Tuesday, January 26, 2010

You’ll Thank Me Later

I'm just not sure that I do enough to help you on this arduous weight-loss journey of yours. Oh sure... I blog quite a bit, and I try to pass on as much good (and bad) advice as I possibly can. But I think I can have more of an impact on belping you achieve your goals, and starting today, I'm going to do it! My plan?
  • I take a hammer to every snack product in your pantry
  • I stand behind you and scream “Fatass!” every time you pick up a piece of candy
  • I squirt pepper spray in your face when every time you eat a chimichanga
  • I spraypaint your car windows black so you can’t see any fast-food joints while you’re driving around town
  • I leave a six-minute voicemail on your cell phone that’s just me repeating “Go to the gym!” over and over
  • I give you a wedgie every time you start to eat cheese
  • I hide your salt shaker
  • I carry around my “lucky funnel” for when you forget to drink your water
  • I padlock your fridge every night at 8 p.m.
  • I host a “Oreo intervention” for you and invite all your friends and co-workers
  • I sit in the back seat and sing “I’m Henry the Eighth, I am… Henry the Eighth, I am, I am…” whenever you eat in the car
  • I slam my grocery cart into your grocery cart every time you try to buy cookies
  • I call the pizza place where you just ordered delivery and ask them to add “toenail clippings” all over the top
  • I weld the change slot shut on the vending machine in your office
  • I spit in your can of Pepsi
  • I replace your ranch dressing with Elmer’s Glue
  • Whenever you go three days without blogging, I call you up and blow a whistle into the phone

62 comments:

  1. Man, should I go through this and dissect it point by point?

    um...

    No. Not today. I'll just laugh and move on.

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  2. Yes, this would be quite helpful indeed! Get to it!

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  3. OH GEEZ this is so funny I almost peed myself! LOL!

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  4. I wish I could go 3 days without blogging! I need to get away from this computer! :-)

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  5. have you got my number? I could use the whistle blowing thing. I have a fetish for whistles. That's why I'm on the train all the time... but, uh, that's a different blog post...

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  6. OMG! I love it. Let me give you my number because some of those things would help. LOL! I do little things like that to myself. I decided to try running and when I wanted to stop (short of my goal), I thought to myself "Do you want to be fat or do you want to be hot?". BTW- I kept running after that. :)

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  7. The last thing I need is someone else screaming "Fatass" at me. Oh wait...that would probably work.

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  8. what time should I expect you :-)
    Great post as usual Jack!

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  9. I love it!!! need my phone number or address??? ***LOL***

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  10. I bet you could get people to pay you for this kind of harrassment/encouragement!

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  11. That'd be awesome! But I'm not sure I'd enjoy the Elmer's glue thing. Even if it was out of love.

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  12. New marketing idea...a Jack Sh*t Doll to carry around when on diets. Pull the string, and words of wisdom (and songs) flow.

    (am I hired yet? that is two good ideas in two days...LOL)

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  13. how many calorie in toenail clippings I wonder....

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  14. Finally! This is the help I've been waiting for.

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  15. Dang! And I thought Jillian Michaels was scary. You have her beat.

    (that chimichanga comment better not have been directed ar me)

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  16. I just got an email that had the subject, "Put down that donut" - apparently our Employee Council is encouraging people to sign up for bootcamp. I hate donuts. I like your list better.

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  17. Thanks for all the help, Jack!

    And the laugh!

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  18. Discipline through terrorist tactics. Of course it would work!

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  19. I'm signing myself up for the oreo intervention. Let me know when you're available!

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  20. Thanks! I loved this.

    Would it be possible to hire you to stand behind me and scream “Fatass!” every time I pick up a piece of candy? If only..... Where were you while I was packing on these 200+ pounds?

    Thanks for the laugh!!

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  21. where do you live again? SO glad it's not close to me! lol

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  22. I am confused? Why would you host an "Oreo Invitational"?

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  23. How 'bout you replace my Baby Ruth bar with...oh, never mind!

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  24. I could sure use someone spitting in my Mountain Dew....

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  25. Ok, so is this where I leave my number? Trust me, I'll keep ya busy lol!

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  26. That all will make a difference, you are a kind and helpful man!

    Secretia

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  27. If you really wanted to help, you'd cook all my meals for me :)

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  28. I am pretty sure I can get my teens to fill in on the singing the song from the backseat one... LMAO!

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  29. Can I subscribe to this offer? How does this work? I have hammers, you wouldn't need to bring one!

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  30. Hilarious!!!! Would hire you as my personal ass kicker in a heartbeat!

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  31. How many times do I have to invite you to come visit me for a month? This is exactly what I need!

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  32. Oh my could you host my oreo intervention? Oreos + wine = big no no

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  33. Sounds good. Could you just kick me in the ass anytime I start feeling sorry for myself?

    (although, watch out....I'm working these guns)

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  34. YIKES - now you have me scared. Sitting here being quiet has worked for so long- although this might be just the kick in the butt I need.

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  35. LOL! I don't even know what to say, except... thank you? I think?

    ~Kellie

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  36. I could really use those on some days. I'll remember to thank you...but later.

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  37. wow. I am not sure I can ever eat a pizza again. I think you win!!

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  38. BA HA HA HA!

    I haven't laughed this hard in a while.... I'm sure my co-workers think I'm slightly mental.

    Thanks for the laugh (nevermind the many pictures that are now floating through my head). I'll keep the "fatass" one in mind next time I don't want to go for a run :)

    previously plump... in progress
    www.previouslyplump.blogspot.com

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  39. Brilliant! What's your daily rate?! ;o)

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  40. I'd like to sign up for the 8 p.m. fridge padlocking service, please. I'll pay extra if you will also padlock a cupboard containing my snacks.

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  41. The worst part is that it's true: all those things would be better than going back.

    Yeesh.

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  42. Jack, there's a little award for you over at my blog. :)

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  43. Hahahahahhahahaaa...funny! I particularly like the idea of calling after three non-blogging days and blowing your whistle!

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  44. You are so incredibly helpful! I especially need that 6 minute voicemail today and perhaps a bunch of kicks in the ass. ;)

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  45. I probably need that funnel. :)

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  46. All jokes aside.. I would seriously pay you for each of those services:)

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  47. I am intrigued by your program and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

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  48. I see a lot of wedgies in my future....

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  49. I am definately printing this out and assigning the tasks to my family and friends. This is so fridge magnet material!

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  50. The toenail clipping one... so utterly disgusting but so freaking funny!!!! LOL

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  51. I am crying I am laughing so hard. I read it to those who are in my family and are not dieting, and they did not get it. They just don't understand our struggles!

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  52. I will be mailing you pretzels shortly...they are satan.
    Chris out.

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  53. you are very talented. that was very funny. thank you for a good chuckle!

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  54. A very in-your-face strategy! Not to mention too hilarious to think about. Love it!

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  55. I'll let you follow me anywhere, screaming all the way. Love your blog, love the way you go about it all. Thanks for the insight on things I hadn't even thought about.
    Take care and God Bless!!

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  56. DAMN!! I am glad you don't have my cell # because you would be screaming at me allll the time. LOL I do need you on my facebook though LOL

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