Thursday, January 7, 2010

Features of the New Weight-Loss Car, The Chevy Jolt

  • Special GPS navigation system calculates route that bypasses all donut shops
  • Sensor shuts down engine if it catches whiff of bacon
  • Glove compartment replaced with salad crisper
  • Driver’s-side window won’t roll down to discourage fast-food drive-thrus
  • Digital gas gauge, scale and body fat indicator
  • Rear view mirror makes your face look much, much slimmer
  • Seat belts have measurements printed on them.
  • Has a "uretor" instead of a "carburetor"
  • OnStar-ve diagnostics system senses when you’re weakening and has Jillian’s voice mercilessly screech at you
  • Air bags filled with low-fat popcorn
  • Runs out of gas intermittently to make you walk more
  • V8 engine actually dispenses V8 vegetable juice through dashboard
  • Brake really hard to depress to work driver’s calf muscle
  • Air conditioner emits foul odor to suppress appetite
  • Radio plays nothing but Jack Sh*t song parodies

42 comments:

  1. the radio would be my favorite feature. definitely.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yep! The radio is my favorite feature too...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sounds like the car for me *smile*.

    ReplyDelete
  4. totally need popcorn airbags in my buick.

    ReplyDelete
  5. That's the kind of car I'd pay for!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. ooooh!!! I've always wanted OnStar. What a bonus to hear Jillian screaming at you to "FINISH THAT ONE LAST SET!!!!"

    ReplyDelete
  7. How about replacing the seats w/ balance balls?

    WooT!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I digg the seatbelt measurement device thingy.....can I just get that feature for my car now?!? ;)

    ReplyDelete
  9. you got me at the radio, sign me up :-)

    ReplyDelete
  10. sign me up, that could make for one nice first car! :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. hehe :) thx for the chuckles!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sign me up! Although as a much maligned typical American, I'd like to know if a huge gas guzzling Suburban model is available. Oh yeah! Count me in!

    ReplyDelete
  13. LOL I like the idea of the Jillian feature too. She should market some CD with her just screaming at us. It would sell! LOL I told my trainer we're gonna cut out a picture of Jillian and put it on a stick. Then, when she yells at me, she can hold said stick in front of her face and just scream.

    Thanks again for the laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'll take one!

    As soon as I get off the Taco Bell Drive Thru Diet.

    ReplyDelete
  15. ok seriously..where do you come up with this??? I would like one in blue please:)
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  16. You know, if I'd just passed my driving test years ago and had this car instead of having to walk everyone, I'd be so much slimmer... :o(

    ReplyDelete
  17. You totally outdid yourself! This is so FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Wonderful idea for a niche format in a major market. "Weight Loss Radio!" I should pitch that to a station in the fattest city in America---Miami! Or, in my own backyard---OKC was number two on the list---Tulsa? Number 16!
    Jack Sh*t parodies would rule the airwaves!!

    That scale idea is interesting---hmmm, I bet they could actually do that. A car that automatically weighs you everytime you drive. Wow, that's cool.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh my gosh this is brilliant, Jack! I would totally buy this car! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Mr. Sh*t,

    I NEED one of these! Where can I find one?

    ReplyDelete
  21. I really think this would sell - or maybe not.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm ordering one! Does the 2010 come in "make my butt look smaller red"?

    ReplyDelete
  23. Ha! I love the seatbelts with measurements on them ;)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Can I plug the volts directly into myself for a boost of energy? That would be so fantastic. :) The odor would also motivate ya to walk more.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I like it. Now this could be because I met with 5 DUI clients today. But how about an inter-lock device that you have to blow into to prove that you haven't drank any Mountain Dew that day.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Nothing but Jack Sh*t parodies?! HOT DAMN! Sign me up for a test drive! HA HA!

    ReplyDelete
  27. You'd be surprised how many people go through a drive-thru when their driver-side window isn't working. Even though it's a big hassle to open their door to say their order, then again to pay, then once again to get their food, they still would rather do that than walk their lazy ass inside.

    And this is why America is obese.

    ReplyDelete
  28. um,
    FYI...
    my van window hasn't rolled down for 18 months thanks to a rodent chewing through the wiring and the ridiculous pricing nissan likes to engage in when fixing your "no, only we carry those parts, maam." car.
    When rolling through the drive through, I simply opened my door and ordered.
    lmao.
    other than that....I want popcorn airbags. except I would keep smashing into things on purpose and our insurance bill would go THROUGH THE ROOF.
    LOL.
    Good one Jack.

    ReplyDelete
  29. "Seat belts have measurements printed on them."
    Sooo cute. I'd like to see regular cars have these seat belts.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Sorry I’ve been away for the last couple of weeks! The busy holiday season made it next to impossible to find the time to do any blog reading, but I am catching up now! I gotta say, I must be tired because I am still giggling over your knock knock / nog nog joke. Thanks as always for the laughs and more so for the insights. And I really do appreciate the shout out on December 28’th – loved that particular post, of course! And it's great to see that you're quickly closing in on Onederland too… I am sure you will get there this week!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Hilarious! I'm on my way to the Chevy dealership now!

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails