A Radish By Any Other Name…

Folks don’t eat enough vegetables, and I think I figured out the reason why: most of them are just so poorly named that them hardly come off as appetizing. Who wants to eat something called “parsnips” or “turnips”? These items, like a lot of their veggie companions, need a branding makeover.

• “Asparagus” sounds too much like “ass”. New name: “Tender Yum-Yum Sticks”.
  
  
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“Artichoke”? Please! Nobody wants to eat something that has “choke” in its name. New name: “Sugar-coated Funplant.”


  
  
• “Cauliflower” actually doesn't need a whole lot of help. I mean, the word “flower” is nice and friendly. Now what dog does everybody like? Lassie! New name: “Collieflower”.
  
  
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“Mustard Greens”? Huh? This is one that I don’t get at all. They’re not yellow. They don’t taste like mustard. It just doesn’t make any sense. Besides, not everybody likes mustard. New name: “Ketchup Greens.”


  
  
• “Brussell Sprouts”? No. “Baby Boom-Boom Cabbages”?. Oh hell yeah!

  
  
• “Eggplant”? Ridiculous. In Europe, they refer to it as “aubergine,” but that sounds like a new line of fragrance or some sort of skin rash ointment. New name: “Tastyglobe”.


  
  
• “Okra?” That’s an easy fix. New name: “Fried Okra.”
  
  
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“Bell Peppers” put people off because they expect them to make a ringing sound when you shake them. The best thing to do would be to add a ringing sound chip but easiest thing would be to change name. New name: “Clapperless Bell Peppers”.

  
  
• “Celery.” Just the sound of that word makes me grimace. But I could munch on it if it had an enticing handle. New name: “Savory Crunchsticks”.
  
  
• “Squash”. Is this a joke name? Did people used to just squash these plants for fun before realizing that you could actually eat them? New name: “Lovemunchkins.”
  
  
• “Chard.” Now that’s just harsh as names go. It needs something softer, more gentle, more inviting. New name: “Miracle Goodness Greens”.
  
  
• “Kohlrabi”. I’m sorry, but if I’m naming a vegetable, I try to keep from making it sound like a race of alien villains from Star Trek. New name: “Chocólate” (the “ó” makes it different than regular “chocolate”).
  
  
• “Rootabaga”. – Actually, this is a perfectly named vegetable.
  
  
• “Radicchio” – I’ve never liked this one. It sounds like you’re nose will grow an inch if you eat it. New name: “Mmmm Mmmm Stuff”.
  
  
• “Spinach”. Despite Popeye the Sailor Man’s efforts to make it popular, this leafy green vegetable has never gotten its due. There's only one person who can change that. New name: “Sh*tach.”

Do your part in helping people eat more fresh veggies by immediately adopting all these new names. The sooner they catch on, the sooner everyone can start benefiting from eating better and living healthier.