Wednesday, January 13, 2010


Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what is the nature of your emergency?

Me: I'm sorry, I’m trying to reach nine-eleven.

Dispatcher: This is nine-eleven.

Me: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one?

Dispatcher: Yes, sir; nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Me: You gotta be sh*ttin’ me. D’ja know I spent $700 on a special phone just so I could have an “11” button. Now that I finally have a chance to use it, you tell me I didn’t even need it. Isn’t that always the way?

Dispatcher: What is the nature of your emergency?

Me: I’m really hungry tonight.

Dispatcher: Excuse me.

Me: I’m staaaaaaaaaarving.

Dispatcher: Sir, this line is for emerg…

Me: Yeah, emergencies, I know… but here’s the thing: in the past when I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’ve inevitably started slipping and before you know it, I’m right back where I was if not worse.

Dispatcher: Sir, is there some sort of trouble at your house?

Me: I’ll say. I was rooting around in the pantry and I found this old bag of Cheesy Chex Mix.

Dispatcher: Chex Mix?

Me: Yeah, it even says it’s low-fat, but the trick they use is that the serving size is about a thimble full.

Dispatcher: I don’t understand…

Me: I used to buy it all the time “for the kids.” Only here’s the thing: I don’t think any of my kids liked Cheesy Chex Mix. Oh Pisa will eat it, I guess, but Sallie Mae and Holly can’t stand the stuff. Yet I bought it every week, and every week I polished the bag off all my my lonesome.

Dispatcher: Sir, 9-1-1 calls are reserved for actual emergencies…

Me: Do you not understand? This stuff is like crack to me. If I eat a handful, it’s gonna be a whole bag and the next thing you know, I’ve got a grocery cart taking the turn to the snack aisle on two wheels.

Dispatcher: Can you not just throw the… the Cheesy Chex Mix in the trash can?

Me: An unopened bag? Are you mad? I’d be back rooting through the trash before you could say “What is the nature of your emergency?” to the next dude that calls.

Dispatcher: Sir, what do you want me to do about it?

Me: I know the firemen and paramedics are busy, but I was thinking that a dog catcher could work. Y'know, because he’s got one of those big nets.

Dispatcher: Sir, I really ought to bust you for tying up the 9-1-1 lines, but it just so happens that I’m fighting a little battle with my weight as well. My advice is for you to flush the offending materials down the facilities and go about your evening. You’ll feel better in the morning.

Me: Okay then. Well, thanks for your time and good luck on your own weight-loss journey.

Dispatcher: You sure you're gonna be okay.

Me: I got this... goodbye old friend.

Dispatcher: Was that to me or the Cheesy Chex Mix?

Me: (sound of toilet flushing and inconsolable sobbing)

Dispatcher: Well, okay then...


  1. I suggest The following recipe!

    "Good for you Casserole"


    Anything that tastes to good to be good for you.
    A quantity of mousetraps.
    Large receptical for recepting of said 'too good to be good for you' articles.


    1. In the base of the recepting receptical, place an article that is too good to be good for you.
    2. On top of the too good to be good for you article, place one primed and waiting to break your fingers mousetrap.
    3. Continue layering with utmost caution and care, until there are no longer any too good to be good for you articles, and no finger breaking mousetraps left.
    4. Wearing sturdy footwear, just in case of determined mousetrap types, take recepting receptical to trash bin and upend at arms reach.


  2. How true. Just like abstinence is the only 100% foolproof method of birth control (unless you're the Virgin Mary or Agnes of God), so is removing tempting items the only way to guarantee that you won't eat 'em.

    Damn, I miss Chex Mix now. And you killed the Chex Mix. You bastard! ;-)

  3. I believe I've had this very conversation myself over Cheez-Its. Right now they are banned from my house.

  4. So funny. yes...having a craving can be tantamount to an emergency. After all, an emergency is in the eye of the beholder!

    Thanks Jack!


  5. Chex mix? I go for the hot and spicy one. :) And yes, I too found some in my pantry the other day. It was opened so I told myself that it was probably stale and tossed them without trying them.

    Good for you!!
    Jack Sh*t 1
    Chex Mix 0

  6. You spent $700 for the phone? Man, that's a rip off...there was this guy on the street corner by my workplace. He had them for $495.

    Suh-weet deal!

