Saturday, January 2, 2010

Inside My Head at Last Night's Party

Welcome to “Same Old Sh*t” Saturday, where I trick you into thinking I wrote something new and fresh, when what I'm actually doing is buying new tires at Costco. This post seemed appropos with all the holiday parties I've been navagating my way through over the past few weeks...

I hate parties.

I mean, I really hate these stupid little get-togethers. I don't know half these people and don't like half of the half I do know.

What is that dude's name. John? Jeff? Jake? Josh? yeah, yeah. What's up, JohnJeffJakeJosh? Yeah, you're looking really good, too, Chrome-Dome. Good thing you shaved your head so now nobody can see your bald spot. Ingenious!

A beer? Great! What's I'd really like is a nice frosty cold Shiner Bock or maybe even a big thick Guinness, but I'll settle for that crappy Bud Light you're handing to me. Thanks, bro. Please go bother somebody else now. Fantastic!

Let's check out this chow table... oh my sweet Lord. Crab cakes? Hot spinach and artichoke dip... oh sh*t, I think I just drooled on myself. Oh, that Bud Light definitely does not hit the spot. What else have we got here? Great... seventeen kinds of cheese, and seventeen additional reasons this party's got FAIL written all over it. Hmmmmm, maybe if I did a quintuple workout tomorrow...

Okay, grab a little plate and let's find something that won't wreck your next weigh-in. BINGO! Baby carrots. Load up on them things, Bunnicula. Ranch dressing, hmmm? Low-fat? I seriously doubt that. Grab some celery, too, and roll some of them baby tamatoes on the plate so there's no room for those delish-smelling egg rolls over them. Ayyyyyyy, snatch the egg roll from my hand, grasshopper. Geez, hold it together, son. Waitaminute... grab some of them pepperoncinis. Oh hell yeah. Love biting something that bites back.

Oh, hey, what's-your-face? How's your daughter liking whatever college she wound up going to? Great! Sure, tell me all about your fantasy football team. I'll just be nibbling this carrot stick into a sharp point and having my own fantasy: about jabbing it repeatedly in your neck.

Hey, weird guy with the mole! How's it hanging? Have you heard about what's-his-face's sweet-ass fantasy football team? You gotta get you some of this. Excuse me, I've got to go stand over there.

Oh, hell no... the life insurance guy that I told I'd call right after the last one of these parties. Why do I always tell 'em I'll call 'em? Oh, hi, Carl or Ken. Pete? Yeah, I knew that. Life insurance, right? Right! Yeah, I was gonna call you but I lost your business card. Oh, you have another one? Sweet. I'll give you a call next week. Now excuse me... I'm going to get a little something to nibble on.

Hey, that broccoli salad looks pretty fresh. Mmmmmmm... that's semi-tolerable. And a couple of pieces of cheese won't sink the Titanic, I guess. Waitaminute... are they talking about me? Act all nonchalant and jack up your Six-Million-Dollar-Man bionic hearing to max. Do do do do do do do do do do do. Hmmmm, talking about how good you look. Nice. Very nice.

Oh, hey there, Nancy. Of course, I meant Linda. Yes, I'm terrible with names and yes, I have lost a lot of weight. Oh, just eating better, exercising more. Oh, hey there, Tom & Ginger. Yes, I've lost a few pounds here lately. Oh, I don't know how many. I'm not really a "scale" guy. Well, I've probably lost a little more than that. Just eating less, exercising more. No, it's probably a few pounds more than that.

Another beer? No thanks... I'm doing fine. I'm doing just fine.

I love parties.


  1. So you have conversations with yourself at events too? LOL Anyone else?? I'm soooo glad most of these parties are over. I suckered my husband into taking the kids to a birthday party today so I could avoid like the plague any food and cake while everyone stands around talking about their little Montessori geniuses.

    I'm really not anti-social..I don't think. Have fun at Costco!

  2. The great realization I had late in life was, if you're a wallflower, no one notices you anyway. The pressures off.

    Now that I low carb, I only accept invites to barbeques and bring a ton of mineral water ( to replace the beer ) hehe :)

  3. Dude, you are going to the wrong parties. Come on over to small-town Colorado, where the beer is a local microbrew, no one sells insurance, and everyone is too busy playing real football to fantasize about it!

    The downside is, we have no Costco.

    Happy New Year Jack! I know your 2010 will be spent happily partying in Onederland.

  4. Holy crap, we were at the same party I think. Actually about 3 of them in the past 2 weeks. Good job of recapping each of them into one. Sounds just about right ;)

    Cheers man!

  5. I remember this made me LOL when I first read it. it's definitely one of your best.

    Happy New Year, Mr. Sh*t!

  6. This is so awesome. This is exactly how I feel at parties with my in-laws, granted my conversations with myself are laced with MANY more profanities!



  7. This said it all! I am not a fan of these parties either.. to say the least! Did not have to go to one this year! Well, maybe that means I am just a boring ole broad that does nothing but go to the gym & come home, sleep, blog & try to figure out what to do with my life! Best get to it! :-)

  8. Why is it that people serve crap food at parties?

  9. I hope none of the half you know but don't like are reading this blog. Or maybe you don't give a sh*t. :-)

  10. Me personally. I would never spend money at a party if I needed tires for my car.

    To me, real friends aren't about faking it anyway. I've seen a lot of people attend these parties and pretend to be friendly just to use other people to get ahead. Not my style. So I'd rather just stay home or invite people over I really like instead of attending some smoozing party.

    Cool blog btw. I wish you all the best on your weight loss.

  11. You did it, you handled it, you didn't pig out and impress all the other big eaters!

  12. I remember this too.
    It's me in your head.
    You think you got it bad.
    I am about to embark on a three hour cookie training seminar for girl scouts on monday.
    What in the h*ll could you have to say about cookies that would take THREE HOURS.
    My friend amber said they all start chit chatting.
    talk about wanting to jab something in a neck.
    If I paid you twenty dollars would you go for me.
    screw you buddy.

  13. I enjoy the response I usually get when I explain that, yes, I've lost a little weight by eating less and exercising... "You mean that works for you?" they exclaim.

  14. At least yours happens in your head. Most of the time I'm actually whispering to myself so taht everyone thinks I"m crazy!! *laughs* "what's the points value I wonder" "well I can always walk longer tomorrow" they're not exactly conversation starters!!

  15. Your blog is too funny! You are a talented writer. I'm down 60 pounds this past year, and it's great to see your journey. I'm a follower.

  16. At least you are invited to parties - no one ever invites us - I think they are afraid we will bring the kids (all of them) along!

  17. loved it! :) You are off to a great start to 2010 Jack! :)

  18. lol sounds like what goes on inside my poor husbands head when i "make" him socialise! lol

  19. I read this before, but I read it again just because it's so funny. The comment about the pepperoncinis always cracks me up.

  20. I like the idea about nibbling a carrot stick into a sharp point and stabbing people with it! Oh, wait. You said just fantasizing about it? You're no fun! The more blood at a party, the bigger success it is!

  21. I love Costco, Jack, but no-one will ever take me.



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