Sunday, January 17, 2010

Doctor, Doctor... Give Me The News

Weekly weigh-in: 199.3
Loss: -0.2
Total loss: 92.2 lbs.
Emotion: Clean bill of health

It was time… time for my 8-year physical (okay, okay… I need to do better with that, I guess), so there I sat in my doctor’s waiting room trying not to breathe in any H1N1 molecules and glaring at anyone who had the nerve to cough within 25 ft of me.

I whiled away the time by eyeballing the crowded room and performing my own diagnoses on the other unfortunate souls thumbing through their People magazines.

Business dude… sinus infection.

Gameboy kid… sore throat.

Lady with the pantsuit… chronic fatigue syndrome.

Creepy guy in turtleneck… malaria.

Woman with the slutty hairdo… some sort of STD… or possibly a heat rash.

Old guy with big nose… uglyitus.

After 45 minutes of breathing into my armpit, the nurse finally calls my name and I bound past all the sickos.

The nurse grabbed her chart and invites me to hop on the scale. Without a trace of trepidation, I jump on and watch her fiddle with the slider. She writes down 208 on her chart (okay, I was wearing a hoodie and boots), and then whistles to herself.

“Whew,” she says, almost under her breath. “You’ve dropped a bunch of weight.”

“I hadn’t noticed,” I deadpan.

“You hadn’t noticed?” she looks up from the chart and gives me the stink-eye.

She strapped me up to check my blood pressure. 115 over 65.

“You’re normal,” she told me. “Well, your blood pressure is anyway.”

I was disappointed that they didn’t put me on a treadmill, because... frankly... I was gonna rock her world. Instead she just de-shirted me and hooked me up to an EKG machine. The result: “an athlete’s heart rate” is what she told me. That’s what I’m talking about!

The doctor came in and finished up my exam, including the uncomfortable groping and plunging portions of the program (I’m still having bad dreams…). Then we got to talking about the weight loss. He was interested in the why’s and how’s of it all.

During our discussion, I did bring up the subject of what my ideal weight ought to be. He told me that he uses the medically approved “ideal weight” and then adds 20 pounds to it, because that’s “the real world.”

He got out a calculator and figured mine to be 178 + 20 lbs. He checked my chart: “Well, you’re just about there.”

“If your nurses don’t mind weighing a naked dude,” I smiled. “I think I’m there already.”

The nurse just shook her head.

“Did I say normal?”

x

63 comments:

  1. Congrats.

    I think that women...may have it worse. Two show horns and a crank...that's what we get.

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  2. plus 20! I like your dr. and I loved your diagnosis of the waiting room!!

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  3. I'm wondering what a slutty hairdo looks like?

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  4. ha ha! Congrats on your physical. That's awesome!

    P.S. I enjoyed the waiting room diagnosis... :)

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  5. Congratulations on that awesome physical! *applause* *applause*

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  6. "I hadn't noticed." heh heh heh *snort*

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  7. Yes, congrats on the confirmation that all of your hard work has paid off internally as well as externally. But did you have to mention the "groping and plunging"? What is plunging?!?!? (running to a nearby trashcan now)

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  8. Seriously your "normal" physical is a MAJOR accomplishment.

    Serious congratulations go out to you.

    :)

    Julia
    http://jewliagoulia.blogspot.com

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  9. wait.. she dissed you on the lollipop? well done Jack.

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  10. I'm so going to use "I hadn't noticed" when the time comes. F'ing genius.

    Congratulations on the outstanding exam.

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  11. Oh that's AWESOME! That must have been wonderful feeling getting on that scale and having that happen. I can't wait for that day!

    I might even steal that line " I hadn't noticed". LOL

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  12. I do the same thing in waiting rooms, make up imaginary lives for people I don't know. Hey, it passes the time, right?

    Nurse do-do sounds like a prude. You should have insisted on being weighed naked, just to have your true weight on record!!!

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  13. Congrats on the great check up!

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  14. All those good things rolled into one visit - what more could you ask for? Except maybe not having to wait 45 freaking minutes!

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  15. That's terrific! I HATE being weighed at the doctors office! (Or anywhere in fact). You must have felt so good leaving there. I am going to rock my next checkup! I hope my doc notices!

    Yeah!! Congrats again!

    -B
    http://diaryofasoontobeskinnygirl.blogspot.com

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  16. Love the post! I've just started on the path to my goal weight and I can't wait to blog about this kind of trip to the dr's office.

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  17. And to think I was reading your blog when you only had a 100 followers...
    Congrats, Jack - that is probably the best part about your weight loss. An ATHLETE'S HEART RATE - amazing!!!

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  18. I'm surprised you didn't pick someone out of the crowd to be the hypochondriac.

    Many blessings for your clean bill of health!

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  19. Awesome physical! That first one in which they start throwing around the word 'normal' is one to be treasured. (My doc was actually worried because my resting heart rate was 50% lower until I told him that was intentional.)

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  20. Uglyitis...I know a few people with that.

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  21. "athlete's heartrate." That is pretty awesome. And, you'll probably never see that nurse again.

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  22. An athlete's heart rate is WAY better than an athlete's foot! Good Job!

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  23. Congrats on the physical, and hopefully not catching H1N1 in the waiting room!

    I need to get in for a physical myself, I haven't had one since I played football in high school, and I have my 10 year reunion this year!

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  24. Umm, what's a slutty hairdo? And congrats!

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  25. WOOT WOOT. Great job! Isn't it the best kind of approval to go to a doc office and be "normal" Great job!

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  26. Very inspiring! What I needed to hear today to keep going "one more day"

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  27. It's great to get medical validation. I remember when I managed to drop my cholesterol down to normal my doctor was amazed.