  7. I hate to admit this, but I would be that way with cookie dough (not homemade, but the refrigerated kind.......LOVE).

    Oh, and Ill do my best NOT to burn my kitchen down (Im kinda fond of it!) lol

  8. jack as I sit back with my cup of coffee, barely able to keep my eyes open because my little "angels" keep me up all night, it's always refreshing to come her and have a good laugh and "wake up" - thank you for this post I needed it today :-)

  9. I placed my own little 9-1-1 call last night. Are you in my head or something?

  10. God I hate starving craving nights. And if you really flushed that chex mix, then you are truly made of iron will.

    Good post. I can sure relate.

  11. LMAO! You're helping get my day going on the right foot man keep it up!

  12. I wish I'd read this last night - though you hadn't written it last night! I had a binge bash that was ridiculous. Such insanity I thought I should be 302'd, which in PA is involuntary commitment to the crisis ward (psych, that is). Big frowny face. This was great, Jack.

  13. LOL That was great! So let me ask you, is this what you do when you are fighting a miserable craving like that? Sit down and write? Because these nights are KILLING me!

  14. I wonder if I could set up in business as a helpline........


    low calorie food for thought ;-)

  15. very good jack. i hope i remember this if i'm in the situtation.


  16. Very funny while still getting the point across; as usual!

  17. I know how you feel! I baked a sh*tload of cupcakes for my sister's baby shower on Sunday and ended up taking most of them home. I couldn't stand looking at their sweet delicious prettyness, so I threw every last one of them in the garbage can.

    I know it's hard, but I'm proud of you!

  18. Buh-bye Chex Mix!

    Good job smacking down temptation!


  19. I try not to keep anything in the house I have a weakness for. Lucky for me the junk food that the kids like is not something that I like. Well except those Cheetos Puffs. Those are amazing and I could eat a whole bag. So they're not allowed. If the kids buy any they have to eat them in another room so I'm not tempted. My big downfall is Godiva Chocolate, so I don't even allow myself in stores that sell it. Damn, I miss Barnes and Noble.

  20. oh man, I'm crying that was so funny! LMAO!!!!!
    You're the best man! I can only imagine what living with you must be like! And pssstttt....I got stuff I "buy for the kids too" ahhhhh......

  21. Oh Jesus! That was scary funny. Totally made my morning. Now a-flushing I shall go! Cheesy Chex Mix? You'd better hide!

  22. Of course I could see the surface humor. But I was totally involved in the very real emotional side of this call. When you take your journey to the very highest importance level---it's life or death, so it is an emergency if something is threatening our well being. It's got to be that important---because if it's not---it's just too easy to open that bag. I've been there, I'm still there---do crazy cravings and temptations ever go away??? Just when I think I'm beyond that stuff---I get hit with a craving that test every fiber of my will.

    I felt every line of this one. I'm so proud of you Jack. You're never going back my friend, never.

    My best always

  23. Ha!

    No joke though, I;ve had to "flush" 3 naughty food items in the last 4 weeks. *sad*


  24. Substitute Cheetos for Chex Mix and you have my Cheetos breakup story!!! In my mind, at I can't stand to even look at Cheetos. They just look so...gross!

  25. I think I traumatized my 11 year old for life last night when I told her to take the box of chocolate away from me and hide it....then 10 minutes later I threatened to ground her for life if she didn't tell me where it was.


    The 911 operator was much more supportive than my daughter.

  26. lmao. I like the part about the grocery cart on two wheels..hilarious.

    I am on Day 6 and have cupboards full of junk food that I am trying to get brave enough to dump before it start calling my name....maybe tonight!

    Thanks for the laugh!

  27. I cannot have anything bad in the house. Although I am getting better, because I know that there is cheese in the fridge and cheese footballs and twiglets in the cupboards.

    My real weakness is mint chocolate, so I have had Hubby hide the Peppermint Bark, and the Mingles I was given for Christmas. He rations them out to me when I have enough points, or on a Thursday after weigh in!

  28. I tossed a full bag of candy out the window of the car yesterday. Go us! Thanks for the laugh :)

  29. Hahahah!! cute! I have to avoid having anything like that around. Strangely enough once I start a weight loss program I always have the urge to bake! Oh, healthy things of course...bran muffins, banana....well, you get the gist. Unfortunately I end up pigging out so no more. If I need baking for company or something I'll buy it...on the day I need it...


  30. Oh, yeah!
    Wouldn't it be a great thing if you really could call someplace in the event of those types of emergencies!

    I'd probably get a busy signal when I called!

