but it usually puts a smile on my kisser when it does.

I started working on this post about taking a one-bite-at-a-time attitude to your weight loss efforts, but then I realized that the title of the post was a bit misleading. I remembered that many of my Eskimo readers (Hi, Nyako, Tapenga and Dadgayadoh) would take the title literally and would be expecting whale-preparation tips. Once I get going with one of these blog entries, I really hate to change directions, so I suppose this post should actually be titled “How Do You Eat A Whale, Both Literally and Figuratively?”

Well, obviously… first you need to catch a whale. Lucky for you, I have some experience with this. I went on a whale-watching boat trip a couple of summers ago down in Sayulita, Mexico. Our boat came in nice and tight on several of the buggers, and I can tell you this from first-hand experience: they’re big. I’m just not sure that your average rod-and-reel is going to be able to handle one of these mothers. I’m certainly no fishing expert, but I’d go with a Shimano Spheros 18000FB with the Paladin gear-enhancement, higher line capacity and cold-forged spools with improved drag-systems. And don’t forget the worms!

Let’s just assume, for a minute, that you can’t catch a whale. Don’t feel too bad; I couldn’t either (I didn’t have my fishing gear with me; what’s your excuse?). There’s a simple solution, my friend. Just go over to Japan where they sell fresh whale, frozen whale, canned whale, cubed whale, dried whale, pickled whale and whale-on-a-stick. Can’t get to Japan? Geez, don’t you know how to use MapQuest yet, stupid?

So now you’ve got yourself a nice hunk of juicy whale meat. Now what?

I found this recipe for Whale Stew on the internet. Have you ever started making something and you didn’t check the ingredient list to make sure your cupboard was stocked with everything you need to make the dish? That’s exactly what happened to me on this one. Don’t be a dumbass like me: check and make sure that you have all the ingredients you need before you start cooking.

Whale Stew


1 (105 ton) Whale
1,896 lbs Onions
7,326 lbs Potatoes
1,908 gallons Tomato Sauce
2,276 lbs Carrots
927 lbs Celery
104 lbs Salt
76 lbs Black Pepper
52 gallons Tabasco Sauce

Directions: Place whale in pot with tomato sauce. Cook at 300 degrees for 4 hours. Add onions, potatoes, carrots, celery, salt, pepper and Tabasco sauce. Simmer 36 hours. Serves 347,161 people.

Truthfully, this recipe is just “okay.” If I make it again, I’m gonna add a pinch of oregano.

Let’s say that you’re just trying to learn more about figuratively eating a whale, you know, like losing a whole lot of weight. Well, in that case you should just take it “one bite at a time.” Sorry, I was going to write a lot more about the subject, but I used up too much space for the Eskimos (Message to Nyako, Tapenga and Dadgayadoh: “Inuktitut (goodbye) and have an ‘ice’ weekend!”.

Next time, I’ll try to put the weight loss stuff first.


  1. If we are what we eat, then I don't want to eat whale!

  2. Does my comment from the last time you posted this count?

    Thanks for all the good advice for going on a run especially about resisting the urge to run over the old lady.

  3. I made this a couple of weeks ago and I used fresh basil. It really hit the spot.

  4. haha "a pinch of oregano." Funny!

  5. NOOOOOOo would never try Whale meat...the thought puts me off...I once ate SHARK biltong..very very salty...

  6. Back away from the jelly beans. Just back away...

  7. My eyes are tearing up from laughing so hard. LOVE the recipe. I'm pretty sure I don't have quite everything I need in my cupboard either. Awesome post. ;)

  8. I wonder if the 52 gallons of Tobasco sauce would cover up the taste of whale?!

    This made me smile :)

  9. LMAO Dude, your brain works in such a different way than most of us LOL Genius!

  10. yeah, um, thanks, but may just skip this recipe. :)



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