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  28. I woulda taken off the hoodie & boots so that they could see for themselves that you're already at your doctor's ideal weight. Having a ONEderland weight in your medical records would be awesome!

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  29. Congrats Jack! Jealous of that BP! I hope the "add 20" rule works for women too. That is my plan for an "ideal" weight....

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  30. There's nothing sweeter than going to the doctor's office and realize you've taken away all their ammunition. Nice going. I'm going for a little shock and awe myself at my August physical. Nice work, Jack!

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  31. Now I have seen slutty skirts, slutty makeup, slutty shirts or blouses....but I don't believe I have ever seen a slutty hairdo.
    I am picturing a modified hairsprayed bleach blond mullet.
    hmmmm.
    congrats on the clean bill of health.
    Why don't they weigh people in their undies.
    Next time wear a slutty dress.
    They weight A LOT less.
    lol.

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  32. Congratulations!! What a fabulous reward for you and your family! (sure beats high fiving a hobo right?)
    xo

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  33. CONGRATS!!!! You rock! But just loved this: “You’re normal,” she told me. “Well, your blood pressure is anyway.” AND the part about being weighed naked! You are too much!

    Now this hit home: Old guy with big nose… uglyitus. My nose is not the tiniest thing around like my boobs are.. & seems to look bigger the older I get! I want a nose job! Well, maybe some boobies too! :-)

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  34. I don't usually think of physicals as being fun, but in this case it must have been. Way to go.

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  35. Congrats on the great physical. Hearing that your heart rate was like an athelete's must've been amazing!

    BTW - I, too, am wondering what a slutty hairdo looks like. LOL.

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  36. Congrats on the clean bill of health! What a milestone! =)

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  37. Woo HOO!!!!! I don't woo hoo often as I am too old and too fat to be a woo hoo girl. But this warrants it, LOL. http://mommaof3ontherun.blogspot.com/

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  38. Hahahaha
    You said "the stink eye!"

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  39. Serious question Jack. How could 178 be the medically approved weight for anyone as tall as you are? The doctor adds 20 lbs because that is the "real world". How could any scientist think you could lose another 20 lbs and then maintain it?

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  40. Seriously funny post and seriously great accomplishment! Congrats!

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  41. Wow! I love it. I am gonna try that next time I am in a waiting room...it has to make the time go by faster! :) Awesome-ness on the clean bill of health! :D

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  42. Haha I love that rendition of your doctor's visit! I work at a doctor's office and on the ambulance and surprisingly since I have started I have stopped getting sick... isn't that backwards? I just had that pop into my head when you were talking about H1N1 because when I transport people with it I am afraid to breathe! Anyways, I have an award waiting for you on my blog, come check it out!!

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  43. Congratulations! I bet that felt wonderful. However, in order for your weight to be accurate, the nurse should have made you remove your boots and hoodie before weighing in. She was being lazy. I don't let any of my students get away with that lazy crap; the patient's medical history is a serious thing and inaccuracies can be devastating. An example: if I had my height and weight done with my three-inch heels on, my BMI would drop by at least two points, taking me from obese to overweight or from overweight to normal.

    And Sweet Tooth, you're no longer getting sick because your immune system is always on "high alert" from being exposed to so many types of antigens...that's the best benefit of working in a doctor's office!

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  44. I can't stand those crabby nurses lol. So happy you got a great bill of health. I like the add 20 lbs thing, definitely sounds more reasonable to the regular bmi numbers.

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  45. Normal! hahah Who's normal anymore. Way to rock the exam!!

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  46. you are awesome, that's all!

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  47. What's normal anyway?!
    That was such a feel-good post.

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  48. Hiya, have an award for you on my blog

    http://phil-theincredibleshrinkingman.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-first-blog-award-of-2010.html

    Phil

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  49. I am also wondering what constitutes a slutty hairdo...???

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  50. When I hear "slutty hairdo" I picture some girl with WAY too obvious highlights (think skunk hair) and it teased to hell. Am I right?

    Too bad you didn't get to rock the treadmill.

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  51. Great Accomplishment! I love going into the doctor and getting a thumbs up on my improvements.

    My husband and I have been talking about ideal weight a lot lately. He has lost 43lbs and weighs 150. He is 5'7 and a slim build. He plans to ask his doctor about it on Tuesday.

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  52. That was to funny!!! I would love to be a fly on ur wall and listen to all the stuff that comes out of your mouth!

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  53. lmao, effing hilarious stuff, Jack....just made my whole day! :)

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  54. You crack me up. I moved cities so I didn't get that "holy crap you lost weight" satisfaction. My potbellied doctor, when I asked about ideal weight, pretty much said "you're ok now, but you can lose some more if you want".

    And I do like the "take the middle of your BMI and add 20" because I'm there! Woohoo!

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  55. That is freakin AWESOME man! That is a BIG confirmation that all your blood, sweat and tears have paid off. You should be proud of yourself!

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  56. Love your blog, for the record I very carefully consider the weight of the clothes I wear on days I'm going to the doctor's office and I ALWAYS remove my shoes, coat, etc. before I step on the scale. I read that during her most recent weight loss attempt Kirstie Alley said she always removed everything including her panties before stepping on the scale during her weigh-ins. I'm sure she's just being funny, but I swear if the scale in my doc's office wasn't right off the reception area I'd almost consider it. Not sure all the young patients want to see a nearly 60 year old mom in quite that level of detail... not that I don't look FABULOUS you understand. Congratulations on your success and love the attitude!

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  57. Hi Jack. MAJOR congratulations on reaching Onederland!

    Bearfriend xx

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