  31. lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  32. My husband keeps baking. Usually chocolate cake, from scratch and really rich and covered in homemade chocolate frosting. Except when he's making cookies.

    My neighbours love me because I keep bringing most of what he bakes (after the kids have had their share) over to them. ;)

  33. Mmmm, chex mix (especially the cheesy chex mix) used to/is still one of my weaknesses. We generally have an assortment of snackies and candy around the house, but I try to keep stuff that doesn't set me off out of the house. Aka, hershey kisses I can eat responsibly (1 every few days as a treat), potato chips, I cannot (I'll have a few handfuls EVERY DAY until its gone).

  34. Love this, Jack! We do need a national 9eleven hotline, don't we? If we funded it with our taxes, we probably wouldn't even need this healthcare thing they're pouring millions into.

    I had to make a u-turn the other night too. Friends were coming over for tea and, even after those weeks of holiday goodies, my *&--** mind said "Make a cake for them, they'll expect it." I actually had a mix left over from holidays and the other half of my *&l) brain said "You can get rid of that too. You have two reasons to do it!"

    Well, I made it and put it in the oven before I "woke up" and said "What the hell am I doing?" I knew my friends didn't need cake. It was my own cravings happening. (Never try to diet in January if your December was off-kilter - your body takes a while to get balanced again! The cravings are terrible.)

    So I pulled the darn thing out of the oven and dumped the half-cooked, steaming ooze down the drain.

    Then I pulled out one of my best weight loss tips: If you're experiencing raging cravings, count back 8 hours and you'll find the spot where you goofed up. In my case, it was no breakfast due to a hectic morning and the need to get to the gym.

    So, I hope that helps: the 8-hour rule.

    Pat Barone, CPCC, PCC
    "America's Weight Loss Catalyst"

  35. I remember reading ages ago, like when I was in my late teens and dieting, about how if you make food look unappetizing you wont eat it. Then it went on to give you extreme suggestions---such as putting out cigarrettes in hunks of cake and the like, uh yeah if you DO eat the cake afterwards Im scared! I know Ive thrown things out the window while driving to stop myself from consuming them. Whatever works!!!

  36. OMG, I laughed my arse off, especially about the dog catcher & the net!

  37. When I started on my weight loss journey back in June, I thought I would try to keep ahead of you as motivation. When I hurt my back in September I let things slide and put on a few. I've started to lose the weight again - and I'm back here now to get some more inspiration - and low and behold - you've gone and passed my slow a$$, Jack Shit. Way to go, man! You look great - and haven't lost your great sense of humour one bit. Sorry I missed congratulating you at the big milestone.

    I hope you've been saving your sheckles - that trip around the world is just around the corner.

  38. Oooo! Them things do crop up from time to time. Last week they had Cheetos and Twizzlers at check out. WTF. It was get me day obviously. I just shut my eyes and turned the other way. Then shielded my eyes while doing the pay transaction. It can be hard. Weird as it may sound, saying 'no' aloud and saying your rules can go a long way.

  39. People should take blogging advice from you.

    The reason i come back every day is because I never know what I am going to get.

    The first blog I read every day

  40. My children made popcorn once...the old fashioned way...
    You know, popcorn on the stove.
    I couldn't have any cause I didn't want the extra calories...
    They went to bed and left HALF A BOWL...
    Popcorn is my crack.
    I took it to the sink and filled it with soapy water.
    It worked.
    I didn't eat it.
    You do what you gotta do.

  41. I don't know if anyone else suggested this because I scrolled really fast to the bottom of the thread, but what always works for me is putting something really gross on the quote/unquote "food" you think you want to eat. Like bleach or maggots. Don't just throw it away. You have to make it really disgusting. Then, the next time you're at the store, you'll think twice before wasting your money....

  42. Saw you leave this comment on another blog:

    "A medium-sized popcorn and medium soda at the pack the nutritional equivalent of three Quarter Pounders topped with 12 pats of butter. Bon appetit."

    Amazing and jolting fact. Thanks for sharing.

  43. Was that for real? Because I kinda wish it were. I like the dispatcher's empathy to your problem.

    Anyway, abstaining from the crack food you used to like is really hard. But it's gotta be done.

  44. Loved it! My favorite snack mix is the Honey Nut Cheerios snack mix. It is SO good! And it's actually not too bad for you. But I always eat the whole bag in one sitting, so I stopped buying it.

  45. I know you try and hide it a lot of the time, but your soul's been showing a lot more lately, Jack. To that effect, I have something for you on my blog...



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