Tuesday, January 26, 2010

You’ll Thank Me Later

I'm just not sure that I do enough to help you on this arduous weight-loss journey of yours. Oh sure... I blog quite a bit, and I try to pass on as much good (and bad) advice as I possibly can. But I think I can have more of an impact on belping you achieve your goals, and starting today, I'm going to do it! My plan?
  • I take a hammer to every snack product in your pantry
  • I stand behind you and scream “Fatass!” every time you pick up a piece of candy
  • I squirt pepper spray in your face when every time you eat a chimichanga
  • I spraypaint your car windows black so you can’t see any fast-food joints while you’re driving around town
  • I leave a six-minute voicemail on your cell phone that’s just me repeating “Go to the gym!” over and over
  • I give you a wedgie every time you start to eat cheese
  • I hide your salt shaker
  • I carry around my “lucky funnel” for when you forget to drink your water
  • I padlock your fridge every night at 8 p.m.
  • I host a “Oreo intervention” for you and invite all your friends and co-workers
  • I sit in the back seat and sing “I’m Henry the Eighth, I am… Henry the Eighth, I am, I am…” whenever you eat in the car
  • I slam my grocery cart into your grocery cart every time you try to buy cookies
  • I call the pizza place where you just ordered delivery and ask them to add “toenail clippings” all over the top
  • I weld the change slot shut on the vending machine in your office
  • I spit in your can of Pepsi
  • I replace your ranch dressing with Elmer’s Glue
  • Whenever you go three days without blogging, I call you up and blow a whistle into the phone

62 comments:

  1. Man, should I go through this and dissect it point by point?

    um...

    No. Not today. I'll just laugh and move on.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes, this would be quite helpful indeed! Get to it!

    ReplyDelete
  3. OH GEEZ this is so funny I almost peed myself! LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I wish I could go 3 days without blogging! I need to get away from this computer! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks for the laugh

    ReplyDelete
  6. have you got my number? I could use the whistle blowing thing. I have a fetish for whistles. That's why I'm on the train all the time... but, uh, that's a different blog post...

    ReplyDelete
  7. OMG! I love it. Let me give you my number because some of those things would help. LOL! I do little things like that to myself. I decided to try running and when I wanted to stop (short of my goal), I thought to myself "Do you want to be fat or do you want to be hot?". BTW- I kept running after that. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. The last thing I need is someone else screaming "Fatass" at me. Oh wait...that would probably work.

    ReplyDelete
  9. what time should I expect you :-)
    Great post as usual Jack!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I love it!!! need my phone number or address??? ***LOL***

    ReplyDelete
  11. I bet you could get people to pay you for this kind of harrassment/encouragement!

    ReplyDelete
  12. That'd be awesome! But I'm not sure I'd enjoy the Elmer's glue thing. Even if it was out of love.

    ReplyDelete
  13. New marketing idea...a Jack Sh*t Doll to carry around when on diets. Pull the string, and words of wisdom (and songs) flow.

    (am I hired yet? that is two good ideas in two days...LOL)

    ReplyDelete
  14. how many calorie in toenail clippings I wonder....

    ReplyDelete
  15. Finally! This is the help I've been waiting for.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Dang! And I thought Jillian Michaels was scary. You have her beat.

    (that chimichanga comment better not have been directed ar me)

    ReplyDelete
  17. I just got an email that had the subject, "Put down that donut" - apparently our Employee Council is encouraging people to sign up for bootcamp. I hate donuts. I like your list better.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thanks for all the help, Jack!

    And the laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Discipline through terrorist tactics. Of course it would work!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm signing myself up for the oreo intervention. Let me know when you're available!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Thanks! I loved this.

    Would it be possible to hire you to stand behind me and scream “Fatass!” every time I pick up a piece of candy? If only..... Where were you while I was packing on these 200+ pounds?

    Thanks for the laugh!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. where do you live again? SO glad it's not close to me! lol

    ReplyDelete
  23. I am confused? Why would you host an "Oreo Invitational"?

    ReplyDelete
  24. How 'bout you replace my Baby Ruth bar with...oh, never mind!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I could sure use someone spitting in my Mountain Dew....

    ReplyDelete
  26. Ok, so is this where I leave my number? Trust me, I'll keep ya busy lol!

    ReplyDelete
  27. That all will make a difference, you are a kind and helpful man!

    Secretia

    ReplyDelete
  28. If you really wanted to help, you'd cook all my meals for me :)

    ReplyDelete
  29. I am pretty sure I can get my teens to fill in on the singing the song from the backseat one... LMAO!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Can I subscribe to this offer? How does this work? I have hammers, you wouldn't need to bring one!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Hilarious!!!! Would hire you as my personal ass kicker in a heartbeat!

    ReplyDelete
  32. How many times do I have to invite you to come visit me for a month? This is exactly what I need!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Oh my could you host my oreo intervention? Oreos + wine = big no no

    ReplyDelete
  34. Sounds good. Could you just kick me in the ass anytime I start feeling sorry for myself?

    (although, watch out....I'm working these guns)

    ReplyDelete
  35. YIKES - now you have me scared. Sitting here being quiet has worked for so long- although this might be just the kick in the butt I need.

    ReplyDelete
  36. LOL! I don't even know what to say, except... thank you? I think?

    ~Kellie

    ReplyDelete
  37. I could really use those on some days. I'll remember to thank you...but later.

    ReplyDelete
  38. wow. I am not sure I can ever eat a pizza again. I think you win!!

    ReplyDelete
  39. BA HA HA HA!

    I haven't laughed this hard in a while.... I'm sure my co-workers think I'm slightly mental.

    Thanks for the laugh (nevermind the many pictures that are now floating through my head). I'll keep the "fatass" one in mind next time I don't want to go for a run :)

    previously plump... in progress
    www.previouslyplump.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  40. Brilliant! What's your daily rate?! ;o)

    ReplyDelete
  41. I'd like to sign up for the 8 p.m. fridge padlocking service, please. I'll pay extra if you will also padlock a cupboard containing my snacks.

    ReplyDelete
  42. The worst part is that it's true: all those things would be better than going back.

    Yeesh.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Jack, there's a little award for you over at my blog. :)

    ReplyDelete
  44. Hahahahahhahahaaa...funny! I particularly like the idea of calling after three non-blogging days and blowing your whistle!

    ReplyDelete
  45. You are so incredibly helpful! I especially need that 6 minute voicemail today and perhaps a bunch of kicks in the ass. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  46. All jokes aside.. I would seriously pay you for each of those services:)

    ReplyDelete
  47. I am intrigued by your program and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I see a lot of wedgies in my future....

    ReplyDelete
  49. I am definately printing this out and assigning the tasks to my family and friends. This is so fridge magnet material!

    ReplyDelete
  50. The toenail clipping one... so utterly disgusting but so freaking funny!!!! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  51. I am crying I am laughing so hard. I read it to those who are in my family and are not dieting, and they did not get it. They just don't understand our struggles!

    ReplyDelete
  52. I will be mailing you pretzels shortly...they are satan.
    Chris out.

    ReplyDelete
  53. you are very talented. that was very funny. thank you for a good chuckle!

    ReplyDelete
  54. A very in-your-face strategy! Not to mention too hilarious to think about. Love it!

    ReplyDelete
  55. I'll let you follow me anywhere, screaming all the way. Love your blog, love the way you go about it all. Thanks for the insight on things I hadn't even thought about.
    Take care and God Bless!!

    ReplyDelete
  56. DAMN!! I am glad you don't have my cell # because you would be screaming at me allll the time. LOL I do need you on my facebook though LOL

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails